I Believe You
Chapter 15

“Your grandfather and I met when I was working at restaurant as a dish-washer. He was the cook of the restaurant. When we saw each other, we knew it was love at first sight. “He kept staring at me while he was cooking and I could not concentrate on my washing. I stole quick glances of him, amazed by his awesome cooking skills and his good looks. By the fifth day of my work, he asked me out. I did not reject. And so we went to a park and chatted about almost everything under the sun.” I tried to recollect memories of my grandfather. It was then that I realized I had never seen him before: He died before I was born. However, in my mind now, I was painting a picture of him: A young and handsome man who knew how to turn an uncooked egg into an omelette. “We went on a few more dates. Unknowingly, we started holding hands. And as we continued dating, our love for each other grew so much that a day apart was intolerable. “Whenever I woke up, I would wonder what he was doing. Whenever I walked to work, I would wonder if he was doing the same thing. If there were handphones during my time, I would have called him every single minute. “Then one day, he brought me to a forest. Although I declined, he insisted. So we went into the dark forest, carrying only lighted candles. Suddenly, he disappeared. I panicked and nearly fainted, but he suddenly reappeared with a ring on his hand. He kneeled before me and proposed to me.” I wiped off the remnants of my tears and tried to smile. Although I failed, my grandmother sensed my attempt and patted me on my shoulder. “How could I have rejected? How could I have rejected such an offer? I cried on the spot, and within ten days, we were officially husband and wife.” I realized that everyone had a story to tell: The auntie selling fish soup may have the most romantic love story; my old and stubborn Literature lecturer Mrs Goh may have the most tragic story to tell. Yet I always pondered on the poignancy of my own story, as if my story superseded all of theirs. “Our relationship was as strong as a rock during our first few years of marriage. But everything soon changed. We began to drift apart. We seldom talked. There was just no reason for this rift.” “You didn’t love him anymore?” I asked, curious. My grandmother did not answer me. She sighed, and then continued, “I thought of divorce. But during my time, divorce was a taboo. We continued living together, exchanging less than a few words a day. And as a tradition, we had to bear a child for our parents. “And so your mother is born. Even with the addition of a new member in the family, we still behaved like strangers. Your mother, angry with us for not giving her a good family, married off when she was just seventeen. And when I was fifty, I decided to move out. I lived alone here for five years, until your grandfather called me. He said he didn’t have much time left.” I cursed beneath my breath. Jacky’s words rang in my mind repeatedly: “Two more years, to be exact if I don’t have the operation within this few months.” “So I went to the hospital. Your grandfather asked me a question that made me think a lot: ‘Have you loved me throughout our marriage?’ I was lost for words. I spent the entire day thinking. And when I finally said yes, we hugged. “Since then, I began visiting him in the hospital for his remaining days. He said something the day before he died which touched me very deeply: ‘I’ve been the happiest man in the world for two times: The first time is when you agreed to marry me, and the second time is when you said you had always loved me throughout our marriage. Because I have loved you all this while as well, but I just didn’t dare to say it.’” My grandmother smiled when she finished her story. I knew that the memories of her dead husband were replaying in her mind. I, on the other hand, was thinking hard as well. There was a moral in her story, and with a twist of my neck, I finally knew what it was. “Your grandfather was smiling when he died. Doesn’t matter how long we live as long as we live with a smile on our face.” Yes, now I got it, the moral of the story. At that moment, I wanted to kiss my grandmother, but I dared not. However, after I had picked my keys up, I leaned forward and kissed her. “I love you.” I said, and made my way out. Wait for me, Jacky.
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I had just finished telling the taxi driver my destination when my handphone rang. “Joanna?” the female voice on the other end sounded familiar. It was Jacky’s mother. “I don’t know who else to call. You are the only one who knows everything now. Jacky’s in trouble.” My grip on the handphone tightened and I asked, “What’s wrong?” “The cancer cells are starting to spread. He needs an operation soon. Just… come.” When she hung up, I got the taxi driver to stop. And for the next few minutes, I stared out of the window, saying nothing.
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“Look at this.” the doctor pointed at a negative of a brain X-ray. A dark spot was visible on the left of it. “This is the tumour. His case is Diffuse Astrocytomas Grade Two. The cancer cells will spread, but at a very slow rate. For the past few months, we’ve been trying to stop the cells from spreading too much. But it’s hard now.” I tried to process what the doctor had said. He was explaining in layman’s terms. Jacky’s mother sat beside me, her eyes wide open. “The reason why we’ve not operated on him is because of the fact that his tumour is very close to his brain stem, a very important structure of the brain. However, his cancerous cells have now spread into the brain stem, growing near the cerebellum. The cerebellum is responsible for the movement of his muscles.” “Surgery is the only way now?” Jacky’s mother said. The doctor nodded. “Then what is the success rate?” The doctor shrugged. Bad news. “Fifteen percent. It is very risky as the cancer cells are inside the brain stem.” “What if he doesn’t take the surgery?” “He will first become paralysed. Then he will begin losing his brain functions and become brain-dead after a few months.” We were left speechless with that. He continued, as if he had no feelings. “The surgery must be done by next week. If not, we will lose control over the cancerous cells.” “Who makes the decision?” “He’s under eighteen, so the final decision still rests with you.” The doctor said. Jacky’s mother’s expression was a fusion of confusion and depression. “Great.” She said, and walked off without saying bye. Jacky’s dying within a few months. That thought whirled in my mind like a bad dream. Oh, please let me wake up from this nightmare.
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I had just finished peeling an apple when Jacky woke up. Actually, I had intended to eat the apple, but since Jacky woke up exactly when I had finished peeling it, I passed him the apple. He held out his weakened hand to take the apple. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, eh?” he said, taking a bite. “Get me more apples. Then I’ll be discharged soon.” He already knew the situation. Her mother had agreed to the operation, and he was to undergo the surgery next Thursday. He knew the success rate was only fifteen percent, and he also knew the consequences if he did not undergo the surgery. Yet his trademark smile still lingered on his lips.I wanted to say something, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. Talk to me, Jacky. “I may have a bandage here on my head when the play comes around, so I may not be able to do the play. You make sure Johnny does a great job, eh?” he said. Johnny, one of our classmates, was to take over him as Romeo. “And yeah, I took up the role because I only needed to memorise two words and got to lie on a pretty girl’s back. But now it’s different. It’s free-style. That’s why I’m backing out.” He laughed. It sounded strange. “Rest.” I whispered. “I’m lying on the bed with a blanket over me. I’m resting. And I’m eating an apple!” With that, he dropped the apple. It rolled off the bed and hit the floor. I went towards it but he stopped me. “No. I’ll do it.” He said, and slowly climbed out of the bed. With great effort, he lifted the apple up as if it weighed ten kilograms. I could not make out whether he was just joking or he was really suffering. “See? I can do it. I can get an apple from the floor. Why can’t I get a rock out of my head? The rock is so much smaller than this apple!” I stayed with him for a few more hours before I left. As I was on my way out, I saw Doctor Ong, my psychiatrist. I tried avoiding him by looking at the floor, covering my face with my hair. But my uniform gave me away. “Hey, Joanna.” I heard his voice. “I’d really love it if you could come visit me some day.” He said, obviously trying to mock me. Go to your clinic and curse more people? I wondered. “What are you doing here?” I said. “I’m here to visit your best friend.” He stressed the word best. Actually, I wanted to ask him about Landy. But before I could say anything, he was off into Jacky’s ward. How did he know of Jacky’s condition?