Working in _______ has really been a rollercoaster ride. A monstrous ride not for the faint-hearted.

In the beginning, i was real excited about getting on the ride. I wanted to feel good. I thought it would be a good experience. Like a kid ready to ride on a rollercoaster for the 1st time, i was inexperienced and was anxious to find out what was in store for me.

I got onto the rollercoaster early & found some time to talk to the other people on the ride.. the people who would experience the same feelings as i would during the ride.. My colleagues. These people were about my age.. some slightly older. We got along well.

Finally, after about 1 month (of training), we were officially on board. Start of the ride. I felt really uneasy at 1st 'cos i was new. I was unsure of many things. Left some customers dissatisfied with my service. I felt nauseous. Things got a little better but i still felt far from good. I could take it no more. I couldn't keep it all in me. I vomited. I started pouring out my problems to my colleagues. They were new to the ride as well, but their initial reaction wasn't as bad as mine. They told me that things would get better & encouraged me to stay on the ride. And so i did.

Things did get better. Served some really appreciative customers with pleasure. This was when the rollercoaster was on the way up. With each happy customer, the rollercoaster went higher & higher. I felt happy. I wanted the rollercoaster to keep going higher. But it had to go in the reverse direction at some point. One difficult customer was all it took. It's funny how it takes many happy customers to make one feel good but only one nasty customer to reverse the situation. When the rollercoaster was on the way down, i screamed. "Ahhhhhhh!" The rollercoaster was going up, the next moment it was going down. Likewise, my smile had turned into a frown.

Soon, i became used to the nature of the rollercoaster ride. I experienced the ups & downs far too many times. I was numb. But i still felt sick. The rollercoaster kept going around the same track & everything seemed uninteresting. It was a case of knowing what was gonna happen next. I wanted to get off the ride. But the rollercoaster just wouldn't stop for me to get off. I accepted my fate & told myself that the ride would be over real soon.

Where am i now? I'm still on the ride. I'm complaining less, and i'm starting to see my colleagues crack under stress. They're experiencing what i experienced earlier, just that i started early. Now, i'm fine. Some colleagues are talking about leaving for another ride. But i guess we're all in this together & we're sticking up for each other. About one more month till the end of the ride. I can do it.

I Believe You

Chapter 5

There was a long period of silence. I wiped my tears off but they kept on coming. Jacky stroked me gently on my back, as if it would help to stop my sobbing. In that moment, I really wished I would wake up in the comfort of my bed and realize that everything had just been a dream. I guessed I had regretted telling Jacky everything. No one knew about all this except Landy. I had tried so hard to bury my past but Jacky’s persistence had caused me to dig it out. I pushed Jacky off, knowing I could not lay my head on his shoulder forever. To my surprise, he was wearing a smile, not at all surprised by my story. “And you believe you caused the death of your mother? Because of the ‘curse’ that you have?” he said.I nodded. “Silly, Joanna. There’s a word known as ‘coincidence’. It just happened to be a coincidence.” This time round, I shook my head. “A few days after my mother’s death, I had a quarrel with one of my friends. In the midst of the quarrel, I…” I paused again. It was hard to dig out a past that had been buried away for so long. “I said, ‘You’re so stubborn, your boyfriend is gonna leave you soon!’. And a few days later, her boyfriend broke up with her.” “Well, two coincidences.” “I once scolded a taxi driver for speeding. I said he would soon get into an accident if he continued to speed. He ignored my warnings and the next day, the newspaper reported that a taxi had smashed onto a tree. Luckily the taxi driver suffered no serious injury. I’ve always hoped it was just coincidences, Jacky. It’s not. It’s a curse. I’m cursed. Every bad thing I say will come true.” “That’s the reason why you’re so quiet? So… introverted?” I nodded. “More or less. Trust me, it’s not coincidences. There’re more examples of my curse. I dare not talk, for fear I may ‘accidentally’ curse others. It’s not my fault.” Jacky bit his lip. A few seconds later, he mouthed, “I remembered you once said you’ve got friends outside JC. Is it true?” “Just one friend. Name’s Landy. Strangely…” I stopped, wondering if I should tell Jacky about Landy or not. I thought, since I had already told him so much, why not tell him about Landy as well? “She isn’t affected by my curses. I had accidentally cursed her a few times but she seems to be immune to it. Nothing happens after my curses. Hence she has always been my best friend.” I told him more about Landy, on how we first met and how she visited me frequently just for a chat. “My grandmother will open the door for her when I’m not in. However my grandmother always forgets she does that. She has poor memory and poor eyesight.” “Landy must have been a good friend to come by for a chat.” “Yeah.” I said, a bit annoyed by that pointless remark. “So she knew about your ‘curse’ as well? And encouraged you to avoid talking to others?” “That’s right.” I replied. “She had seen how people suffered under my curse. That’s the reason why she prefers me to keep quiet.” “Okay…” Jacky muttered then closed his eyes, obviously trying to think of something to say. I stared at his closed eyes. Why had I told him so much? Maybe it was to tell him the reason why I did not like the idea of the free-style play. Maybe it was also to tell him that my quietness was not my fault. Maybe to let him paint a better image of me in his mind. “Remember your promise just now?” he suddenly said, interrupting my thoughts. “Yeah.” “Okay, believe in me now. Say this after me ‘I don’t have a curse.’" “But I-” “Remember your promise!” he exclaimed, cutting my sentence. “Now, repeat after me… ‘I don’t have a curse’.”I guessed I just had to play along to humour him. “I don’t have a curse. Silly.” “No! Just say ‘I don’t have a curse’. No ‘silly’ behind. Come on, try again.”I shrugged. Was he childish or was I too matured? “I don’t have a curse.” “Good. Now say ‘I am just having a minor mental illness that can be cured after seeing a psychiatrist.’” “No!” this time, I yelled. “No, I, you… you-” I stopped myself at that very moment. I was going to say “you idiot”, but that would equal to cursing him. I just glared at him, wanting so much to scold him. “I’m not sick.” I sneered. “Believe in me. Remember your promise? Believe in me! Say after me!” “I’m not sick.” “Believe in me. Believe me! You’ll not fail if you believe!” “I’m not sick. I’m cursed.” “Believe me!” Once again, I fell into silence. Knowing that I would not win this argument, I said, “I don’t have a curse. I am just having a minor mental illness that can be cured after seeing a psychiatrist.” Jacky nodded. “Good. I’ll call the shrink tomorrow, and we’ll book an appointment, okay? I’ll accompany you to the shrink.” “What?!” I yelled instantly. “No way!” “Look, Joanna, there’re still five more minutes to the hour. You should still believe me, alright? You need a doctor.” “No I don’t!” “Then prove it to me! If the doctor can’t cure you, then I’ll give up!” I had never seen a shrink before. In my impression, a shrink looks like the beautiful Kelly Chen, the actress who acted as one in the movie “Infernal Affairs”. She would just listen and the patient will do the talking. The patient will feel better after taking some medication and he or she will be cured. Silly, isn’t it? How can anyone’s accumulated mental illness get better after saying everything and popping a few pills? I could not believe Jacky had just suggested I do that. “No.” I said. “I’ll go with you. Every appointment. Please.” He would go with me? I pondered on that. For the longest period of time, I had always been alone. Now this silly weirdo had just proposed to accompany me for those silly appointments. I frowned, lowering my eyebrows to a V shape. Was he trying to break my routine? “Are you trying to break my routine? Change my life?” I said my thoughts aloud. “Yes. I wanna break your routine. I wanna change your life.” This was getting sillier. I had been lonely for more than three years. What could he possibly do? I guessed the best he could do was to mess up my life. Like recommending me to see a shrink. Silly, silly Jacky. Really silly. Asking me to believe in him, to believe that he would be able to change my life…“…for the better.” He added suddenly. For the better? I stared up at the stars. Maybe I was trying to avoid him. But all of a sudden, I said, “When is the first appointment?” It was my heart speaking. He told me he had to check everything first. Upon our agreement, we climbed down the playground and made our way to the bus-stop. After waiting for a few minutes, we realized that it was close to one in the morning. “Sorry, I don’t have enough cash with me.” He said.“Me too.” His face brightened up. “Then I’ll walk you home, and I’ll walk home after that!” I wanted so much to smile. To laugh at his silly antics. However, I just nodded. We were at West Coast and my house is at Jurong Extension. It would take more than an hour’s walk.We started the long walk talking about many things. This was the first time I had spoken so much to another person other than Landy since my parents’ deaths. Jacky said that he was the only child in his family. His father died of cancer when he was just seven; hence he had a very close relationship with his mother. He said he learnt a lot of things when his father was dying. He told me how precious life could be, and said that we all came into this world for a purpose. “Happiness and sadness are not caused by your surroundings. They’re caused by your thinking.” He verbalized. When I asked him about his plans for the future, he gave me an answer that really surprised me. “My plans for the future? Make you smile. Do something meaningful.” We reached my house about an hour later. He was totally exhausted. Beads of sweats blanketed his forehead, but he was still smiling despite the weariness. “I’ll call you.” He said. “I’ll call you and tell you when we’ll meet up for the appointment. I’ll… see you around, eh?” “Yeah.” I said. I realized he still had a long way to go from my house to his house at Bukit Batok. “You want me to get some cash for you to take a cab?” I had expected him to say yes. He was massaging his neck and looked as if he wanted to vomit. However, he maintained his pride and muttered, “No, I’ll walk home. It’s good exercise.” “Well, good for you. See you.” After he left, I took a bath. Landy was my room, sleeping soundly on my bed. After my bath, the doorbell rang. It was two in the morning. Who could it be? I looked through the hole in the door. It was Jacky. “Hey…” he said, resting his back on the wall. His face was pale white, as if he had just seen a ghost. His lips seemed to be wet and he smelled of puke. “Can you lend me twenty bucks? I’ll return it to you tomorrow.” I passed him the money. “Return me something else. Not the twenty bucks. Something else that is worth twenty bucks.” What was I saying? Sometimes, I felt that I said stupid things to him. “Okay.” He saluted me and said, “I’ll return you something else. Something that twenty bucks can’t buy.” With that, he ambled off. I stared at the last of his shadow before I closed my door, and I did something I had never expected myself to do.I smiled to myself.

I Believe You

Chapter 4

The taxi ride to West Coast Park took me fifteen minutes. By then, night had fallen and I had already stopped shedding tears. There were not many people around. Landy came an hour later and we climbed up the tall pyramid-shaped playground, lying on the ropes.

“You really want to tell him everything, don’t you?” Landy said. “Coz you feel like you’ve got a… bond with him.”

“He’ll get killed by me.” I whispered. “I don’t want danger to befall him.”

“But you really want to tell him about your problems. You really wanna tell him about your curse. I support you.”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, why not we play a game? If he’s here within fifteen minutes, you’ll tell him about your problems, okay? If not, we’ll sleep here for the night. Are you game for it?”

I looked up at the starless night. He would not be able to find me, I thought. “Deal.”

“Well then, I’m going down.” Landy reached down, grabbed the rope below and slowly made her way down.

“Huh?”

“Look down, my friend.” By then, Landy had reached the ground. She waved at me and I understood what she meant at the moment I looked down. Jacky, still in his uniform, walked past her. When he saw me, he smiled broadly and climbed up the ropes, flaunting his lean biceps. Within a few seconds he was sitting beside me.

“How did you know I was here?” I said. “Landy called you?”

“Who’s Landy?” Jacky shrugged and shook his head.

“The girl who just walked past you.”

“Did anyone walk past me just now?” he furrowed his brows. “I didn’t notice. I just saw you.”

“Then how did you know I’d be here?”

“I installed a tracer on your handphone. You know, like those tracers that secret agents use? I bought it on the black market. Cost me a bomb.”

I bit my lip and ignored his pointless remark.

“Joanna, can I tell you something?”

I nodded, stunned at his seriousness. He never usually bothered to request permission when he asked questions. What he had just said freaked me out. My eyes were fixed to the ground, my hand toying with the ropes that supported our weight.

“I know it’s one of the hardest things to do in the world… I know it’s like asking you to stuff your fist into your mouth or it’s like asking you to eat caterpillars but…” he paused. I shivered. Gosh, he looked really serious when he was not smiling. “Will you… will you, believe me?”

“Believe you?” I twisted my head, almost relieved. “What do you mean?” I was not expecting him to say something so simple.

“Lend me an hour of your time. In this hour, I really hope you can believe in everything I say. Will you?”

I clenched my hand into a fist, thinking hard. I then recalled the deal I had with Landy. “Okay, I believe. Now, what do you want to say?”

“Tell me about your problems. Joanna, you’ll not fail if you keep trying.”

“No! No one can help-”

“Joanna!” And he did it: He held my hand and cried, “Believe me!”

I shook my head a few times, trying hard to believe him. I will not fail if I keep trying? I had always been trying… but I always failed. I’d given up hope on everything, choosing instead to live in my own world.

A minute passed silently. I gazed fixedly at the starless sky. Time seemed to be crawling by callously. I grabbed a rope, preparing to leap down when Landy’s words came to mind again. With that thought, I looked up at Jacky. His eyes darted towards mine. It was then I realized he was still holding on to my left hand.

“Believe me.” He repeated as he released my hand. I felt a surge of loss. “What is the reason that causes you to be so reserved? How did your parents… pass away?”

Tears started to well up in my eyes. I wanted so much to lay my head on his shoulder but I feared he might feel uncomfortable. I shook my head a few times to hold back my tears. It was not an easy task. “I killed them.”

“Tell me more. Let me help.”

“You can’t help!” I yelled, my voice echoing in the quiet night.

“Believe in me!”

“You wouldn’t-”

“You have to be-”

“It’s too complica-”

“Believe me!”

“No one can help-”

“I can help you. I really can. Let me help, please. Believe in me.”

Somehow, my heart melted and I gave in.

“I was born into a perfect family. I had a father who drove a taxi and a mother who cooked for others.” I started, not daring to face him.

“That’s very good. Go on.”

“We lived simply, yet happily. My dad worked seven days a week. Every night, I would wait for my father to buy supper for us. The three of us would eat while watching television. That late night meal was the only time for us to be together. I would tell them about the new bully at school. They would teach me how to fight back.”

“You’ve got good parents.” Jacky cut in, obviously just to prove that he was still listening.

“Life was perfect. Just so perfect. Until one day… one day…” Whenever the memories flowed back, I would choke on my tears. Jacky patted me on my back, encouraging me to keep my composure. I knew if I was to tell him about myself, I would have to overcome those memories. “One day… that day…” I took a long, deep breath. “It all happened.”

“The day started like any other day. My father ate his breakfast in a rush and then went to work. As usual, I yelled ‘Drive carefully, Dad’ to him before he stepped out of the house. I was in school, listening to the teacher telling us everything about how apples drop to the ground when I saw my mother outside the classroom.

“I remembered that day, we were supposed to have a spelling test yet I had forgotten to bring the exercise book. I thought my mother was just there to pass me my book. Little did I expect it to be something more than just a book.

“She grabbed my hand and we left the school. No words were exchanged. We went into a taxi, and when she cried, I sensed something was wrong. Then she hugged me, and I knew it was bad news.”

I paused. I needed a break from the bad memories flooding back. Jacky flashed his trademark smile and patted my shoulder. We stayed that way for a few more minutes.

“My father had died in a car accident. In his desperate attempt to fetch a passenger, he neglected his own safety. A lorry crashed his car. He died instantly. I was only twelve then. I cried everyday, waiting for my supper to come. But every night, only memories of my Dad came back. I could no longer tell him about the new bully that came to my school.

“My mother, strangely, indirectly blamed me for his death. She claimed that had I not told my father to drive carefully, he might not have died. It made no sense at all. With my father’s death, my mother quit her job and turned into a drunkard. She would return every night stinking of alcohol. I had no idea where she got the money.

“I was totally depressed with my broken family. I met a group of friends when I was in Secondary One in a stairway. They introduced to me ways to relax: smoking, drinking. I was lured in by the luxury of not having to care. I smoked my days away.”

“I cannot imagine you were once a smoker.” Jacky said.

“I was. Home was just a place for me to seek quarrels. I tried my best to stay away from my house. My mother would always call me names like ‘jinx’ or ‘bitch’, even in her sober mind. Finally, one day, I had enough. I put all my clothes into a bag and shouted to her, ‘I hope you’ll die in a car accident, just like daddy. And I hope you’ll get crushed by a big lorry!’ After that, I stayed in my friend’s house for two days.

“And two days later…” I was shuddering now, my tears rolling out like there was no tomorrow. I tried to brush them away but they kept coming. I felt like jumping down to the ground now, ending the ordeal once and for all. Jacky’s hand was still clutching mine. Without warning, he embraced me, his body warming me up. He was shuddering along with me. I dropped my head onto his shoulder and whispered, “Two days later, my mother was crushed by a big lorry. She died on the spot.”

I Believe You

Chapter 3

I first met Landy in a “magical” way.My father died when I was twelve. My mum blamed me for his death. Since then, I learnt about life the bad way: I hung out with a group of hooligans who smoked at stairways and got their pocket money from stealing. I always felt a great sense of satisfaction whenever we successfully shoplifted a few items. One fateful day, we plotted to steal shoes again. Stealing shoes had always been a routine for us. Our targets were usually World of Sports, Royal Sporting House or Bata. Our plan had never failed before, until that day.Three of us entered Royal Sporting House, wearing stern expressions. We pretended to browse around the clothes section, then, as we progressed to the shoes section, we showed signs of excitement by saying “This is nice!” or “I wonder if they’ve got size six for this pair or not?” A sales assistant marched to us. He looked young, and we believed he was only a temp there. We smiled, knowing a temp was an easier target. “What size are you looking for, Mdm?”I always felt proud to be called “Mdm” at the age of thirteen. My friend, Maggie, replied indifferently, “Do you have size six for this?” She showed the sales assistant a particular design. It cost a hundred bucks. The sales assistant politely told us to wait and went off. Within the same minute, he came back with a pair. Maggie tried it on and it fitted her perfectly. However, she frowned and then looked up to the sales assistant with a seductive smile. “This feels too small. Do you have, like, size six and a quarter?” We all howled in laughter. The sales assistant looked amused. He put on his smile and said, “How about size seven?”“Will do!” Maggie chirped. “You go look for size seven. If there isn’t any I’ll take this one.” She began to trace the design of the shoe with her finger. The sales assistant hinted at her to take the shoe off but Maggie was totally immersed in appreciating the beauty of the shoe. Finally the sales assistant gave up and went off in search for size seven.In one smooth motion, I took out a Royal Sporting House plastic bag from my bag. Maggie took off the shoe and threw it into the box. We glanced around the busy shop. When we confirmed it was safe, we placed the shoebox into the plastic bag and I strolled out of the shop, feeling victorious. No one came forward to stop me. The alarm did not ring. After all, how could anyone steal a pair of shoes? They were all supposed to be stacked neatly in the storeroom. When I was out of the shop, I pictured Maggie and the sales assistant quarreling in my mind. Maggie would not lose; after all, customers are always right. I could only pity the poor sales assistant who must be wondering if he did place the size six shoes back in the storeroom. He might even consider quitting his job. While I was lost in my thoughts, someone tapped my shoulder. A pretty girl with shiny long hair smiled at me and said, “Put that pair of shoes down. They’re coming to get you.” I studied her. She looked a little older than me and had the kind of features that any teenager would envy. Her eyes were as round as her eyeballs and the dimples on her cheeks were deeply curved to perfection. “What the hell are you talking about?” I demanded. “Trust me. That sales assistant is the supervisor, not a temp. He has met all sorts of people. He’s coming for you. Drop it, or you’ll regret it forever!” I stared at her. She seemed to know everything. After an internal debate, I decided to trust her and threw the shoes into a rubbish bin. A few minutes later, to my surprise, the sales assistant, together with two security officers, came up and apprehended me. When they found nothing on me, they gave up and I let out a long sigh of relief. It was my closest encounter with a criminal record.After that dreadful incident, the girl showed up at my house. I had no idea how she obtained my address. We chatted a little. I later knew her to be Landy. As time went by, we became good friends. She was older than me by four years and was working full-time as a clerk. My mum died when I was fourteen and I cut off links with all my friends save Landy. Somehow or other, Landy stayed with me through thick and thin. Knowing that I disliked going out, she came to my house to chat with me instead. If there was only one blessing in my life, it was definitely having a friend like Landy.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It was so ironically hilarious when we realized our play lasted only five minutes if we suffered no NG. Our play was supposed to be “ten to fifteen” minutes long. “Look, I think we’ll have to rewrite the script.” Our so-called director, Delvin, suggested. He was one of our classmates with the most outstanding leadership qualities. “I’m open to all ideas.” We ransacked our minds and a few ideas were proposed but none of them seemed to work. Amid the mood of depression which had descended over the room, Jacky stood up and told us, “Trust Joanna and me. We’ll be able to prolong it with our acting. Won’t we, Joanna?”I sank deeper into my chair and pondered. What did he mean by that? He was smiling at me again. I felt my hair standing up. What was he thinking now? I bit my teeth, hoping that he would not suggest some outrageous proposal that would embarrass both of us. “It’ll be a lot more realistic if we act out the play without directly following the script. For example, if the audience laughs, we’ll extend the humorous scene. If the audience is crying, we’ll extend the sad scene. Of course, that would mean we’d have to add our own lines to the play. You understand?” After some brainstorming, they all agreed to that idea. I wanted so much to debate, to confess my disagreement, but upon seeing their exhausted faces, I consented. After we were dismissed, we all headed in different directions except Jacky and me. We stayed together as I wanted to confront him about the idea. “Why propose that stupid idea?” I probed.“For fun, Joanna! For fun! And for authenticity! Don’t you think the whole play will look a lot more realistic if we don’t follow a script? I mean-”“You won’t understand! I need to follow a script! I can’t… I can’t talk well. I… I’m afraid I will say the wrong thing and…” I choked on my words and halted. “Tell me what’s stopping you from opening your heart, Joanna. Please.” I was shaking softly. His warm hands embraced my shoulders and he lowered his voice. “Please tell me more about yourself. Why you’re keeping everything to yourself. Why you’re living in your own world. Please.” “Get away!” I pushed him off, my face burning red. After I had taken a few steps back, my cell phone rang. It was Landy. I rejected the call and turned back at Jacky. “You won’t be able to help me! No one can! No one!” “Let me help you, please! Believe me! You won’t fail if you keep trying!”“No! You can’t, you’ll never! I’m going to withdraw from that play, and you and your good friends can be Juliet!” “Joanna-” “I killed my father, my mother and many other people! I’m a murderer, a killer, a sinner!” I turned and dashed out of the hall. The moment I was outside the school, I raised my hand and a taxi stopped. I let out a soft moan of despair before I swung open the door and went off in search of respite.

I Believe You

Chapter 2

When I reached home that evening, Landy was lying on the sofa, crunching a packet of potato chips I had just brought a few days ago. “How’s your first day of school?” she asked. She had small eyes and a sharp nose to match her jaws. I had always believed that she is one of the most beautiful women in the world. In fact, for a long period of time, I had hoped I had the same countenance as her. I even desired to live her life: Carefree, with boys lining up to hold her hand. I told her everything about Jacky and the embarrassment that he had caused me. Landy is the only person that I can pour my sorrows to. She will often drop by my house for a chat. My grandmother always opens the door for her if I am not in. “So what, you’re going to avoid him for the next two years?” Landy said. “I bet he’s going to stick to you these two years.”“You know I can’t talk to him.” I muttered. “I can’t harm him.”“Makes sense.” Landy poured herself a cup of coffee and relaxed on the sofa. “Don’t you fall in love with him.”“I’ll never!” I retorted almost instantly. “I mean… I …”“Never is a very strong word. Remember your curse.” Landy reminded. “Remember. If you fall in love with him, you’ll harm him.”I lay beside her and memories of how my mother died flowed back without mercy. “I know…”We spent the next two hours trying to figure out how to stay away from Jacky. And two hours later, we slept on the sofa with no solutions in mind.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
There was no way for me to avoid Jacky completely.At classes, he would volunteer to sit beside me and I could not reject him. He would try very hard at starting a conversation but I would always hint him to shut up by giving him a silent glare. It often worked, but after a few minutes, he would be talking again.During lunch break, we would eat together. He always offered to help me to buy the drinks. I wanted to tell him off, to say that I preferred to eat alone, but when he returned with my favorite drink, I gave in and just ate my meal in silence, trying hard to keep my eyes off him. Rumours about us being an item surfaced after a few weeks. Jacky was especially concerned about disclaiming them. However, no one believed him. One day he even threatened to beat anyone who spread the rumours, and that was the first time I saw his trademark smile vanishing from his face. “Why do you get so angry when people say something about us?” I asked him that day. “I don’t wanna spoil your reputation. What if no one dares to woo you?” he answered matter-of-factly. “I don’t wanna destroy your future.”“Then why are you still sticking to me everyday?” I probed on.It took him a while to register the question. “I…” he smiled once more. “I wanna help you. To see you smile.” He turned away then whispered again, “To see your smile.” “Why?”“I want to do something meaningful while I can.” Ironically, I frowned and brought the conversation to a halt. I told Landy about what Jacky said to me that night, and we spent over three hours pondering on what he meant. And as usual, we managed to conclude nothing.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Four months had passed since we started school. I remembered that on a Tuesday morning, Mrs Goh, our Literature lecturer, suddenly declared, “Every year, we have a Drama competition organized by the Literature Club. Every class is encouraged to send a team forward. This competition, I believe, will help a lot in your Literature. So I’m going to get this entire class to join.” The students whispered protests but Mrs Goh insisted. “Every one of you will help out in creating a play.” Michael, one of the noisier guys, volunteered to be the scriptwriter. We spent the next fifteen minutes trying to find a suitable plot. In the end we settled for the final scene in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. It was the scene where Romeo would drink the poison and Juliet wake up to find a dead Romeo. However, there would be an interesting twist to it. They would speak in “Singlish” to add a Singaporean touch. And Juliet would drink the poison instead. We reckoned that would add points to our play.“Okay, who’s good at acting here?” Mrs Goh glanced around the class. I was toying with my fingers, not concentrating on the discussion. “Let’s find a Juliet first… hmm, whose name starts with ‘J’?” “Me!” Jacky raised up his hand in ecstasy. “Me, me!” That idiot. “You wanna be Juliet?” Mrs Goh mocked and the class erupted into laughter. “We need a girl, Jacky. It’s supposed to be a sad scene, not a funny scene where a macho guy acts as Juliet.”Jacky giggled and announced, “Okay, I volunteer to be Romeo then.” Sighs of relief washed past several male students. “But I have a request.” “Which is?” I looked up at Jacky. He was staring at my eyes. Oh, shit. I did not like that look. “I want Joanna to be Juliet. J for Joanna.” The whole class cheered as if Andy Lau had just sang a song.That guy just would not let me study in peace, would he?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We had our first rehearsal in the school hall a few days later. It was unlike the normal tragic ending in Romeo and Juliet. We had to add in “leh”s, “lah”s and “oei”s into the dialogue to make it sound more Singlish. I wondered if it would reverse the scene from tragedy to humour.“No… cannot be… you cannot die one…” I cried without tears. Jacky lay on the floor with his eyes closed. His lips were trembling, threatening to laugh any moment. “If you die, I also die then!” He could control it no longer. He chuckled out loud, infecting the entire hall with laughter as well.And I always frowned when they laughed because it would prolong the rehearsal. Every time there was a rehearsal scheduled after school, I would think of numerous excuses to skip it, but in the end I would still attend the rehearsal.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When I told Landy about my role as Juliet in the play, she laughed for fifteen minutes. “You, Juliet? Juliet!”I had not expected my best friend to react in that way. Actually, I was hoping for some understanding from her. I kept quiet and when she sensed my displeasure, she lowered her voice and said, “You don’t like it?”“I don’t like it.” I answered. “I don’t like talking.”“Are you going to ‘curse’ anyone in the script?”“No. I’ll be following the script. No worries.”“Then it shall be fine.” Landy replied. “You will enjoy yourself. After all, Jacky is Romeo. It will create a romantic-”“Landy!” I cut her. “Don’t start!”My grandmother came out of her room and stared at both of us with her eyebrows lowered. She was three-quarters blind. She hobbled towards the kitchen with the help of her walking stick and muttered, “Is that Landy?” she did not wait for Landy to answer. “It’s late. Landy, don’t you have to work tomorrow?”“Tomorrow is my day off, granny. I’m going to have a nice, long chat with Joan-, I mean, Juliet!” Landy exclaimed and we broke into a string of laughter. I helped my grandmother to the toilet and then back to her room. When we were alone once more, Landy persisted, “That Jacky seems to be interested in you, Joanna.”“Don’t give a damn. I will never like him, period.” “Let’s try to analyze what he meant when he said he wanted to help you.”With that, our girls’ talk lasted for more than three hours before we slept. And yes, you’ve guessed it; we did not come to any conclusions.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We were supposed to get a theme song for our play.Almost everyone had his or her own views. Some preferred love songs whereas others preferred classics. A few of us even thought that including a song in the play was a bad idea. After an intense discussion, we decided to browse through HMV at The Heeren to see if we could find a suitable song.When we reached the place, everyone else rushed into HMV as if they were children at Toys’R’Us. I sat at the edge of a fountain outside HMV. To my surprise, Jacky did not go in as well. He sat beside me and grinned. “Not going in?” I shook my head. The loud music inside the store always gave me headaches.“Well, me too. Bad for the ears.” He said, slapping his ears. Then he laughed at his own joke. “Well then, I’ve dug out another secret of yours. Secret number ninety-one of Joanna Fung: She does not like music stores. It’s the same secret as mine. I don’t like music stores as well.” “Good for you.” “Then how did you get your music CDs?” “Through a friend.” Notice the friend was singular. I have only one friend and her name is Landy. “Okay, great, secret number ninety-two of Joanna Fung: She does have friends outside Junior College! That’s good! That’s very good! That’s damn really freaking good!”“It’s not funny.” I mumbled and darted my eyes up. “I’m going up to the Adidas Shop to have a look.” “Count me in.” We went up and browsed for about ten minutes then met up with our classmates. They had all decided on a theme song. It was Only Love by Trademark. Jacky and I both agreed on that as well.We all went back to school that evening for another round of rehearsal. The play was due in three months’ time. For the first time, we did the entire play without an N.G. The song was played first, and then it faded out as I entered the scene to witness an unconscious Jacky on the floor. I walked slowly towards him and sat beside him, my tears dripping (the magical eye drops).“Romeo… no… cannot be… you cannot die one…” I pressed my head to his chest and I could hear his heart beating. “You promise me so many things… so many things! You must not die… open your eyes leh…” I tightened my grip and then yelled aloud, “No!”The song played again for a while. When it faded away, I held up the cup of poison beside me and said, “What for I live when you die already…? If you die, I also die then!” Then I gulped down the ‘poison’ (it was chestnut water) and within the same second, I shook my head gently and lost my balance.The chorus of the song played for a minute or so, loudly. Behind my closed eyes, I could feel Jacky moving a little, and then his voice came. “Juliet? Juliet! Juliet?!” He must have found out about the poison when he groaned, “No, Juliet…” I knew he had stabbed himself when he slumped onto my back.Now I knew why he volunteered to be Romeo. He only needed to memorize two words and got to lie on a pretty girl’s back. Smart guy.

I Believe You

Chapter 1
I had never expected my first day of school to be so interesting. It would take at least an hour for the bus to arrive at my new school, National Junior College. I had brought along only a small bag that contained a few pieces of blank paper, a pencil case and a Discman. I presumed the teachers would not teach us anything on the first day of school. After all, they claimed that today was supposed to be an “Orientation Day”. I was really not looking forward to it. In fact, I dreaded it. I managed to find a seat in the crowded bus. Most of the passengers were students in their tucked-out uniforms. When the bus started moving, I closed my eyes, ready to sleep through the hour-odd ride that would take me all the way from Boon Lay to Bukit Timah.“Hey, hello!” someone in the standing crowd yelled. I woke up from my dazed dreams and looked up. A guy standing near the entrance smiled at me. He was wearing the same uniform as mine. “Hello!” he yelled again. Almost all the passengers looked at me. The bus was at Bukit Batok road, which meant it was still pretty far from National Junior College. On closer scrutiny, I realized it was Jacky Wu, one of my secondary schoolmates. I did not reply. Instead, I searched for my Discman, acting as if I did not hear him.“Hello to the girl searching for something in her bag!” Jacky shouted again. This time, a few passengers giggled. I kept my head low and finally found my Discman. Without hesitation, I capped the earphones onto my ears. “Hello to the girl listening to a Discman!” he continued. I pressed the ‘play’ key continuously but no sound came out from the earphones. “Hello to the girl wearing the same uniform as me!” he pressed on. The batteries must have run out of juice. Not now! “Hello to the girl wearing glasses! Hello! Hello! Hello!” Almost all the passengers were waiting for me to acknowledge Jacky.“Hello to Joanna!” He finally said my name. I knew there was only one way to shut him up and put an end to my embarrassment. I smiled at him. He seemed pleased and never said anything anymore.The bumpy journey went on for another thirty minutes. He alighted at the same stop as me, but I was quick enough to evade him and dashed to the main gate of the school as fast as I could.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I did not know Jacky that well. In fact, we had only held one conversation when we were in secondary school, and it lasted for less than three minutes. We were never in the same class.Jacky was one of the popular guys in school. He is handsome and can crack jokes really well. Many girls drooled over him, but the rumour was that he did not have a steady girlfriend. One day, when we were in Secondary Three, Jacky was invited on stage to crack a joke during an assembly period. If he could get everyone to laugh, he would win a prize. He thought for a while before he said, “There was once a …” I was not listening to him. I was totally lost in my own thoughts. When he finished his joke, there was a long period of silence. Suddenly the hall exploded into ripples of laughter. My classmates around me laughed like mad people. Even the teachers laughed out loud. I frowned, unable to fathom what kind of joke could set everyone laughing so insanely.When the laughter subsided, a teacher was about to pass Jacky a prize when he declined to take it. “Someone didn’t laugh.” He announced. For no logical reason, the audience laughed again. He pointed to my direction and proclaimed, “That girl didn’t laugh.” I glanced around me, hoping he was not referring to me.“Which girl?” the teacher asked, looking around.“That girl with the glasses and long hair.”The teacher scrutinized all the students in my direction. “You mean the girl with tied up hair?”“Yeah, that’s the one. She never laughs!”I clenched my hand into a fist. How can a big guy like him be so petty?“Joanna!” the teacher said. “You didn’t laugh?”I kept quiet. To have my name called out in an assembly did not feel good. “Joanna, can you please wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke?” Jacky uttered and some people giggled loudly. “I beg you.”My classmates urged me to stand up. Feeling the pressure and the lack of time to think of anything else, I stood up and said sarcastically, “Ha, ha, ha.” Then I sat down and buried my head under my hands.Everyone laughed out loud at my scornful remarks. I promised never to forgive that Jacky Wu for embarrassing me in front of three hundred people.After school that day, he came forward and apologized. “Hey, I’m sorry about just now. Was just trying to create some comical effects. I hope you’re not offended?”I shook my head.“Jacky Wu.” He introduced himself.“I know. The famous and arrogant Jacky Wu.” I had not expected myself to say that. “Joanna. Joanna Fung.”“I never expected myself to be arrogant. But famous? I agree on that.” He beamed. “Are you always so introverted and… unfriendly?”“Unfriendly?” I glared at him. “I never expected myself to be unfriendly, Jacky.” I walked off quickly, not wanting to continue the conversation. “But you’ve got like… no friends at all!” I did hear his reply, but I acted as if I did not hear it. I continued to walk off. In fact, what he said was true. I had classmates but I had like… no friends at all. Except for one. Just one.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Actually, there was no way for me to completely avoid Jacky in National Junior College. He was everywhere. I had tried all means to avoid him but my efforts were futile. “Hey, Joanna. What a coincidence! We’re going to be schoolmates for the next two years as well!”“Yeah.” I replied.“What class are you in?”“03A20”“Oh my gosh!” he covered his mouth and jumped around like a madman. “We’re in the same class! Can you believe it!? Jacky and Joanna in the same class! How cool is that?” He sounded really mad. I was imagining how a monkey would blend into my class. The bell rang soon after that. We strolled towards the hall and searched for our class number. He offered to sit beside me. I glared at him but he just smiled. I had no reason to reject him therefore I agreed to it.Firstly the principal spoke to us on the history of the school, then several departmental heads of the school took turns to tell us more about the school. We were, by then, trying hard to keep our eyes open. When they were done, we sang the school’s song with the lyrics in front of us.“Okay, as you all know, we’re going to have an orientation program for these first few days…” a teacher announced. “It’s going to be fun.” Jacky whispered to me. “I’ve got a friend in J2. He told me it’s gonna be very exciting.” When I heard what he said, I regretted not skipping school today. We were led to the field class by class just like in primary school. Jacky kept on telling me how excited he was.“Junior College life is going to be one of the best!” he blurted on. “You’re going to enjoy it, it’s unlike secondary school! There’re more freedom, homework are called tutorials, the teachers are called-”“Sorry, Jacky…” I turned to him. “Would you please… shut up?” He just laughed it off and talked to other people, not feeling offended. But I felt something. I went to the toilet after that to wash off my tears. I had just asked Jacky to shut up. I had just scolded Jacky.I had just cursed Jacky. Oh, damn it. What the hell had I done? I should just shut up.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The objective of the first game we played was to remember each other’s name. Water balloons were thrown at students who forgot others’ names. After an hour, we were able to remember the name of every classmate. The next game was played with the aim of “recognizing voices”.The boys and girls were separated. A curtain partitioned them, and when a girl spoke, the boys had to guess who the girl was. After a few rounds, I was chosen to say something for the boys to guess.“Come on, say something! A joke, or something like that!” the seniors urged me.I did not know what to say, so I just muttered, “Ha, ha, ha.”Almost instantly, I heard Jacky’s voice on the other side. “It’s Joanna! Joanna Fung, that thin girl!”Ah, that bastard.

Angels do exist. But not all of them have wings. They are called FRIENDS.

A good deal of our unhappiness as we grow older is caused by our pining for the "good old days" ---- those times when we enjoyed health, wealth, position, or power. But the things of this world don't last. They are vacillating, changeable, capricious. In time, they may be taken away from us and replaced with poverty, isolation, weakness, and pain. When we realise that this world and everything in it is unstable and unpredictable, we are left longing for something that lasts. What is left?

I miss all my friends. Suddenly, i've lost many friends to the army and i've lost contact with many others. There's no one to play with me anymore. I'm losing the life that was once mine. Work is taking up too much time. I haven't been exactly excited about work. Maybe because I'm used to partying outside all day long. A party animal, maybe? No longer.

I just had this thought. Army => University => Work

I haven't had enough fun. I haven't been able to go out on outings with friends i was once so close to. I feel so detached from TauHuay™ gang. I feel so bad rejecting Elroy time & again when i always want to be there but can't because of work. I no longer feel as close to the NPCC gang as well. The last get-together was at my house.. A memorable bbq & movie marathon. But Roy & Jun Wei are now in the army. These groups of friends are really the best i've known. It's really hard filling this void now. It's too late. I have to see out the remaining of my contract. There's just no turning back. I wish for Chinese New Year to come soon so i can have their company once more. Just like old times. FAMILY.

Life is mundane. Quit fooling around & be serious in my work? Bu yao......

Work has been tough on me. My customers are not helping. Many Singaporeans can be so unreasonable. Despite trying so hard to serve them well, they just pick on the slightest thing. I'm tired. Period.

Happy b'dae sis~! 20 years old now. Don't be so childish already yeah? Hahaha...

Today's my off day. :)

I now understand why it is important to find a job which one finds comfort in & which one enjoys.

Working as a customer service officer isn't so easy after all. Or so it seems. Two days of answering calls & i'm already wondering if i can get through 2 months of this. I hope it gets better. Nonetheless, i've been giving my all. It's fun relating to those really friendly customers but having to repeat the same things to all the customers is what's making my job uninteresting.

Nice customers. Nasty customers. I've handled them all. I just hope i get compliments & not complaints!

I need a source of motivation.

I feel the blues again.

Just hit the gym. Haven't exercised in a very long time. Got tired after only a few sets of work-out. I need more conditioning.

Dinner time!

Dinner & Dance '06

These pics should have been up much earlier but anyway, here they are!

I juz realised something. My jersey number as well as my lucky number is the same as Henrik Larsson's. *17*. Woow. Respect! :)

Friday. Saturday. Late nights.

There was nothing much to do at work on friday. Just sat around, shared anecdotes with colleagues, and took lotsa pics with them. Haha. We won't be able to do all these starting tomorrow though, 'cos we're officially on board & will start answering calls. My schedule's out & i've gotta work on saturdays & sundays. Long working hours. I'll be real busy. Working on sunday also means that i won't be able to attend church service. I'm backsliding... i'm not as close to God as i would like to be. Argh.

Friday night. Went to Jasmine's house. Watched HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL, one of my favourite movies. The songs are nice. Played Truth Or Dare and found out some interesting truths about my colleagues. Haha. And then there's Joshua who keeps coming up with dirty questions! Lols.. lucky for me, i din have to answer any questions, if not he would have put me in a spot! After that, we played Indian Poker (issit?). Haha.. nothing racist here. Anyway, thanks a million for your hospitality, Jasmine. :)

Saturday. Worked as a server for some dinner event at a church. It was an eventful day. Met a lotta guys from Nepal. They've got a strong accent, so i couldn't really catch what they were saying. Haha. We were supposed to fill the big containers with coffee but ended up making for ourselves. Haha. During the dinner, i was to serve 2 tables right at a corner, so the food always came to that tables last. Then this guy kept saying to me,"Boy, can u go get us our food?" Lols. I thought the service was poor. The organisation was ok but the food was served much too slow. And the goodness of the food? I shan't comment. Hehe.

My Work Life

I should be at work at this time. Woke up feeling not too good, so i decided to take a little break from work. But i'll need an MC if i don turn up for work, so i guess i'll be reporting for work after lunch.

Haven't been taking good care of myself. Haven't been eating well. Haven't been sleeping well.

Anyway, my work experience has been great so far. I kinda like the working world. My experience has been further enriched by my colleagues who are really nice people. Most of them are about my age so we can really relate to one another. 3 months of working with them would be great.

Thanks for cheering me up at work whenever i was down. Thanks a million for listening to my problems. & thank you guys for being so caring when i'm ill. I really enjoy working with u guys.

I'm going to work now to see u guys! :)

A New Beginning

A new year.

A new life.

A new blog.

Credit to Jason fer starting this blog fer me. :) I figured it'd be nice to pen my thoughts & remember the little little events in my life.

Goodbye 2006. Welcome 2007. Resolutions? Well, i'll be enlisted into the army in april & i hope to be really successful in there. Met up wif a classmate who's been in there fer a week already & he told me to fatten up cos the equipment in there is real heavy, so i guess i'll hafta eat eat eat till april! Hee.. another fren told me that his fren shouted," Pikachu, i choose u!" while throwing a grenade & ended up in detention. Haha.. lols.. anyway, i hope to join the airforce/navy in the army but it'd be difficult to be a pilot cos oni a few will be selected. I've always wanted to be a pilot cos i wanna travel the world & see places so i was thinking it'd be easier to be a pilot in the commercial airlines in future if i manage to be a pilot in the airforce. Yupp.

Never mind the pilot dream fer now. I'm kinda interested in taking up law or going into mass communications in university. 2007. The year i receive my A levels results. I really really hope fer 2 straight As & a B3 fer GP. That way, i'd have quite a few options. Mebbe i'll be a lawyer, mebbe a news broadcaster, mebbe a customer service officer. Haha.. wadeva it is, i hope to do my parents proud.

I hope this year will be a super year fer me, as well as everyone else out there. I'm really starting to realise how shiok being youthful is. Haha.. i wanna start treasuring my youth before it's too late. I've been working though & i haven't been able to hang out wif my frens as often as i'd have liked.

I've been feeling empty at times too. I dunno where i stand in your heart. If oni i knew.....

If i got down on my knees & i pleaded wif you,
If i crossed a million oceans
juz to be wif you,
If i climbed
the highest mountain juz to hold you tight,
If i said that i would love you every single night,
Would u ever let me
down?