Dedicated to *you [m]:
Yeah, I know it hurts
Yeah, I know you're scared
Walkin' down
The road that leads
To Who-Knows-Where
Dont'cha hang your head
Dont'cha give up yet
When courage starts
To disappear
I will be right here
When your world
Breaks down
And the voices tell you,
"Turn around"
When your dreams
Give out
I will carry you
Carry you
When the stars
Go blind
And the darkness starts to
Flood your eyes
When you're fallin'
Behind
I will carry you
Everybody cries
Everybody bleeds
No one ever
Said that life's
An easy thing
That's the beauty of it
When you lose your way
Close your eyes
'N' go to sleep
Wake up to
Another day
When your world
Breaks down
And the voices tell you,
"Turn around"
When your dreams
Give out
I will carry you
Carry you
When the stars
Go blind
And the darkness starts to
Flood your eyes
When you've fallen
Behind
I will carry you
You should know now
That you're not alone
Take my heart and we will find
You will find
Your way ho-ome
When your dreams
give out
I will carry you
Carry you
When the stars
Go blind
And the darkness starts to
Flood your eyes
When you've fallen
Behind
I will carry you
Carry you
I will carry you
Carry you
Tuesday 27 March 2007
Monday 26 March 2007
Saturday 24 March 2007
It's the penultimate week of freedom before i get enlisted into the army. Friends in the army have been talking about their experiences. Soon it'd be my turn to experience it first-hand. What's gonna happen? Who will i meet? Will i survive? These questions will be answered real soon. And everyone's question to me: Will i get bullied? We'll find out in time to come. Haha. But don't worry, people. You are in safe hands, for i'm gonna serve the country. You are well-protected. Have faith in me! Wahaha.
I never thought my time to go through National Service would come so soon. In the past, when people mentioned the army, i'd think to myself: my time wouldn't come so soon. But now, i'm staring at the fact that i'm registered & will be enlisted in 15 days!
And so i've been enjoying life. I've been jobless for more than 2 weeks running. I've been going to the gym.. doing some jogging.. going out with friends. It really beats working. I get to sleep late & wake up late. Watched 300 with Vanessa on Friday. Eeeee.. there was nudity in the film. Don't influence me.. i'm very innocent.. hahahaha.
Anyway, i've gotten the university applications out of the way. Applied for accountancy courses in all 3 universities. I sure hope all of them accept my applications. I especially hope that SMU takes me in.
I never thought my time to go through National Service would come so soon. In the past, when people mentioned the army, i'd think to myself: my time wouldn't come so soon. But now, i'm staring at the fact that i'm registered & will be enlisted in 15 days!
And so i've been enjoying life. I've been jobless for more than 2 weeks running. I've been going to the gym.. doing some jogging.. going out with friends. It really beats working. I get to sleep late & wake up late. Watched 300 with Vanessa on Friday. Eeeee.. there was nudity in the film. Don't influence me.. i'm very innocent.. hahahaha.
Anyway, i've gotten the university applications out of the way. Applied for accountancy courses in all 3 universities. I sure hope all of them accept my applications. I especially hope that SMU takes me in.
Woow. My parents just got a new car, more than 4 yrs after selling the previous one. It's red. oOOOoo. Not that chic though. And it's a weekend car. But it's better than nothing. Who knows? It could be what i'll be driving when i get my license. (:
Friday 23 March 2007
I Believe You
Chapter 15
“Your grandfather and I met when I was working at restaurant as a dish-washer. He was the cook of the restaurant. When we saw each other, we knew it was love at first sight. “He kept staring at me while he was cooking and I could not concentrate on my washing. I stole quick glances of him, amazed by his awesome cooking skills and his good looks. By the fifth day of my work, he asked me out. I did not reject. And so we went to a park and chatted about almost everything under the sun.” I tried to recollect memories of my grandfather. It was then that I realized I had never seen him before: He died before I was born. However, in my mind now, I was painting a picture of him: A young and handsome man who knew how to turn an uncooked egg into an omelette. “We went on a few more dates. Unknowingly, we started holding hands. And as we continued dating, our love for each other grew so much that a day apart was intolerable. “Whenever I woke up, I would wonder what he was doing. Whenever I walked to work, I would wonder if he was doing the same thing. If there were handphones during my time, I would have called him every single minute. “Then one day, he brought me to a forest. Although I declined, he insisted. So we went into the dark forest, carrying only lighted candles. Suddenly, he disappeared. I panicked and nearly fainted, but he suddenly reappeared with a ring on his hand. He kneeled before me and proposed to me.” I wiped off the remnants of my tears and tried to smile. Although I failed, my grandmother sensed my attempt and patted me on my shoulder. “How could I have rejected? How could I have rejected such an offer? I cried on the spot, and within ten days, we were officially husband and wife.” I realized that everyone had a story to tell: The auntie selling fish soup may have the most romantic love story; my old and stubborn Literature lecturer Mrs Goh may have the most tragic story to tell. Yet I always pondered on the poignancy of my own story, as if my story superseded all of theirs. “Our relationship was as strong as a rock during our first few years of marriage. But everything soon changed. We began to drift apart. We seldom talked. There was just no reason for this rift.” “You didn’t love him anymore?” I asked, curious. My grandmother did not answer me. She sighed, and then continued, “I thought of divorce. But during my time, divorce was a taboo. We continued living together, exchanging less than a few words a day. And as a tradition, we had to bear a child for our parents. “And so your mother is born. Even with the addition of a new member in the family, we still behaved like strangers. Your mother, angry with us for not giving her a good family, married off when she was just seventeen. And when I was fifty, I decided to move out. I lived alone here for five years, until your grandfather called me. He said he didn’t have much time left.” I cursed beneath my breath. Jacky’s words rang in my mind repeatedly: “Two more years, to be exact if I don’t have the operation within this few months.” “So I went to the hospital. Your grandfather asked me a question that made me think a lot: ‘Have you loved me throughout our marriage?’ I was lost for words. I spent the entire day thinking. And when I finally said yes, we hugged. “Since then, I began visiting him in the hospital for his remaining days. He said something the day before he died which touched me very deeply: ‘I’ve been the happiest man in the world for two times: The first time is when you agreed to marry me, and the second time is when you said you had always loved me throughout our marriage. Because I have loved you all this while as well, but I just didn’t dare to say it.’” My grandmother smiled when she finished her story. I knew that the memories of her dead husband were replaying in her mind. I, on the other hand, was thinking hard as well. There was a moral in her story, and with a twist of my neck, I finally knew what it was. “Your grandfather was smiling when he died. Doesn’t matter how long we live as long as we live with a smile on our face.” Yes, now I got it, the moral of the story. At that moment, I wanted to kiss my grandmother, but I dared not. However, after I had picked my keys up, I leaned forward and kissed her. “I love you.” I said, and made my way out. Wait for me, Jacky.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I had just finished telling the taxi driver my destination when my handphone rang. “Joanna?” the female voice on the other end sounded familiar. It was Jacky’s mother. “I don’t know who else to call. You are the only one who knows everything now. Jacky’s in trouble.” My grip on the handphone tightened and I asked, “What’s wrong?” “The cancer cells are starting to spread. He needs an operation soon. Just… come.” When she hung up, I got the taxi driver to stop. And for the next few minutes, I stared out of the window, saying nothing.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Look at this.” the doctor pointed at a negative of a brain X-ray. A dark spot was visible on the left of it. “This is the tumour. His case is Diffuse Astrocytomas Grade Two. The cancer cells will spread, but at a very slow rate. For the past few months, we’ve been trying to stop the cells from spreading too much. But it’s hard now.” I tried to process what the doctor had said. He was explaining in layman’s terms. Jacky’s mother sat beside me, her eyes wide open. “The reason why we’ve not operated on him is because of the fact that his tumour is very close to his brain stem, a very important structure of the brain. However, his cancerous cells have now spread into the brain stem, growing near the cerebellum. The cerebellum is responsible for the movement of his muscles.” “Surgery is the only way now?” Jacky’s mother said. The doctor nodded. “Then what is the success rate?” The doctor shrugged. Bad news. “Fifteen percent. It is very risky as the cancer cells are inside the brain stem.” “What if he doesn’t take the surgery?” “He will first become paralysed. Then he will begin losing his brain functions and become brain-dead after a few months.” We were left speechless with that. He continued, as if he had no feelings. “The surgery must be done by next week. If not, we will lose control over the cancerous cells.” “Who makes the decision?” “He’s under eighteen, so the final decision still rests with you.” The doctor said. Jacky’s mother’s expression was a fusion of confusion and depression. “Great.” She said, and walked off without saying bye. Jacky’s dying within a few months. That thought whirled in my mind like a bad dream. Oh, please let me wake up from this nightmare.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I had just finished peeling an apple when Jacky woke up. Actually, I had intended to eat the apple, but since Jacky woke up exactly when I had finished peeling it, I passed him the apple. He held out his weakened hand to take the apple. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, eh?” he said, taking a bite. “Get me more apples. Then I’ll be discharged soon.” He already knew the situation. Her mother had agreed to the operation, and he was to undergo the surgery next Thursday. He knew the success rate was only fifteen percent, and he also knew the consequences if he did not undergo the surgery. Yet his trademark smile still lingered on his lips.I wanted to say something, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. Talk to me, Jacky. “I may have a bandage here on my head when the play comes around, so I may not be able to do the play. You make sure Johnny does a great job, eh?” he said. Johnny, one of our classmates, was to take over him as Romeo. “And yeah, I took up the role because I only needed to memorise two words and got to lie on a pretty girl’s back. But now it’s different. It’s free-style. That’s why I’m backing out.” He laughed. It sounded strange. “Rest.” I whispered. “I’m lying on the bed with a blanket over me. I’m resting. And I’m eating an apple!” With that, he dropped the apple. It rolled off the bed and hit the floor. I went towards it but he stopped me. “No. I’ll do it.” He said, and slowly climbed out of the bed. With great effort, he lifted the apple up as if it weighed ten kilograms. I could not make out whether he was just joking or he was really suffering. “See? I can do it. I can get an apple from the floor. Why can’t I get a rock out of my head? The rock is so much smaller than this apple!” I stayed with him for a few more hours before I left. As I was on my way out, I saw Doctor Ong, my psychiatrist. I tried avoiding him by looking at the floor, covering my face with my hair. But my uniform gave me away. “Hey, Joanna.” I heard his voice. “I’d really love it if you could come visit me some day.” He said, obviously trying to mock me. Go to your clinic and curse more people? I wondered. “What are you doing here?” I said. “I’m here to visit your best friend.” He stressed the word best. Actually, I wanted to ask him about Landy. But before I could say anything, he was off into Jacky’s ward. How did he know of Jacky’s condition?
Chapter 15
“Your grandfather and I met when I was working at restaurant as a dish-washer. He was the cook of the restaurant. When we saw each other, we knew it was love at first sight. “He kept staring at me while he was cooking and I could not concentrate on my washing. I stole quick glances of him, amazed by his awesome cooking skills and his good looks. By the fifth day of my work, he asked me out. I did not reject. And so we went to a park and chatted about almost everything under the sun.” I tried to recollect memories of my grandfather. It was then that I realized I had never seen him before: He died before I was born. However, in my mind now, I was painting a picture of him: A young and handsome man who knew how to turn an uncooked egg into an omelette. “We went on a few more dates. Unknowingly, we started holding hands. And as we continued dating, our love for each other grew so much that a day apart was intolerable. “Whenever I woke up, I would wonder what he was doing. Whenever I walked to work, I would wonder if he was doing the same thing. If there were handphones during my time, I would have called him every single minute. “Then one day, he brought me to a forest. Although I declined, he insisted. So we went into the dark forest, carrying only lighted candles. Suddenly, he disappeared. I panicked and nearly fainted, but he suddenly reappeared with a ring on his hand. He kneeled before me and proposed to me.” I wiped off the remnants of my tears and tried to smile. Although I failed, my grandmother sensed my attempt and patted me on my shoulder. “How could I have rejected? How could I have rejected such an offer? I cried on the spot, and within ten days, we were officially husband and wife.” I realized that everyone had a story to tell: The auntie selling fish soup may have the most romantic love story; my old and stubborn Literature lecturer Mrs Goh may have the most tragic story to tell. Yet I always pondered on the poignancy of my own story, as if my story superseded all of theirs. “Our relationship was as strong as a rock during our first few years of marriage. But everything soon changed. We began to drift apart. We seldom talked. There was just no reason for this rift.” “You didn’t love him anymore?” I asked, curious. My grandmother did not answer me. She sighed, and then continued, “I thought of divorce. But during my time, divorce was a taboo. We continued living together, exchanging less than a few words a day. And as a tradition, we had to bear a child for our parents. “And so your mother is born. Even with the addition of a new member in the family, we still behaved like strangers. Your mother, angry with us for not giving her a good family, married off when she was just seventeen. And when I was fifty, I decided to move out. I lived alone here for five years, until your grandfather called me. He said he didn’t have much time left.” I cursed beneath my breath. Jacky’s words rang in my mind repeatedly: “Two more years, to be exact if I don’t have the operation within this few months.” “So I went to the hospital. Your grandfather asked me a question that made me think a lot: ‘Have you loved me throughout our marriage?’ I was lost for words. I spent the entire day thinking. And when I finally said yes, we hugged. “Since then, I began visiting him in the hospital for his remaining days. He said something the day before he died which touched me very deeply: ‘I’ve been the happiest man in the world for two times: The first time is when you agreed to marry me, and the second time is when you said you had always loved me throughout our marriage. Because I have loved you all this while as well, but I just didn’t dare to say it.’” My grandmother smiled when she finished her story. I knew that the memories of her dead husband were replaying in her mind. I, on the other hand, was thinking hard as well. There was a moral in her story, and with a twist of my neck, I finally knew what it was. “Your grandfather was smiling when he died. Doesn’t matter how long we live as long as we live with a smile on our face.” Yes, now I got it, the moral of the story. At that moment, I wanted to kiss my grandmother, but I dared not. However, after I had picked my keys up, I leaned forward and kissed her. “I love you.” I said, and made my way out. Wait for me, Jacky.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I had just finished telling the taxi driver my destination when my handphone rang. “Joanna?” the female voice on the other end sounded familiar. It was Jacky’s mother. “I don’t know who else to call. You are the only one who knows everything now. Jacky’s in trouble.” My grip on the handphone tightened and I asked, “What’s wrong?” “The cancer cells are starting to spread. He needs an operation soon. Just… come.” When she hung up, I got the taxi driver to stop. And for the next few minutes, I stared out of the window, saying nothing.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Look at this.” the doctor pointed at a negative of a brain X-ray. A dark spot was visible on the left of it. “This is the tumour. His case is Diffuse Astrocytomas Grade Two. The cancer cells will spread, but at a very slow rate. For the past few months, we’ve been trying to stop the cells from spreading too much. But it’s hard now.” I tried to process what the doctor had said. He was explaining in layman’s terms. Jacky’s mother sat beside me, her eyes wide open. “The reason why we’ve not operated on him is because of the fact that his tumour is very close to his brain stem, a very important structure of the brain. However, his cancerous cells have now spread into the brain stem, growing near the cerebellum. The cerebellum is responsible for the movement of his muscles.” “Surgery is the only way now?” Jacky’s mother said. The doctor nodded. “Then what is the success rate?” The doctor shrugged. Bad news. “Fifteen percent. It is very risky as the cancer cells are inside the brain stem.” “What if he doesn’t take the surgery?” “He will first become paralysed. Then he will begin losing his brain functions and become brain-dead after a few months.” We were left speechless with that. He continued, as if he had no feelings. “The surgery must be done by next week. If not, we will lose control over the cancerous cells.” “Who makes the decision?” “He’s under eighteen, so the final decision still rests with you.” The doctor said. Jacky’s mother’s expression was a fusion of confusion and depression. “Great.” She said, and walked off without saying bye. Jacky’s dying within a few months. That thought whirled in my mind like a bad dream. Oh, please let me wake up from this nightmare.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I had just finished peeling an apple when Jacky woke up. Actually, I had intended to eat the apple, but since Jacky woke up exactly when I had finished peeling it, I passed him the apple. He held out his weakened hand to take the apple. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, eh?” he said, taking a bite. “Get me more apples. Then I’ll be discharged soon.” He already knew the situation. Her mother had agreed to the operation, and he was to undergo the surgery next Thursday. He knew the success rate was only fifteen percent, and he also knew the consequences if he did not undergo the surgery. Yet his trademark smile still lingered on his lips.I wanted to say something, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. Talk to me, Jacky. “I may have a bandage here on my head when the play comes around, so I may not be able to do the play. You make sure Johnny does a great job, eh?” he said. Johnny, one of our classmates, was to take over him as Romeo. “And yeah, I took up the role because I only needed to memorise two words and got to lie on a pretty girl’s back. But now it’s different. It’s free-style. That’s why I’m backing out.” He laughed. It sounded strange. “Rest.” I whispered. “I’m lying on the bed with a blanket over me. I’m resting. And I’m eating an apple!” With that, he dropped the apple. It rolled off the bed and hit the floor. I went towards it but he stopped me. “No. I’ll do it.” He said, and slowly climbed out of the bed. With great effort, he lifted the apple up as if it weighed ten kilograms. I could not make out whether he was just joking or he was really suffering. “See? I can do it. I can get an apple from the floor. Why can’t I get a rock out of my head? The rock is so much smaller than this apple!” I stayed with him for a few more hours before I left. As I was on my way out, I saw Doctor Ong, my psychiatrist. I tried avoiding him by looking at the floor, covering my face with my hair. But my uniform gave me away. “Hey, Joanna.” I heard his voice. “I’d really love it if you could come visit me some day.” He said, obviously trying to mock me. Go to your clinic and curse more people? I wondered. “What are you doing here?” I said. “I’m here to visit your best friend.” He stressed the word best. Actually, I wanted to ask him about Landy. But before I could say anything, he was off into Jacky’s ward. How did he know of Jacky’s condition?
Wednesday 21 March 2007
You ask me if i love you and i choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie
And who am i to judge you on what you say or do
I'm only just beginning to see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much and i have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till i die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides
Romance and all its strategy leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer, still trapped within my truths
A hesitant prized fighter still trapped within my youth
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much and i have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till i die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides
At times i'd like to break you and drag you to your knees
At times i'd like to break through and hold you endlessly
At times i understand you and i know how hard you've tried
I've watch while love commands you
And i've watched love pass you by
At times i think we're drifters, still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister, but then the passion flares again
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much and i have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till i die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides
I'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie
And who am i to judge you on what you say or do
I'm only just beginning to see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much and i have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till i die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides
Romance and all its strategy leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer, still trapped within my truths
A hesitant prized fighter still trapped within my youth
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much and i have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till i die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides
At times i'd like to break you and drag you to your knees
At times i'd like to break through and hold you endlessly
At times i understand you and i know how hard you've tried
I've watch while love commands you
And i've watched love pass you by
At times i think we're drifters, still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister, but then the passion flares again
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much and i have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till i die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides
Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess
I've tried to go on like
I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete
Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake
I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete
I don't mean to drag it on, but I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)
I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete
Incomplete
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess
I've tried to go on like
I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete
Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake
I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete
I don't mean to drag it on, but I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)
I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete
Incomplete
Tuesday 20 March 2007
I Believe You
Chapter 14
Chapter 14
“Can’t be…” I was shaking and smiling at the same time. “Can’t be… not now… not now! Can’t be!” How could everything come at this time? Just when I realized I had feelings for him, he had to say that he was dying soon? How could this be happening? No! Jacky grabbed my hand. “Cool down-” “What disease do you have?” I whispered. I was taking three deep breaths a second. “What…?” “I thought you knew-” “I lied.” I said that so softly that I wondered if I had said anything. I stood up and looked out of the window. I could see a slight reflection of myself from the glass window. My eyes were half-closed, red with tears streaming down fast. I was jerking hard, as if there was an earthquake. “Brain cancer. It’s a hereditary disease, I think. My father had stomach cancer. And now I’ve got brain cancer.” “Isn’t there a cure for it?” “No. The doctors can only stop the cells from spreading. But there’s a tumour in my head, so it’s hard to do treatment. The only way is…” “Surgery?” “Right, but it’s a surgery on the brain. So the risk involved is very high. And the percentage of total recovery is only…” he paused. I waited as I did not want to interrupt him. “Fifteen percent.” “Fifteen? One five, fifteen?” “Yes.” I ran my fingers through my hair. Why… why is this happening!? Why!? “No…” I was whispering. I stared at the reflection again. I was smiling yet shaking my head. “No, no, no, you’re lying. Oh, fuck, you’re lying.” I took out my lighter and ignited it. Then I put it out and ignited it again. I hauled out the pack of cigarettes from my pocket and played with the cover. “Joanna, don’t be like this-” “Stop playing with me, Jacky, stop playing with me.” I let out a sigh and dropped the lighter onto the ground. “Stop playing with my feelings. Love, leave, love, leave, love, leave. Stop it all.” “You’ve got to calm down, Joanna. We can-” I rushed to the door and ran out. Oh, gosh, oh gosh. Gosh. What a complicated life I’m living.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I had lit my fifth cigarette when I decided to think logically. I was sitting on one of the many benches in the park, glaring at every single person walking by. I had a giddy spell by my third stick, but somehow, I just wanted to smoke more. Cancer? Death? I had never expected such issues to rub shoulders with me. It had always been the least of my worries. For the past few years, I had always been worried only about the words that I said. The curse I have been carrying. And somewhere out there, someone close to me had been battling an enemy called cancer and fleeing from an adversary named death? Somewhere out there, a person has been smiling for twenty-four hours a day even though he was next to the gates of hell? I blew the smoke out of my lungs through my nose, somewhat like a dragon. What could I do? What could I do to make him feel better? I was at my wits’ end, trapped in a nest of confusion. My tears had not stopped streaming since I dashed out of the ward. I had two missed calls traced to Jacky’s handphone. I did not call back. I merely messaged him a “Give me time”. I knew I would lose control if I heard his voice. What must I do now? I flicked the cigarette butt away and knew there was no way I could find the answer here. I headed home. I might not have Landy anymore, but I had a new chat mate.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Fortunately, my grandmother was still awake when I reached home. It was six-thirty in the evening. She was sitting on the sofa, just like what Landy used to do. She was massaging her legs while watching the news. I sat down next to her. This is my grandmother? Suddenly, I was hit by a tinge of guilt. We seldom talked, for I had Landy as a companion. But who did she have to confide in? Who did she approach when she was depressed? I have always been beside her, yet I lived in my own little world, ignoring the very same old lady who was sitting in front of me. I gently pushed her hand away and rubbed at her leg. She smiled and passed me the ointment. “Wah, Gwan, so good today?” she said. I shrugged. What kind of life had I been living for the past few years? A life of escape? A life of rebellion? Against this whole world? I said nothing as I continued to massage. When a droplet of water splashed on my grandmother’s leg, I realized I was crying again. I dared not look up. “Tell me what happened.” My grandmother said. I recalled the days I spent with Landy. I would sit here, chatting with Landy while my grandmother would greet us and retreat to her room. Jacky changed everything. He chased away my imaginary friend and brought me closer to my grandmother. I told my grandmother everything about Jacky. I told her how he smiled in every situation, how he always kept his temper. I told her about the first day that he held my hand, and how he helped me thus far. I told her everything, from my curse to Landy. And finally, I told her that Jacky was dying. And I told her of how much I love him. “I love him.” I repeated the sentence, as if it would help. “I love him a lot.” My grandmother did not interrupt me at all. She just nodded and occasionally patted me on my shoulder. Her eyes held contact with mine as I mouthed every word. At times she would smile when I mentioned something funny that Jacky did. Sometimes a frown would appear on her face when I raked up sad memories. “What do you intend to do?” I was at a loss for words. Here I was, trying to get an answer to that question. Yet there she was, posing me that question. I shook my head. “What can I do?” I whispered. “You want me to tell you a story?” I did nothing. I continued staring at the floor, counting the drops of tears that had escaped from my eyes. “I’ve never told anyone about the story of your grandfather and me.” She grabbed my shoulders and held me straight up. I was amazed by her strength. “Be strong and listen to my story. Because this story is all about courage. That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I had lit my fifth cigarette when I decided to think logically. I was sitting on one of the many benches in the park, glaring at every single person walking by. I had a giddy spell by my third stick, but somehow, I just wanted to smoke more. Cancer? Death? I had never expected such issues to rub shoulders with me. It had always been the least of my worries. For the past few years, I had always been worried only about the words that I said. The curse I have been carrying. And somewhere out there, someone close to me had been battling an enemy called cancer and fleeing from an adversary named death? Somewhere out there, a person has been smiling for twenty-four hours a day even though he was next to the gates of hell? I blew the smoke out of my lungs through my nose, somewhat like a dragon. What could I do? What could I do to make him feel better? I was at my wits’ end, trapped in a nest of confusion. My tears had not stopped streaming since I dashed out of the ward. I had two missed calls traced to Jacky’s handphone. I did not call back. I merely messaged him a “Give me time”. I knew I would lose control if I heard his voice. What must I do now? I flicked the cigarette butt away and knew there was no way I could find the answer here. I headed home. I might not have Landy anymore, but I had a new chat mate.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Fortunately, my grandmother was still awake when I reached home. It was six-thirty in the evening. She was sitting on the sofa, just like what Landy used to do. She was massaging her legs while watching the news. I sat down next to her. This is my grandmother? Suddenly, I was hit by a tinge of guilt. We seldom talked, for I had Landy as a companion. But who did she have to confide in? Who did she approach when she was depressed? I have always been beside her, yet I lived in my own little world, ignoring the very same old lady who was sitting in front of me. I gently pushed her hand away and rubbed at her leg. She smiled and passed me the ointment. “Wah, Gwan, so good today?” she said. I shrugged. What kind of life had I been living for the past few years? A life of escape? A life of rebellion? Against this whole world? I said nothing as I continued to massage. When a droplet of water splashed on my grandmother’s leg, I realized I was crying again. I dared not look up. “Tell me what happened.” My grandmother said. I recalled the days I spent with Landy. I would sit here, chatting with Landy while my grandmother would greet us and retreat to her room. Jacky changed everything. He chased away my imaginary friend and brought me closer to my grandmother. I told my grandmother everything about Jacky. I told her how he smiled in every situation, how he always kept his temper. I told her about the first day that he held my hand, and how he helped me thus far. I told her everything, from my curse to Landy. And finally, I told her that Jacky was dying. And I told her of how much I love him. “I love him.” I repeated the sentence, as if it would help. “I love him a lot.” My grandmother did not interrupt me at all. She just nodded and occasionally patted me on my shoulder. Her eyes held contact with mine as I mouthed every word. At times she would smile when I mentioned something funny that Jacky did. Sometimes a frown would appear on her face when I raked up sad memories. “What do you intend to do?” I was at a loss for words. Here I was, trying to get an answer to that question. Yet there she was, posing me that question. I shook my head. “What can I do?” I whispered. “You want me to tell you a story?” I did nothing. I continued staring at the floor, counting the drops of tears that had escaped from my eyes. “I’ve never told anyone about the story of your grandfather and me.” She grabbed my shoulders and held me straight up. I was amazed by her strength. “Be strong and listen to my story. Because this story is all about courage. That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?”
Saturday 10 March 2007
If i had a universal remote control, i'd fast forward my life to the stage when i'm with *you, 'cos i'm dying inside to hold you.
Or perhaps that's not possible, 'cos maybe we will never be together.
If i walked away, would you hit the 'rewind' button & start all over again with me?
Would you want me back for good?
Or perhaps that's not possible, 'cos maybe we will never be together.
If i walked away, would you hit the 'rewind' button & start all over again with me?
Would you want me back for good?
Thursday 8 March 2007
I Believe You
Chapter 13
Sometimes, it is so hard to say just three words. I smelled the rich aroma of Jacky’s coffee. The scent was overbearing. Jacky was sitting beside me, taking another sip of his coffee. I stirred my diet coke with my straw and yawned. He still sat beside me in class as per his routine, and I did not oppose him. And at lunch break now, we had our lunch in silence. Jacky did not buy my drink; instead I bought his for him. Yet he just passed me the money without saying a word. Through the corner of my eye, I could see that he had finished his coffee and was coughing as if coffee would create phlegm. On the contrary, my diet coke was still full. There were still about ten more minutes before we had to head back to class. Come on, say it, Joanna! I turned to Jacky. Stunned, he returned my look. His hair was disheveled and his eyes were bloodshot. Despite downing the whole cup of coffee, his lips still looked dry. “You look pale.” I suddenly said and instantly regretted it. “Is it?” he twisted his neck. “Lack of sleep. Been thinking…” I wanted so much to crack a joke so that he would regain the redness on his cheeks. But I did not. I must say it now, or never. Come on, be brave, just three words!
“Hey.” I muttered, softer this time. I did not want others to hear me.
“Hey.” He replied. That idiot. Can’t he see that I’m struggling to say something to him?
“Hey.” I said again.
“Hey.”
“Hey, hey.”
“Can I…” he stopped.
“Wait.” I felt as if this conversation was going nowhere.
“I-”
“Hold your-”
“Love-”
“Hand?”
“You.”
Chapter 13
Sometimes, it is so hard to say just three words. I smelled the rich aroma of Jacky’s coffee. The scent was overbearing. Jacky was sitting beside me, taking another sip of his coffee. I stirred my diet coke with my straw and yawned. He still sat beside me in class as per his routine, and I did not oppose him. And at lunch break now, we had our lunch in silence. Jacky did not buy my drink; instead I bought his for him. Yet he just passed me the money without saying a word. Through the corner of my eye, I could see that he had finished his coffee and was coughing as if coffee would create phlegm. On the contrary, my diet coke was still full. There were still about ten more minutes before we had to head back to class. Come on, say it, Joanna! I turned to Jacky. Stunned, he returned my look. His hair was disheveled and his eyes were bloodshot. Despite downing the whole cup of coffee, his lips still looked dry. “You look pale.” I suddenly said and instantly regretted it. “Is it?” he twisted his neck. “Lack of sleep. Been thinking…” I wanted so much to crack a joke so that he would regain the redness on his cheeks. But I did not. I must say it now, or never. Come on, be brave, just three words!
“Hey.” I muttered, softer this time. I did not want others to hear me.
“Hey.” He replied. That idiot. Can’t he see that I’m struggling to say something to him?
“Hey.” I said again.
“Hey.”
“Hey, hey.”
“Can I…” he stopped.
“Wait.” I felt as if this conversation was going nowhere.
“I-”
“Hold your-”
“Love-”
“Hand?”
“You.”
When we both finished our sentences, his head dropped on the table slowly, creating a loud “bang”. His body began to sway towards me. I leaned forward to hold his shoulder, trying to break his fall but he was too heavy. He went tumbling onto the ground and all I could do was to lessen the impact of the fall. His eyes were closed and his cheeks were drained of colour. I shook his shoulders violently. Bewildered students crowded around us, whispering yet doing nothing. “Jacky!” I was shaking him, but he gave no response. “Jacky!” A lecturer came, dispersed the students and sent Jacky to the hospital. And I went along with the ambulance, my heart beating so fast that I could have had a heart attack anytime.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Jacky’s mother was a beautiful woman – it was obvious now where Jacky’s striking features had come from. She sat in the waiting room, muttering things that I could not understand. I was with Michael and Jacky’s other friends, all waiting anxiously as he was wheeled into the ward. Michael was trying to console all of us, and he was the one that introduced us as classmates of Jacky to his mother. The wait was over in about fifteen minutes. The doctor came out and talked to Jacky’s mother for a while. He was not smiling, nor was he frowning. When he finished, the nurse spoke to Jacky’s mother as the doctor went off. We went forward. I was trying to discern something from Jacky’s mother’s expression. She seemed relieved. “Jacky’s fine. Thanks a lot for all your concern. He just fainted due to stress over his studies. And he’s not fit to see anyone now. Come back another day, alright?” Jacky’s mother told us after the nurse had left. Everyone left but I stayed. I could sense that something was wrong. Jacky’s mother did not seem worried when talking to us. What left me dumbfounded was why Jacky should be hospitalized when he was merely under too much stress. I entered the ward. Jacky’s mother’s eyes were red-shot. She had been crying. When she saw me, she cupped her eyes for a while before opening them. “Didn’t I ask you all to go back home first?” she said, a bit impatiently. “Can I talk to you?”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Instead of talking at the hospital’s cafeteria, we went to the park. Jacky’s mother was a reserved lady. Throughout the whole journey, she said nothing. When we reached the park, we sat beside an old man. The old man was wearing a patient’s uniform, and he kept smiling at me as if he knew me. “It’s not just over-stress, right?” “It is.” “Being hospitalized for over-stress? Not waking up till now simply because he’s under too much stress? I’ve-” “Please don’t act as if you know Jacky very well. You’re just his classmate, a friend, or whatever. Please, I don’t want to start a quarrel or whatever. When I said over-stress, it’s over-stress. What more can I say?” “But-” “He’s just under too much stress. If you don’t believe me, fine with that. I’m going back to my office. I don’t want to be over-stressed myself.” With that, she went off, leaving me alone with the old man. “Young lady,” the old man suddenly asked. “Are you just his classmate, a friend?” He must have been eavesdropping on our conversation. However, I saw no harm in telling him the truth, so I said, “I believe I’m more than that.” “Alright then, love him while you can. In love, there’s only love or don’t love. Since you love him, do it now.” The old man said. Why do all old people say the same thing? For a nanosecond, I wondered if he was my long-lost dead Grandfather or not.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Suddenly, it all made sense. It all made so much sense that I bought a pack of cigarettes and lighted one before going back to the ward. “I wanna help you. To see you smile.” “I want to do something meaningful while I can.” Jacky had said that before. To do something meaningful while he could. I shivered at that thought. I really hoped that it would not be what I had expected. I walked up the stairs with my head spinning. The cigarette had made me giddy. Jacky had awakened when I reached the ward. He was smiling. “Hey.” I said.He just nodded weakly, and pointed to the flask of water beside him. I poured him water. “I like coffee better.” He smiled. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I said. I was biting my lips, taking deep breaths. I could hear every single beat of my heart, and it was so fast that I was unable to count. “You know?” Jacky mouthed. “Your mother told me all about it.” “Can’t be. I asked her not to tell anyone. She promised.” “How can a matter like this be kept a secret?” I said. I realized I was smiling. Gosh. “So, how many months more do you have?” I suddenly asked. Jacky was avoiding my gaze. Then he did the most astonishing feat I had ever seen in my life. He grabbed a lump of his hair, shook a bit, and pulled it out. Almost all his hairs were in his hand now. His scalp was nothing but few strings of thin hair. “Two more years, to be exact if I don’t have the operation within this few months.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Jacky’s mother was a beautiful woman – it was obvious now where Jacky’s striking features had come from. She sat in the waiting room, muttering things that I could not understand. I was with Michael and Jacky’s other friends, all waiting anxiously as he was wheeled into the ward. Michael was trying to console all of us, and he was the one that introduced us as classmates of Jacky to his mother. The wait was over in about fifteen minutes. The doctor came out and talked to Jacky’s mother for a while. He was not smiling, nor was he frowning. When he finished, the nurse spoke to Jacky’s mother as the doctor went off. We went forward. I was trying to discern something from Jacky’s mother’s expression. She seemed relieved. “Jacky’s fine. Thanks a lot for all your concern. He just fainted due to stress over his studies. And he’s not fit to see anyone now. Come back another day, alright?” Jacky’s mother told us after the nurse had left. Everyone left but I stayed. I could sense that something was wrong. Jacky’s mother did not seem worried when talking to us. What left me dumbfounded was why Jacky should be hospitalized when he was merely under too much stress. I entered the ward. Jacky’s mother’s eyes were red-shot. She had been crying. When she saw me, she cupped her eyes for a while before opening them. “Didn’t I ask you all to go back home first?” she said, a bit impatiently. “Can I talk to you?”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Instead of talking at the hospital’s cafeteria, we went to the park. Jacky’s mother was a reserved lady. Throughout the whole journey, she said nothing. When we reached the park, we sat beside an old man. The old man was wearing a patient’s uniform, and he kept smiling at me as if he knew me. “It’s not just over-stress, right?” “It is.” “Being hospitalized for over-stress? Not waking up till now simply because he’s under too much stress? I’ve-” “Please don’t act as if you know Jacky very well. You’re just his classmate, a friend, or whatever. Please, I don’t want to start a quarrel or whatever. When I said over-stress, it’s over-stress. What more can I say?” “But-” “He’s just under too much stress. If you don’t believe me, fine with that. I’m going back to my office. I don’t want to be over-stressed myself.” With that, she went off, leaving me alone with the old man. “Young lady,” the old man suddenly asked. “Are you just his classmate, a friend?” He must have been eavesdropping on our conversation. However, I saw no harm in telling him the truth, so I said, “I believe I’m more than that.” “Alright then, love him while you can. In love, there’s only love or don’t love. Since you love him, do it now.” The old man said. Why do all old people say the same thing? For a nanosecond, I wondered if he was my long-lost dead Grandfather or not.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Suddenly, it all made sense. It all made so much sense that I bought a pack of cigarettes and lighted one before going back to the ward. “I wanna help you. To see you smile.” “I want to do something meaningful while I can.” Jacky had said that before. To do something meaningful while he could. I shivered at that thought. I really hoped that it would not be what I had expected. I walked up the stairs with my head spinning. The cigarette had made me giddy. Jacky had awakened when I reached the ward. He was smiling. “Hey.” I said.He just nodded weakly, and pointed to the flask of water beside him. I poured him water. “I like coffee better.” He smiled. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I said. I was biting my lips, taking deep breaths. I could hear every single beat of my heart, and it was so fast that I was unable to count. “You know?” Jacky mouthed. “Your mother told me all about it.” “Can’t be. I asked her not to tell anyone. She promised.” “How can a matter like this be kept a secret?” I said. I realized I was smiling. Gosh. “So, how many months more do you have?” I suddenly asked. Jacky was avoiding my gaze. Then he did the most astonishing feat I had ever seen in my life. He grabbed a lump of his hair, shook a bit, and pulled it out. Almost all his hairs were in his hand now. His scalp was nothing but few strings of thin hair. “Two more years, to be exact if I don’t have the operation within this few months.”
Wednesday 7 March 2007
I Believe You
Chapter 12
I cried throughout the whole journey home. The taxi-driver did nothing. He must have had picked up crying girls all too often. When I reached home minutes later, I called Landy. Strangely, all I did was to press the last dialed number and Landy’s voice came. “Landy, can you do me a favour? Come out now. I need your help.” A few minutes later, Landy and I were out on the streets. It was nine at night, but the market place was still teeming with people. I approached the auntie who always sells fish soup to me. “Hi, auntie.” I said. She was an old frail lady, but when I greeted her, her eyes sparkled. She must be surprised, for I had never greeted her before. “Oh, hi ah girl.” She replied after some hesitation. I pointed to Landy. “This is my best friend, Landy.” I said in Chinese. She looked at Landy. I knew I was right all along. But after a few seconds, she took a step back and bit her lips. “What? Huh?” I started to shiver. This can’t be… “This young and pretty lady here,” I rested my hand on Landy’s shoulder. “…is my best friend.” The auntie was lost for words. “I…” Then she took out a yellow paper from her wallet and clapped her hands together. I stared in disbelief. She started to pray to her surroundings. “God bless…” then she said something in Chinese that I could not understand. Before I could say anything, she turned to me and said aloud, “Bye, girl.” She then rushed off as if she had just seen a ghost. And Landy was still smiling. I did this experiment a few more times with some other people. They either told me to stop joking, or thought I was possessed by some spirit. None of them could see Landy. Except me. And just when I was about to probe Landy about this, she was gone. Just like that. Poof, gone without any warning. And, as expected, I tried calling her but I could not get through.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I felt so lonely. I went to school as usual the next day, this time, however, feeling like it was the first day of school. I was trying hard to avoid Jacky, but he was, as usual, as sticky as glue. He tried to start a conversation but I would cut him off with these two words: “Shut up.” Finally lunch break came. This was the first time that I was not looking forward to it. Jacky bought my drink, but I went off and bought my own. “Joanna-” “Shut up.” I said it for the tenth time. “Let me help-” “Why are you doing all this?” Now I was boiling with anger. Could it be the laksa in front of me that spurred me? When I looked at Jacky, I realized it was not the laksa. It was his face: his compassionate face that fueled the anger within me. “Why are you doing all this, Jacky!?” I was half-yelling. “I want to do something meaningful-” “Get lost!” I screamed. The whole canteen went quiet. Only the sound of the fans’ whirring could be heard. “Don’t give me that excuse anymore! There’re more than a thousand people in this school: Why me? Why!?” He was quiet and seemed to be on the verge of tears.“Is it because you pity me!?” If he was facing me, I could have given him a tight slap. “Is it because you think I need sympathy, that’s why you’re doing all this!?” “Yes. Maybe because I pity you that’s why I’m doing all this.” He said softly. People were bending forward, trying to make out what he had just said. “And when you knew that my best friend is an imaginary friend, you pitied me more?! That’s why you held my hand!? Be nice to me, because the best remedy for imaginary friends is to make me happy and socially involved? That’s why you said all those idiotic things at my void deck!?” I could tell that he was thinking. “Maybe.” He answered softly again. “That may be the reason.” I splashed my glass of Diet Coke onto his face. I smacked his cheek hard, then walked off. I was expecting him to give chase. But he did not. He must have stopped pitying me. I went straight to the toilet. No one bothered to come forward to console me. After washing my tears off, it was time to go back to class. I was dreading having to see Jacky again. We did not say anything more for the rest of the day. I confined myself to my notes and he was absorbed in the lecturer’s voice. Gosh oh gosh. What the heck had just happened? What the heck had I just done? An imaginary friend? A one-sided love story? Suddenly it occurred to me. Now I knew why Jacky could not be my boyfriend. That night, when he said we could not be together, I had cursed him. I had cursed him not to fall in love with me when I was angry. My. Gosh. It was my fault. My fault!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I went back to an empty house. My grandmother came home after a few hours. Had she been seeing things as well for the past four years? “Grandma,” I asked in Hokkien. “Do you remember Landy?” “Of course.” She replied. I looked around the living room. It was empty except for her and me. I pointed to the empty sofa and said, “She’s here.” She made an effort to look at the sofa then turned back at me. Her answer sent chills down my spine. “Yes, she still looks so beautiful. I’m going back to my room. You have a nice chat with her.” “Can you… chat with me?” I requested. Since my mother’s death, I had not had a decent chat with my grandmother. We had a “hi” & “bye” relationship. She had earned her living through collecting cans and donations from the residents. All my allowances came from her and from my auntie. My grandmother rolled her eyes. She ambled to the sofa and sat down, patting the seat beside me. She must have forgotten that Landy was “there”. Jacky had called me a few times but I rejected all his calls. I felt that he was just putting on a mask. “I’m feeling very lonely.” I told my grandmother. It was just so weird. I meant, my grandmother had always been so close to me, yet I had always consigned her to one side, as if she did not exist. “How old are you already, Gwan?” she suddenly asked. Gwan was the name that my parents used to call me. It had such a forgotten history that I nearly couldn’t remember that was my name. I told her almost everything about myself. My age, my school and my life in general. I did not tell her about Landy and my curse. Instead, I found myself talking to her about Jacky. It just came out of nowhere. “He’s a very nice and handsome guy.” I said. “Tall, tanned and always smiling. I always tell myself that I had not fallen in love with him.” “Why?” “Because… I don’t know. I knew I couldn’t love him. Grandma, what does love feels like?” My grandmother took a very long breath. However, I could tell that she was not thinking. She was preparing for a very long chat. “Easy. Tell me, two hours ago, who were you thinking of?” I thought back. “Jacky.” “Who are you thinking of now?” “Jacky.” “And if you’re still thinking of him two hours later, you’re in love. Gwan, love is a simple thing. It’s either you love, or you don’t. You can try everything, almost everything to prevent yourself from loving, but it all boils down to this: Either you love, or you don’t.” I pondered on her words. “Doesn’t matter how long the love lasts. You’ll be contented once you know you were in love before. Have I told you about the magnet theory?” I shook my head. “You’re like the North Pole of a magnet bar, and Jacky is also like the North Pole of a magnet bar. There’s no way for both of you to be close together. There’s a force that’ll always push you both apart. This force is called the obstacle, like interest differences, communication problems and etc. “However, if you put a metal bar in between, both you magnets will stick to it. And you’ll be close to each other. That metal bar dissolves the force that pushes both of you away. And that metal bar is what we called love.” What a load of bullshit. However, when I realized I was thinking of Jacky two hours later, I began to ponder her words again. Our metal bar… where can we find it? I wanted so much to ask my grandmother about it again, but she was asleep. And so I went to bed as well.
Chapter 12
I cried throughout the whole journey home. The taxi-driver did nothing. He must have had picked up crying girls all too often. When I reached home minutes later, I called Landy. Strangely, all I did was to press the last dialed number and Landy’s voice came. “Landy, can you do me a favour? Come out now. I need your help.” A few minutes later, Landy and I were out on the streets. It was nine at night, but the market place was still teeming with people. I approached the auntie who always sells fish soup to me. “Hi, auntie.” I said. She was an old frail lady, but when I greeted her, her eyes sparkled. She must be surprised, for I had never greeted her before. “Oh, hi ah girl.” She replied after some hesitation. I pointed to Landy. “This is my best friend, Landy.” I said in Chinese. She looked at Landy. I knew I was right all along. But after a few seconds, she took a step back and bit her lips. “What? Huh?” I started to shiver. This can’t be… “This young and pretty lady here,” I rested my hand on Landy’s shoulder. “…is my best friend.” The auntie was lost for words. “I…” Then she took out a yellow paper from her wallet and clapped her hands together. I stared in disbelief. She started to pray to her surroundings. “God bless…” then she said something in Chinese that I could not understand. Before I could say anything, she turned to me and said aloud, “Bye, girl.” She then rushed off as if she had just seen a ghost. And Landy was still smiling. I did this experiment a few more times with some other people. They either told me to stop joking, or thought I was possessed by some spirit. None of them could see Landy. Except me. And just when I was about to probe Landy about this, she was gone. Just like that. Poof, gone without any warning. And, as expected, I tried calling her but I could not get through.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I felt so lonely. I went to school as usual the next day, this time, however, feeling like it was the first day of school. I was trying hard to avoid Jacky, but he was, as usual, as sticky as glue. He tried to start a conversation but I would cut him off with these two words: “Shut up.” Finally lunch break came. This was the first time that I was not looking forward to it. Jacky bought my drink, but I went off and bought my own. “Joanna-” “Shut up.” I said it for the tenth time. “Let me help-” “Why are you doing all this?” Now I was boiling with anger. Could it be the laksa in front of me that spurred me? When I looked at Jacky, I realized it was not the laksa. It was his face: his compassionate face that fueled the anger within me. “Why are you doing all this, Jacky!?” I was half-yelling. “I want to do something meaningful-” “Get lost!” I screamed. The whole canteen went quiet. Only the sound of the fans’ whirring could be heard. “Don’t give me that excuse anymore! There’re more than a thousand people in this school: Why me? Why!?” He was quiet and seemed to be on the verge of tears.“Is it because you pity me!?” If he was facing me, I could have given him a tight slap. “Is it because you think I need sympathy, that’s why you’re doing all this!?” “Yes. Maybe because I pity you that’s why I’m doing all this.” He said softly. People were bending forward, trying to make out what he had just said. “And when you knew that my best friend is an imaginary friend, you pitied me more?! That’s why you held my hand!? Be nice to me, because the best remedy for imaginary friends is to make me happy and socially involved? That’s why you said all those idiotic things at my void deck!?” I could tell that he was thinking. “Maybe.” He answered softly again. “That may be the reason.” I splashed my glass of Diet Coke onto his face. I smacked his cheek hard, then walked off. I was expecting him to give chase. But he did not. He must have stopped pitying me. I went straight to the toilet. No one bothered to come forward to console me. After washing my tears off, it was time to go back to class. I was dreading having to see Jacky again. We did not say anything more for the rest of the day. I confined myself to my notes and he was absorbed in the lecturer’s voice. Gosh oh gosh. What the heck had just happened? What the heck had I just done? An imaginary friend? A one-sided love story? Suddenly it occurred to me. Now I knew why Jacky could not be my boyfriend. That night, when he said we could not be together, I had cursed him. I had cursed him not to fall in love with me when I was angry. My. Gosh. It was my fault. My fault!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I went back to an empty house. My grandmother came home after a few hours. Had she been seeing things as well for the past four years? “Grandma,” I asked in Hokkien. “Do you remember Landy?” “Of course.” She replied. I looked around the living room. It was empty except for her and me. I pointed to the empty sofa and said, “She’s here.” She made an effort to look at the sofa then turned back at me. Her answer sent chills down my spine. “Yes, she still looks so beautiful. I’m going back to my room. You have a nice chat with her.” “Can you… chat with me?” I requested. Since my mother’s death, I had not had a decent chat with my grandmother. We had a “hi” & “bye” relationship. She had earned her living through collecting cans and donations from the residents. All my allowances came from her and from my auntie. My grandmother rolled her eyes. She ambled to the sofa and sat down, patting the seat beside me. She must have forgotten that Landy was “there”. Jacky had called me a few times but I rejected all his calls. I felt that he was just putting on a mask. “I’m feeling very lonely.” I told my grandmother. It was just so weird. I meant, my grandmother had always been so close to me, yet I had always consigned her to one side, as if she did not exist. “How old are you already, Gwan?” she suddenly asked. Gwan was the name that my parents used to call me. It had such a forgotten history that I nearly couldn’t remember that was my name. I told her almost everything about myself. My age, my school and my life in general. I did not tell her about Landy and my curse. Instead, I found myself talking to her about Jacky. It just came out of nowhere. “He’s a very nice and handsome guy.” I said. “Tall, tanned and always smiling. I always tell myself that I had not fallen in love with him.” “Why?” “Because… I don’t know. I knew I couldn’t love him. Grandma, what does love feels like?” My grandmother took a very long breath. However, I could tell that she was not thinking. She was preparing for a very long chat. “Easy. Tell me, two hours ago, who were you thinking of?” I thought back. “Jacky.” “Who are you thinking of now?” “Jacky.” “And if you’re still thinking of him two hours later, you’re in love. Gwan, love is a simple thing. It’s either you love, or you don’t. You can try everything, almost everything to prevent yourself from loving, but it all boils down to this: Either you love, or you don’t.” I pondered on her words. “Doesn’t matter how long the love lasts. You’ll be contented once you know you were in love before. Have I told you about the magnet theory?” I shook my head. “You’re like the North Pole of a magnet bar, and Jacky is also like the North Pole of a magnet bar. There’s no way for both of you to be close together. There’s a force that’ll always push you both apart. This force is called the obstacle, like interest differences, communication problems and etc. “However, if you put a metal bar in between, both you magnets will stick to it. And you’ll be close to each other. That metal bar dissolves the force that pushes both of you away. And that metal bar is what we called love.” What a load of bullshit. However, when I realized I was thinking of Jacky two hours later, I began to ponder her words again. Our metal bar… where can we find it? I wanted so much to ask my grandmother about it again, but she was asleep. And so I went to bed as well.
I Believe You
Chapter 11
I took a maximum dosage of anti-depressants every morning. I got a call from a nurse the next morning when I was in class. I went to the toilet to take the call. Dr Ong had assigned another therapist for me. I agreed to go, but I had already decided not to. I had ruined Mr. Kam with my curse. They had to believe in it. Jacky was back to himself. It was like yesterday’s episode never occurred. He continued to wear that smile everywhere he went. I wondered if he would treat me like a girlfriend, but no. He treated me just like how he treated me before. There was no difference, but I guessed that was a good beginning. We spent the next few days studying and reading and by the next week, we were on schedule for the full-dress rehearsal of our play. We had agreed to sing the song together as the play concluded. And I had agreed to do the free-style play. After we had changed into our costumes, I waited backstage. The song was then played loudly.
When the song faded off, I looked at a cup of chestnut water beside me. “Poison…” I said to let the audience know that that was not chestnut water. “Poison…” I tightened my grip on his hand and I could hear a soft groan from Jacky through his closed mouth. “Wait for me, Jacky. What for I live when you not around?” And I gulped down the chestnut water. It tasted sweet. I shook and nodded my head for several seconds before dropping onto the floor, my hand still holding on to Jacky’s. After a while, I sensed movement. Jacky was waking up. He said something before lying on my back. Everyone clapped. We thought we had done very well when one of the lecturers spotted a very obvious mistake on my part. “When you’re on the stage,” she said, “Jacky is Romeo and you’re Juliet.” I wondered if she was trying to be sarcastic or she was serious about pointing out my mistake.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Our literature lecturer Mrs Goh treated us to dinner after the full-dress rehearsal. Everyone was impressed with our performance. They said we had “chemistry” and it was a very touching play. I begged to differ, for I thought I could have done better. “Call Landy and get her to join us.” Jacky suddenly cut in after we had placed our orders. I thought that was not a good idea so I did not call her. But Jacky persisted, “Go on, call her.” “No means no.” I said. I felt like we were a couple having a small spat. Jacky shook his head slightly and did not press the issue. Almost every student got either their parents or partners to send them home. Mrs Goh offered to give Jacky and me a lift, but we politely refused. And so we took a long bus ride back home. “Call Landy.” Jacky commanded when we were in the bus. There were less than ten people in the bus. “For what?” He glanced out of the window then pressed the bell. With that, he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the bus. I pushed his hand off and looked around me. “Knock it off! What the heck are you doing?” We were in the middle of a highway. “Why didn’t you go for the previous appointment with Dr Ong? Listen to me, Joanna. Listen to me well. Go for the appointments with Dr Ong. You’re sick.” He pointed to my forehead. “You need help.” I shoved his hand off again and snorted, “What do you know about me? Why act as if you’re me! I cursed one of them! If I had been harsher…” I stopped. I should not talk that much. “Just…” I stopped myself. “I’m going to prove it to you if you still don’t believe me.” “Prove what?” “Take out your handphone.” I threw my bag to the ground and gnashed my teeth. “I’m not your servant. I don’t do what you want me to do!” “I’m going to prove to you that your best friend Landy is just an imaginary friend.” I stopped breathing for exactly one second. That was it. That was too much. I slapped his right cheek hard, feeling the pain on my hand. He stared at me as if it did not hurt. But his cheek began to swell. “Landy doesn’t exist,” he said. I gave him another tight slap. The loud sound of the impact echoed into the night. Our eyes darted towards each other and images of Landy jogged in my mind. “You created her. She is the perfect portrayal of a lady, and you want to be like her. That’s very normal, Joanna. Nothing to be ashamed of. Many children have imaginary friends. They get over it. You’ve just been talking to your imaginary friend for the-” “No!” I yelled. My hand was too painful for another slap. “No, no, no! This can’t be! After all these… after all these......!” I turned. A bus came and I flagged it but it continued to drive past me. On its sign was “Off-Service”. “Joanna-” “Get away from me.” “Take out your handphone. Show me Landy is real.” I did what he said. “Now, read out Landy’s handphone number to me.” I scrolled through the phonebook in my handphone. L… Lay Hong, Lemon, Leslie, Luke, Luther… I scrolled again. Still the same. Landy Wen Wen Lan is her full name. I strolled to W. Wendy, Winnie. Still no Landy. “9…” I halted. I did not know what to say. “9…” Her number had got to be there! Someone must have deleted her number off my handphone. Yes, her number was my last dialed call. I just had to get to my Call Register…Last Dialed Number: Jacky Wu. “No…” I looked up at Jacky. He was frowning, but I knew he must have been enjoying every moment of this. “When you talk to the phone, you’re just talking to yourself.” “But you saw her! You saw her that day!” “I saw no one. I acted as if I saw her. Because I did not know what to do. I was so confused. Did you know what you did that day?” He broke into a smile, and then pointed to the air beside him. “Hi Jacky, this is Landy.” He paused. “This was what you did.” “She was there!” I was screaming now. “Dr Ong saw her as well-” “He faked it as well. He thought if we were to tell you that day in front of so many people, you’d be agitated. He said that the best remedy for an imaginary friend is to let it go away naturally. Make you happy, make you feel socially involved and the imaginary friend will go away. That’s the reason why he had increased the dosage of your anti-depressants.” “My grandmother can see her as well. Explain that to me then!” “Your grandma is three-quarters blind. She couldn’t tell the difference between Landy and the door. Who else has seen Landy before? No one.” “You’re lying.” I said. “You’re lying!” I saw a taxi from afar. I seized my bag and held my hand out. “You’re ruining my life.” “Please-” I could hear his fading voice, but he did not give chase. Before I got into the taxi, I took off the watch he had given me for my birthday and threw it far away.
Chapter 11
I took a maximum dosage of anti-depressants every morning. I got a call from a nurse the next morning when I was in class. I went to the toilet to take the call. Dr Ong had assigned another therapist for me. I agreed to go, but I had already decided not to. I had ruined Mr. Kam with my curse. They had to believe in it. Jacky was back to himself. It was like yesterday’s episode never occurred. He continued to wear that smile everywhere he went. I wondered if he would treat me like a girlfriend, but no. He treated me just like how he treated me before. There was no difference, but I guessed that was a good beginning. We spent the next few days studying and reading and by the next week, we were on schedule for the full-dress rehearsal of our play. We had agreed to sing the song together as the play concluded. And I had agreed to do the free-style play. After we had changed into our costumes, I waited backstage. The song was then played loudly.
“Two A.M and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You’re telling me you’re so confused
You can’t make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You’re asking me”
Jacky was lying on the stage, his eyes closed. I walked forward slowly, looking at the “unconscious” Jacky. “Romeo.” I whispered. “No, Romeo…” I rushed forward and genuflected in front of him, holding his head up. I could hear his breathing and smell his sweat. “Romeo…” I held his hand and clutched it tight. It was warm. I gripped it tighter, and then laid my head on his chest. “Why are you going away now when I’m so in love with you? Why?” The audience (consisting of lecturers and our classmates) was so quiet that we might even hear the flapping sound of a mosquito’s wings. My breaths were unsteady. I was blinking fast again. “Please leh, stay with me. I love you.” I should have given the cue to play the song, but I forgot to do so. Instead, I lay on Jacky’s chest, hearing his every heartbeat. Strangely, I had a fear: I feared that his heart might stop beating anytime. After about a minute of silence, the song was played again.
Jacky was lying on the stage, his eyes closed. I walked forward slowly, looking at the “unconscious” Jacky. “Romeo.” I whispered. “No, Romeo…” I rushed forward and genuflected in front of him, holding his head up. I could hear his breathing and smell his sweat. “Romeo…” I held his hand and clutched it tight. It was warm. I gripped it tighter, and then laid my head on his chest. “Why are you going away now when I’m so in love with you? Why?” The audience (consisting of lecturers and our classmates) was so quiet that we might even hear the flapping sound of a mosquito’s wings. My breaths were unsteady. I was blinking fast again. “Please leh, stay with me. I love you.” I should have given the cue to play the song, but I forgot to do so. Instead, I lay on Jacky’s chest, hearing his every heartbeat. Strangely, I had a fear: I feared that his heart might stop beating anytime. After about a minute of silence, the song was played again.
“But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But I believeFor you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I just play my part
And pray you’ll have a change of heart
But I can’t make you see it through
That’s something only love can do…”
When the song faded off, I looked at a cup of chestnut water beside me. “Poison…” I said to let the audience know that that was not chestnut water. “Poison…” I tightened my grip on his hand and I could hear a soft groan from Jacky through his closed mouth. “Wait for me, Jacky. What for I live when you not around?” And I gulped down the chestnut water. It tasted sweet. I shook and nodded my head for several seconds before dropping onto the floor, my hand still holding on to Jacky’s. After a while, I sensed movement. Jacky was waking up. He said something before lying on my back. Everyone clapped. We thought we had done very well when one of the lecturers spotted a very obvious mistake on my part. “When you’re on the stage,” she said, “Jacky is Romeo and you’re Juliet.” I wondered if she was trying to be sarcastic or she was serious about pointing out my mistake.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Our literature lecturer Mrs Goh treated us to dinner after the full-dress rehearsal. Everyone was impressed with our performance. They said we had “chemistry” and it was a very touching play. I begged to differ, for I thought I could have done better. “Call Landy and get her to join us.” Jacky suddenly cut in after we had placed our orders. I thought that was not a good idea so I did not call her. But Jacky persisted, “Go on, call her.” “No means no.” I said. I felt like we were a couple having a small spat. Jacky shook his head slightly and did not press the issue. Almost every student got either their parents or partners to send them home. Mrs Goh offered to give Jacky and me a lift, but we politely refused. And so we took a long bus ride back home. “Call Landy.” Jacky commanded when we were in the bus. There were less than ten people in the bus. “For what?” He glanced out of the window then pressed the bell. With that, he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the bus. I pushed his hand off and looked around me. “Knock it off! What the heck are you doing?” We were in the middle of a highway. “Why didn’t you go for the previous appointment with Dr Ong? Listen to me, Joanna. Listen to me well. Go for the appointments with Dr Ong. You’re sick.” He pointed to my forehead. “You need help.” I shoved his hand off again and snorted, “What do you know about me? Why act as if you’re me! I cursed one of them! If I had been harsher…” I stopped. I should not talk that much. “Just…” I stopped myself. “I’m going to prove it to you if you still don’t believe me.” “Prove what?” “Take out your handphone.” I threw my bag to the ground and gnashed my teeth. “I’m not your servant. I don’t do what you want me to do!” “I’m going to prove to you that your best friend Landy is just an imaginary friend.” I stopped breathing for exactly one second. That was it. That was too much. I slapped his right cheek hard, feeling the pain on my hand. He stared at me as if it did not hurt. But his cheek began to swell. “Landy doesn’t exist,” he said. I gave him another tight slap. The loud sound of the impact echoed into the night. Our eyes darted towards each other and images of Landy jogged in my mind. “You created her. She is the perfect portrayal of a lady, and you want to be like her. That’s very normal, Joanna. Nothing to be ashamed of. Many children have imaginary friends. They get over it. You’ve just been talking to your imaginary friend for the-” “No!” I yelled. My hand was too painful for another slap. “No, no, no! This can’t be! After all these… after all these......!” I turned. A bus came and I flagged it but it continued to drive past me. On its sign was “Off-Service”. “Joanna-” “Get away from me.” “Take out your handphone. Show me Landy is real.” I did what he said. “Now, read out Landy’s handphone number to me.” I scrolled through the phonebook in my handphone. L… Lay Hong, Lemon, Leslie, Luke, Luther… I scrolled again. Still the same. Landy Wen Wen Lan is her full name. I strolled to W. Wendy, Winnie. Still no Landy. “9…” I halted. I did not know what to say. “9…” Her number had got to be there! Someone must have deleted her number off my handphone. Yes, her number was my last dialed call. I just had to get to my Call Register…Last Dialed Number: Jacky Wu. “No…” I looked up at Jacky. He was frowning, but I knew he must have been enjoying every moment of this. “When you talk to the phone, you’re just talking to yourself.” “But you saw her! You saw her that day!” “I saw no one. I acted as if I saw her. Because I did not know what to do. I was so confused. Did you know what you did that day?” He broke into a smile, and then pointed to the air beside him. “Hi Jacky, this is Landy.” He paused. “This was what you did.” “She was there!” I was screaming now. “Dr Ong saw her as well-” “He faked it as well. He thought if we were to tell you that day in front of so many people, you’d be agitated. He said that the best remedy for an imaginary friend is to let it go away naturally. Make you happy, make you feel socially involved and the imaginary friend will go away. That’s the reason why he had increased the dosage of your anti-depressants.” “My grandmother can see her as well. Explain that to me then!” “Your grandma is three-quarters blind. She couldn’t tell the difference between Landy and the door. Who else has seen Landy before? No one.” “You’re lying.” I said. “You’re lying!” I saw a taxi from afar. I seized my bag and held my hand out. “You’re ruining my life.” “Please-” I could hear his fading voice, but he did not give chase. Before I got into the taxi, I took off the watch he had given me for my birthday and threw it far away.
Saturday 3 March 2007
The verdict is finally out.
The long-awaited 'A' level results.. have finally been released.
My 2 yrs in junior college have not gone to waste.
2 yrs.
24 months.
730 days.
17520 hours.
1051200 minutes.
63072000 seconds.
Every bit of it is worth it.
My efforts have paid off.
My not-so-hard labour has borne fruit.
Nothing beats doing your loved ones proud.
Nothing.
I may not have done as well as the top students.
I may not have 9 distinctions.
Not 8.
Not 7.
Not 6.
Not 5.
Not 4.
Not 3.
Just 2.
But i'm happy with just 2.
And i'm happy to have obtained a B3 for GP.
Most importantly, i am glad to have done my parents proud, especially my mum.
Mum, i love you.
I really do, although i don't often show it.
I can never forget the happy faces of my parents when i broke the news that i had topped the class in Primary 1.
Never will i forget.
Since then, i haven't done anything to make them proud of me.
But this time, when i told my mum my grades over the phone, she wept.
Tears of joy.
I'm happy, knowing that these results can get me a good course.
I'm even more ecstatic because i have not disappointed my parents.
This is not the end.
I vow to study a course i'm interested in, settle down quickly & work hard.
Today, i make a vow to make my parents proud of me again in years to come.
I will make good my word.
The rest remains to be seen.
The long-awaited 'A' level results.. have finally been released.
My 2 yrs in junior college have not gone to waste.
2 yrs.
24 months.
730 days.
17520 hours.
1051200 minutes.
63072000 seconds.
Every bit of it is worth it.
My efforts have paid off.
My not-so-hard labour has borne fruit.
Nothing beats doing your loved ones proud.
Nothing.
I may not have done as well as the top students.
I may not have 9 distinctions.
Not 8.
Not 7.
Not 6.
Not 5.
Not 4.
Not 3.
Just 2.
But i'm happy with just 2.
And i'm happy to have obtained a B3 for GP.
Most importantly, i am glad to have done my parents proud, especially my mum.
Mum, i love you.
I really do, although i don't often show it.
I can never forget the happy faces of my parents when i broke the news that i had topped the class in Primary 1.
Never will i forget.
Since then, i haven't done anything to make them proud of me.
But this time, when i told my mum my grades over the phone, she wept.
Tears of joy.
I'm happy, knowing that these results can get me a good course.
I'm even more ecstatic because i have not disappointed my parents.
This is not the end.
I vow to study a course i'm interested in, settle down quickly & work hard.
Today, i make a vow to make my parents proud of me again in years to come.
I will make good my word.
The rest remains to be seen.
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