I Believe You

Chapter 10

“She knows how to get here?” Jacky asked me for the fifth time.

“Yes.” I answered impatiently. We were at the waiting area of the Child’s Guidance Clinic, waiting for Landy. Jacky and I had come down directly after school. Landy had said she would apply for leave today just for this appointment.

The lift opened and finally Landy came out. She was wearing a small tee-shirt and jeans. “Landy, this is Jacky.” I said. Jacky’s eyes were wide open, looking at the area behind Landy. Landy smiled broadly and extended her hand.

“Hi, Jacky. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Landy said, obviously trying to tease me.

Jacky was still looking stunned, as if Landy was some superstar. His eyes did not meet Landy’s. Instead, he kept on staring at me, then at the wall behind Landy. “Oh, Landy.” He shook his head for a while. Landy’s hand was still extended. “Oh, Landy, Landy. Hi, Landy” he said, waving his hand instead. Then he massaged his forehead for a while.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing.” Jacky waved off his hand. “Just another headache. Landy’s too beautiful, she’s giving me a headache.”

Landy laughed and we went to the waiting area. Dr Ong came out shortly, inspecting Jacky. Landy greeted Dr Ong but he was too intent on studying Jacky.

“Dr. Ong, this is Jacky.” I pointed at Jacky, then at Landy. “And this is Landy.”

Dr Ong turned and looked at Landy for a while, then said, “Alright, Landy, can you follow me to the room?”

Jacky crossed his leg, looking uncomfortable. He seemed to be grinding his own teeth. I patted him on the shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. Dr Ong is a nice guy.”

But still, Jacky stayed silent. I had never seen him so quiet before. However, there was nothing I could do so we just sat staring at into space. A few minutes later, Dr. Ong came out alone.

“Mr. Wu?” Dr Ong called Jacky. He extended his hand and this time, Jacky shook it. “Come this way please. Joanna, you stay here for a while, alright? I need to talk to them alone.”

I nodded.

I killed my time by drinking water from the water cooler. About half an hour later, I was summoned into the room. Landy had left, leaving Jacky alone in the room. Strangely, I had not seen her walking out. But she had sent a SMS, explaining that she had something on. So I was left alone with Jacky and Dr Ong. What an odd social cocktail.

“Jacky, you may go out now.”

I nearly laughed. Just when I thought things were going to be exciting, Jacky was sent out. In any case I felt more comfortable with Dr Ong alone.

“I’ll assign another therapist for you.” Dr Ong said.

“I cursed the pervious one. Told him that he’d break his hand. He asked for it. That’s why he’s on long term MC.”

“He had malaria, Joanna. He didn’t break his hand.”

I said nothing, knowing that he must be lying to make me feel better. Doctors always lie, don’t they?

“It’s true. Anyway, I’ve decided to increase the dosage of your anti-depressants. Don’t keep yourself hungry. Have some carbohydrates, like rice or noodles when you’re hungry. It’ll make you feel better. Don’t let your stomach yell for food.”

“Whatever.”

“I’ll call you again after I’ve found another therapist.”

I was desperate to get out of the room suddenly. To meet Jacky, perhaps. After Dr Ong had given me the prescriptions, I dashed out and as I predicted, Jacky was relaxing on the sofa, reading one of the parenting magazines. But he was not smiling. That was not normal. In fact, that was very abnormal.

He wanted to take a taxi. After much negotiation, I agreed to it. His stern expression somehow made me weak, as if I had to give in to his every request.

When we were inside the taxi, Jacky said “West Coast Park.”

I disagreed, but he said nothing. And when he said nothing, it meant something was very wrong. So I went with him.

Oh, gosh, where the hell is Landy when I most need her?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We took a long walk along the beach, glancing out at the sea.

The sun had just set, leaving a breathtaking image on the horizon. The currents of the sea slowly devoured the yellow light at the horizon. The tide was high, constantly threatening to push her tip to our feet.

We chatted as we walked. Jacky told me more about his childhood and his mother. He said that he felt compelled to help others when he was young due to his father’s death. His father was his hero. I, having nothing to say about any hero, just told him more about Landy. I was about to mention one of Landy’s less desirable habits when he suddenly interrupted.

“Can I hold your hand?” he said.

I wanted to smile, to jump around in ecstasy and hug him tight, and then kiss him and tell him how delighted I am. However, I did none of the above. I balled my hand into a fist and snorted, “I only allow my boyfriend to hold my hand.”

“Can I hold your hand?”

I looked away from him, trying to find something to say. “You can’t be my boyfriend. You said that before. You’ve got your… reasons.”

“Can I hold your hand?”

Now I really felt like punching him. “No. Because only lovers hold hands. And we are not lovers.” Not yet.

“Can I hold your hand?”

“I am not your girlfriend. I cannot be, because I have this curse, and you’ve got your own reasons.”

“Can I hold your hand?

“Only if you’re my boyfriend and I’m your girlfriend, then we can.”

“Can I hold your hand?”

“Remember what you once said?” I bit my lips. I was staring at the ground, my heart beating a lot faster. My body seemed to jerk and I was blinking a lot faster than normal. “If we hold hands, your reputation will be spoilt. I don’t want to do that.”

“Can I… hold your hand?” he repeated, this time weaker.

I continued walking. This was getting nowhere. I turned to him, ready to scold him aloud when I stopped in my tracks.

His eyes were red, and a few drops of tears were rolling off his eyes. He was breathing deeply. For the first time since I had known him, the tough and jovial Jacky was crying in front of me.

And he did not hold my hand. Instead, I held his and wiped off his tears. And as my blinking glistened back to normalcy, tears rolled out of my eyes as well and I jerked harder.

We were like two scared, crying school kids who were lost. But when I felt his hand on mine, I felt no fear.

Only warmth.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We locked hands till we reached my house. Throughout the journey, we were silent, as if words had suddenly vanished from our mind. But when we reached my void deck, he released my hand and said, “Joanna, I’m always here. I’m always here, if you ever need me. Here.” He pointed to his heart.

This time, I could no longer resist the urge to hug him. I wrapped my arms around him. The tough introvert Joanna was crying for the second time within a span of an hour. “Thanks” that was all I could manage to say.

Jacky released me gently and took tissue paper to wipe off my tears. “Remember this. If you ever need me and I’m not around, just wait for me. Because I’ll always be here.”

I nodded.

“I am just like the sun and you the flower. I’ll provide sunlight for you to blossom. Sometimes, clouds will prevent me from reaching you. But you’ll know that I’m always trying to reach you. Just wait for the clouds to clear if you can’t receive my sunlight.”

I nodded. If he kept on talking, I could flood the void deck with my tears.

“Remember: To be happy, you either change the world, or you change your thinking. To be realistic, you have to change your thinking to be happy. But me, I will change the world for you.”

I said nothing because my mouth had been choked with my sobbing.

Gosh oh gosh. Don’t wake me up. Please, let time reach a standstill now. Right now. Gosh.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Landy was munching biscuits on the sofa when I reached home. When she saw my reddened eyes, we started our girls’ talk again.

And finally I admitted my true feelings to her.

“I’ve fallen in love with a guy. And his name is Jacky Wu Zhong Xian. But I don’t know if he likes me or not.” I said. I was lying on the sofa, still wearing my uniform. I did not feel like bathing all of a sudden, as if the water would wash away Jacky’s smell.

“Of course he likes you! I mean, he held your hand, he said all those… mushy yet romantic things. Don’t tell me he says that to every girl.” Landy was saying. Strange. I had not told her what had happened yet she seemed to know everything.

Although she made sense, I still could not forget what happened that night. “But that day, he said that I could not be his girlfriend.”

She sighed. “Guys. Maybe he wasn’t ready that day. Now that he is ready, what are you waiting for?”

What am I waiting for?

Joshua (to my supervisor): Will there be double pay if we work on CNY day 1? (in hokkien)

Supervisor: No. (in hokkien)

Joshua: Don't have ah. I don't want to work then. (in hokkien)

Joshua (to me): Shawny shawny.. CNY day 1 no double pay.

Me: Huh.. then i don't wanna work.

Me (to my supervisor): Hello! I don't want to work on CNY day 1.

Supervisor (to Joshua): Wa lau. You don't want work then you ask people don't work also. (in hokkien)

Joshua & me: CNY day 1 is supposed to be our rest day. Initially, we chose to work because we thought that we would be paid double. No double pay we don't wanna work.

Supervisor: Wa lau. No double pay then don't work. (in hokkien)

Hahaha. Our supervisor must think of us as really practical. Anyway, i worked on CNY days 2 & 3. There was double pay! & there really wasn't much to do at work. Not many calls. In fact, i answered only 1 call the entire day (CNY day 2)! Real easy money. It almost seemed like i was paid to chat online, watch anime & have a mini picnic a work. Shiok!

I figured i could do with some extra cash & so i worked on CNY days 2 & 3 instead of going visiting. Red packets + fat pay = rich. Haha. It's so not that i hate my relatives. For my family, we do most of our visiting on CNY day 1. This yr, all my relatives on my mum's side came to my house. Before that, we went to visit my relatives on my dad's side. There weren't many places left to visit & so i went to work on the 2nd & 3rd days of CNY. Still, i found some time to visit my friends & colleagues.

Yesterday was truly an eventful day for me. Dined at Carnivore, Vivo City together with 2 of my colleagues, alvin & joshua. Buffet style. As suggested by the name of the restaurant, the place is known for it's meat, cooked Brazilian style. The meat there is great-tasting but i'd have liked a greater variety of meat. The buffet hours are from 11.30a.m - 3p.m. We lasted 3 hours (11.30a.m - 2.30p.m) & at the end of the eating session, we were sick of meat. Seriously.

Norbit almost made me puke out the contents of my buffet lunch. Haha i'm exaggerating. The movie was okay. I wanted to watch Just Follow Law but joshua caught that one already.

Beer drinking session at Brewerkz followed. The 3 of us had a very (x100) good night out. We drank a hell lot of beer & talked a lot. Beer can really make one pour out one's problems. We drank really fast at 1st & got 'high' real quickly. It was great fun laughing together. Fun it was, but i suffered from the ill effects of excessive drinking at a fast rate.

Why i should never get drunk again:

1. I'll be unaware of the things going on around me & will utter nonsense
2. I'll need someone to send me home
3. I'll feel nauseous & have the urge to vomit on the cab home
4. I'll struggle to keep my vomit in & upon stepping out of the vehicle, i'll vomit instantly
5. I'll leave my sis stupefied.
6. I'll be unable to sleep well as i'll experience a terrible feeling in my stomach
7. I'll stick my fingers into my throat to make myself vomit
8. I'll get a hangover

Last week was a blast.

Spent pretty much the whole weekend catching up with lotsa good friends. Successive nights of dinner with people i was once so close to. It was especially great to see roy & shi hui again after so long. Hadn't seen roy since he got enlisted into the army & shi hui had been MIA for 1 year. Heard a fair bit about roy's army experience from the man himself. And yes, he doesn't have much hair now. Haha. Guys' day out as roy, malcolm, edwin & i splurged on clothes. Who says guys can't engage in self-indulgence? We like to dress with panache!

Later, it was dinner with the above mentioned people & add eric & penuel into the picture. Spent a lotta time at the arcade. I love the basketball machine. I can really go at it round after round. Wish i had a game machine like that at home.

Sunday was a time of gathering for the npcc peeps. Dined at Riverside Indonesian Restaurant. I'd give 3.5/5 ratings for the food. Hehe. Here are a few interesting pics we took.

I Believe You
Chapter 9

Sometimes, I thought, strange things happen. For the past few years after my mum’s demise, I had not celebrated my birthday. I would spend the day daydreaming or watching television. Landy does know when my birthday is, but strangely, she never once made an effort to celebrate it with me. However, this year, it was special. I had gone to school as usual, absorbed in the lecturer’s droning voice and immersed in the countless tutorials. When school ended though, Jacky came forward. He was half smiling and not looking into my eyes. This was the first time I saw embarrassment in his expression. “Hi, Joanna, well…” he zipped opened his bag and took out a wrapped box. It was rather small and the wrapping was done exquisitely. A red ribbon was tied on top. “Happy Birthday.” He said, and with two hands, passed me the box.I took a step back, inspected the box and then eyed him. A long period of silence went by. Jacky’s head was still hanging low. After a few seconds, he bit his teeth and whispered, “Take it, quick! I’m going to pee if you don’t take it!” Finally I took the present. “Thanks.” I said. It was very light and the box was hard. It had to be plastic. “I’ve got to go.” He said and went off, leaving me alone with the box. “I’m not embarrassed! I’m really not embarrassed! I just need to pee! Just, just wear it everyday!” he yelled as he was far away from me.I went home and with Landy, we opened the present. It was a branded watch. From then on, I wore the watch almost every time I went out. It had become part of my life. That silly guy. What’s there to be embarrassed about?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Jacky accompanied me when I went for my next appointment with Dr. Ong. “How was the therapy with Mr. Kam?” Dr. Ong asked. “I cursed him.” Dr. Ong did not seem worried. He wrote something on his file. “Good for you. Okay, I remember you once said you’ve got a best friend called Landy who is immune to your curse?” I nodded. “Can you get her to meet me next time?” “I don’t think there’s a need-” “Doctor’s order. It will help, a lot. Alright?” Reluctantly, I nodded. When I told Jacky about it, he said he was eager about meeting Landy as well. And I felt something. Like a little anger directed at Landy.Was that feeling… jealousy?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When more strange things happened, I knew somehow or other that my life had changed. On one of those days, I woke up very early in the morning. Having nothing to do, I took out almost every scrap of food in the refrigerator. Then I took wholemeal bread and began to make a sandwich with all the trimmings. I completed my ten-centimetre-high sandwich after fifteen minutes and packed it into a plastic bag. At lunch break that day, after Jacky and I had finished our meals, I passed him the sandwich. “You made it?” I nodded, not looking at him. But I was curious to see what his expression was, so I stole a quick look at him, and my eyes never left his then. His eyes were red. He was munching on the sandwich as if it was some expensive food from a classy restaurant. He then folded the plastic bag into a nice shape and kept looking at me. “Is it nice?” I asked. “Too nice.” He said, and suddenly I could hear his breathing. He was blinking a lot faster, as if to combat any tears. “Too nice.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“You made a sandwich for him? But you’re such a lousy cook! I mean, two months ago, you tried cooking instant noodles with egg and you didn’t even bother to crack open the egg. Wait a moment.” Landy said, leaning forward to me. I could not tell whether she was serious or not. “Did you actually use bread to make the sandwich? Or did you use sand instead?” I pushed her away and I laughed. It felt so good to laugh. “Bread. And yeah, by the way, Dr. Ong wanted to see you.” “Me?” Landy crossed and uncrossed her legs a few times. “Why me?” “I don’t know. You’re my best friend. My only friend. Maybe that’s why.” “Can I… not go?” “Come on, go. You’ll be able to see Jacky.” “Arh. Jacky here, Jacky there.” Landy said, stuffing her mouth with a few Mentos sweets. “Alright then, I’ll go for you. Tell me, is that… Dr. Ong handsome? Is he married?” “He’s single and available. He has a body of steel and a nuclear-powered mind. But be careful: He’s spent his campus life learning how to read people’s minds. You won’t wanna play with his heart.” “I love challenges.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I was having my breakfast that day in school with Jacky beside me when my phone rang. Glancing around to make sure no lecturers were around, I took out my phone. It was an unknown number. It was a nurse from Child’s Guidance Clinic. After confirming my identity, she said, “You’ve got an appointment with Mr. Kam this afternoon, right?”“Yes.” I said, and looked at Jacky. He had stopped chewing and was darting his eyes at me. Mr. Kam was the therapist I had cursed not too long ago.“Mr. Kam is on long term M.C. He’ll be back next month. I’ve checked with Dr.Ong, your doctor. He said he’d get another therapist for you. You have an appointment with Dr. Ong tomorrow, right? He’ll brief you on that.”I nodded at the phone. I had been expecting this. Jacky’s mouth was wide open, trying to read something from my expression. I must be frowning. “And yes, Dr. Ong reminded you to bring your friends along.” “Friends?” I asked. I thought it was just Landy? “Yes, that’ll be… Miss Landy and Mr. Jacky.” Oh. Jacky is just a friend. “I will. Will do. Thanks.” After I had told Jacky everything, he shrugged and then smiled. “Dr. Kam must have a very high fever.” “He broke his arm.” “The nurse said that?” “No, I didn’t ask-” “Then let’s just presume he had a very very high fever, alright?” Jacky agrued. “Please, Joanna. Mr. Kam had a very high fever. Come on, repeat after me. Mr. Kam had a very high-” “-fever.” I said, feeling like a primary school child. “No, you must read after me. Mr. Kam had a very high fever. Come on.” “Mr. Kam had a very high fever.” I said. Then I realized something.When I was with Jacky, I felt like a child in a nursery. And he, he was not the teacher, nor the fellow children. He was the big brother who always stood outside the window, smiling, encouraging and giving me tips. And throughout the whole day, I would be staring at the window, wondering when I would be able to be with him again. Oh shit. What am I thinking?

I Believe You

Chapter 8

I inspected the waiting area. The lighting was bright. There were many sofas along with some tables, all neatly placed, and a few stacks of magazines were resting on the tables. I stole a quick look at them. Most of them were parenting magazines.Jacky came forward with two cups of plain water. A few parents were with their young children (most of them below five years old). “It’s so empty here.” I whispered, taking a sip of the water. If I had spoken freely, my voice would have carried throughout the entire waiting area. “No worries.” Jacky patted my shoulder. The nurses at the counter were chatting with each other. A few doctors in their white coats walked in and out of their rooms, holding folders in their hand. I wondered which of them I would be allocated to. The nurse had said “Dr. Ong”. “Joanna Fung?” I glanced up. Out of nowhere, a tall young man was standing in front of me. He was wearing his doctor’s coat and looked like a decent chap, with his thick glasses and neat hairstyle. I stood up instantly and offered my hand for a handshake. “Come with me, will you?” he smiled. I turned and looked at Jacky. He was winking at me, and then relaxed on the sofa.I was led into Room 15, with the tag “Dr. Ong Kim Leng” on the door. The room had a sofa, a table strewn with toys, a big whiteboard and a desk with a computer. Dr. Ong sat on a chair and motioned for me to sit down. I looked around and realized that I should sit on the sofa. Never before had I sat on a sofa when I went to see a doctor. “Alright, Joanna, seventeen years old. Junior College student. National Junior College. Not bad.” He rolled his chair in front of me and pulled out a file with a pen. “Now, it’s only you and me. Just you, Joanna Fung, and me, Dr. Ong.” I nodded. “So whatever we say here, no one else is going to know. Alright? So we have a pact.” I nodded again, this time nervous. “I just want to let you know that coming here is the right choice. You know something is wrong, and you’re admitting it. Finally.” I did not wish to nod, but still, I did. He was very nagging. “Alright then, let’s not waste each other’s time. So, come on, tell me what’s bothering you.” Finally I got to talk. I told him everything that I had told Jacky about: The “curse”. Dr. Ong was amazingly attentive: he kept on listening, and while listening, he would write something on the file. Sometimes he would draw something and asked me irrelevant questions. “Tell me frankly, do you have a boyfriend?” “No.” “Are you happy when chatting with your best friend, Landy?” “Yes.” “How do you feel if I tell you that you’re a very creative thinker?” “I don’t know.” Finally, after an hour of confessing my problems to him, he closed his file. “Do you have any questions for me?” he asked me. I shook my head. “Alright then. What you’re suffering from is a mental illness called ‘Obsessive Compulsive Disorder’, or OCD for short.” I shrugged. I had never heard of this before. “Before I go on to tell you what OCD is, I’ll give you a simple example. Have you seen people in the coffee shop washing their hands almost every few minutes, rubbing their hands with soap till they tear their skin?” I nodded. I had known someone like that in my secondary school days. She just kept on going to the toilet to wash her hands. I always thought that she was just paying more attention to hygiene than us. “You see, they’re also suffering from OCD. They feel that their hands are always dirty, so they have the urge to wash them again and again. They’re obsessed with the thought of dirty hands. And they wash their hands to make them feel better. That’s their compulsion.” “And?” “You’re also suffering from OCD. Your case is a bit different. You’re obsessed with the thought that you’re ‘cursed’, hence you have the compulsion of not talking to others. It will make you feel better.”Crap, I thought. “In mental terms, we’re in a cycle of thought, behavior and feeling. You have the thought of fear when talking to others, fearing that you might curse them. So your behavior will be to avoid talking to them.” I toyed with my fingers. I was not paying attention. He stood up and began to draw the cycle for me to see. “So, we can’t change your thoughts. And your feeling, your fear, is created by your thoughts. So we can only help to change your behavior. Through a change in your behavior, your thoughts and feelings will change as well. We’ll go through a therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapy to change your behavior. In other words, to be happy, you have to change the world or change your thinking. We’re here to change your thinking.” “Okay, so, when can we start?” Dr. Ong stared at me, his eyes and mouth wide open. I must have been the first patient to accept his diagnosis and treatment so straightforwardly.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Obsession Disordering Of …computing.” I explained to Jacky. “Eh, wait. OCD. Obsession Computer Disordering? I forgot the name of it. The short form is OCD.” “Sounds like the Police Force in Robocop, OCP. And what is it all about?” “I am obsessed with the ‘curse’. And I’m controlled by it. So they’re trying to change my thinking-eh, no. Not thinking. They’re trying to change my behavior. So that my thinking will change. And my feelings will change.” “The Thought-Feeling-Behavior cycle. I’ve heard of it before.” “Whatever.” I blurted. “And I’m supposed to meet this Mr. Kam later on. He’ll do a therapy on me. Change my behavior. Change my thoughts. Change my feelings.”

I was prescribed with medications that cost me well over ten bucks. It was “Fluoxetine”, some sort of SSRI (as mentioned by Dr Ong), or simply, an anti-depressant. We waited for another half an hour before Mr. Kam came forward to meet me. He was in his forties, with a lean build. We greeted each other and he led me to another room, leaving Jacky alone again. This time, the room was smaller. There were two small chairs, a small table and a desk. The walls were lined with drawings by children less than ten years old. I sat on one of the chairs. “I’ve read your files. I know everything about your condition, but I would like to hear the whole story again, from yourself.” And once again, I revealed my ‘curse’. Miraculously, I had now told three people about my ‘curse’ within two weeks. “Alright. OCD.” Mr. Kam did not seem to be as friendly as Dr. Ong. “This therapy involves doing something that is against your will. You think you can curse someone. So, come on. Curse me.” I was taken aback. He was insane. He must be. I had never expected that the fourth person I had confided my secret in would ask me to curse him. “Go on, curse me.” “I really have the curse” I said. “Don’t play these games.” He pointed at his forehead. “It’s all in the mind, Joanna. Your thoughts. Your thoughts are telling you it’s wrong. But I want to prove your mind wrong instead. Curse me. When your behavior changes, so do your thoughts, and eventually, your feelings. And then you’ll be cured. Come on.” I was thinking of Jacky. I wondered how he would react. This Mr. Kam was asking for trouble. He looked harmless though. “No.” I said. “Do you want to be cured?” “I’m not sick. I’m cursed.” “Trust me. Just this once. Just say that sentence. Prove me wrong.” “I don’t want to ruin you!” “You won’t. Curse me leniently then. We’ll do it slowly.” “No, please…” “Oh come on! Don’t make me bribe you with candies.” “Please don’t force me…” “Come on!” “Stop it…” “Curse me!” I could no longer take it. I stared at him, thought for a while then said softly, “You’ll break your arm within this week.” Mr. Kam smiled. He must be sick in the mind. He was the sick one, not me. That sicko! Trouble seeker. “Good, Joanna. How are you feeling now?” I kept quiet for a while. “Regretful. I just want to say sorry in advance to you. I hope you’ve bought insurance.” “Don’t worry, I’m insured. From a scale of one to hundred, one being least depressed, hundred being most depressed, how depressed are you feeling now?” “Hundred.” I said. He showed me a piece of paper with a table drawn on it and wrote something.We chatted about irrelevant things for the next ten minutes. He told me about the various kinds of obsessions people had, like the fear of using a fork and the fear of crossing the road. I was kind of amused yet at the same time amazed by these real-life stories. After fifteen minutes, he asked me how depressed I was again. I said hundred once more. An hour later, he asked again and I said hundred. Mr. Kam did not look pleased. He got me another date to come back for the next therapy session. “I believe by then your depression level won’t be hundred.” “Maybe more.” I said and went out to meet Jacky.When I told him what I had done, he just smiled. He did not believe in my curse as well. I would show him. I would show them just how powerful my curse is. Gosh, can’t they understand me?

I Believe You

Chapter 7

Of course he could not fall in love with me. I had this curse that could harm him. This was all for his own good. But why did he still do all these things when he did not like me? I wondered if he did that to every girl he knew. Then tell them that he did not like them. He must be that sort of person. A bastard who likes to see girls cry in front of him.I hated him to the core. I went home with my eyes still red. Landy was in, reading a magazine. When she saw me, she frowned, knowing something had happened. I told her everything within fifteen minutes. “He sucks.” She commented, sharing my exasperation. “He just sucks. Painfully sucks.” I nodded, agreeing with her every word. “But he’s just so… nice, isn’t it? So romantic… so… nice.” “Idiot. I hate him. I hate him!” “You love him, Joanna. It’s the other way round.” Her sentence sent me into a whirlpool of thought. I cried so hard when he said he could not fall in love in me. Was it because of the fact that I liked him? I had not cried that much since my mother’s death.My hand phone beeped. There was an incoming message. Landy passed me the phone and said, “It has to be Jacky.” I opened the message and truly, it was him. I’m sorrie if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t u? I read the message aloud to Landy. She beamed and exclaimed, “Say yes!” I did not heed her advice. I typed a No and replied to him. “No, I’m not keen anymore.” I told Landy. “I don’t wanna go out with an idiot.” “You’re going for the appointment, not going out with Jacky, my gosh!”I was still trying to control my tears. I should not cry in front of my best friend. I had always been the strong independent girl. I would not cry for a guy again! A new message came in. Let me fetch you on that day, okie? I replied a No again. I had enough of this guy. Trying to help me? Or maybe he was just doing all this so that he could skip school! That bastard! “Come on, relax and let’s talk this out. It’s very obvious, Joanna, that you’ve fallen in love with Jacky. Why not just admit that, and we’ll have an easier time to decide on whether to go or not?” Landy was saying. But I was not paying attention. I was looking at my phone, wondering if Jacky would reply or not. Slowly, I digested Landy’s words. It was really clear. It was just too clear. Maybe I just dared not say it out. Finally, after fifteen minutes of battle with my tears, I lost. A drop rolled out. I wiped it off instantly. Landy, somehow, had seen it.“Cry it out, Joanna. Cry it out.” A new message. Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes… I replied a No. “I know you’re going for the therapy because of him.” “I’m not!” I retorted.“Then…” Landy whispered so soft that I had to read from her lips. “Why are you not going anymore, after he said all that?” And she made sense. A new message came in. Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. I replied a No again and looked at Landy. I was lost for words. She had hit my vital point. Jacky then replied, Ease your illusions! let me help… I shrugged. I did not know what to tell Landy, and I did not reply to Jacky. I was caught at a crossroads, not knowing where to go. Landy was quiet, eyeing me, as if waiting for me to say something. You’ve gotta go for it! Only you… yourself can help yourself…Understanding yourself is most important… I looked at the messages. He had sent me three messages in a short span of five minutes. Landy was frowning, obviously curious at the messages that Jacky had sent me.I crossed my legs, then my arms. Then I threw my hand phone onto the sofa and closed my eyes. My mind had dealt with too many emotional battles within a day: I guessed it needed a long rest.
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Avoiding Jacky was one of the toughest things to do at school. He was everywhere. I tried not looking at him, but realized I couldn’t. I wanted to see his expression: Was he feeling angry, guilty or happy? Or maybe he was just indifferent? In fact, there was no change. His trademark smile still lingered on his face. He still greeted every lecturer as if they were his best pals. He even tried to joke with me, but I did not laugh and he did not continue the conversation. Finally lunch break came and this was the most awkward moment for me, as we always had our lunch side by side. I bought my own food and sat alone, wondering if he would still join me. Instead one of my classmates sat beside me and I glared at her. She stared at me, then at the seat, and finally walked off.Jacky was at the drinks stall. Would he buy me my drink? I scanned my food, trying to stop myself from looking at him. Then a familiar deep voice hailed me. “Here’s your drink. Diet coke with salt.” I looked up. There he was, Jacky Wu, sitting beside me. I just stared at him, dumbfounded, startled but not surprised. He smiled, and then ate his food. I did the same thing. A few awkward minutes passed. “I’ll pick you up next Tuesday morning. I’ve applied for an official break from the school.” “Okay.” Okay? What was I thinking? Landy, help me. Landy, I’m mad. Landy…“Good. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the morning sun from an angle other than from the school on a weekday. I’m so excited.” I nodded. I must be crazy. I felt so much like flipping the table over and giving him a tight slap on his face. Yet I just sat there, agreeing and nodding to everything he said. My body was not listening to my mind. I must be mad. I must be. “Great.” He said. “You received my messages yesterday?” I nodded again. I must have forgotten how to speak English. “All of them? There’s a hidden message. Can you decode it?” I shrugged. What was he saying? “Have you deleted the messages?” I nodded. If I said otherwise, he might get the idea that I had stored every message that he sent me. “Oh, okay.” He said, and then continued with his food. “Read some of Dan Brown’s books. The Da Vinci Code, Deception Point and Angels & Demons. Most importantly, read Digital Fortress. It’s a novel about breaking codes.” He smiled, and then suddenly laughed out loud for no reason. “However, reading them won’t help you solve the code.” Was that a joke? If so, it was just so not funny.
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“Hidden message?” Landy was saying, looking at the messages. “Has he read too many ‘The Da Vinci Code’?" “Beats me.” I had written down all the messages on a piece of paper. They all sounded so normal. “Maybe he’s just trying to be funny. He’s always funny. But his jokes are not funny.” “Yeah, maybe that’s why you like him.” I ignored her comments and stared at all the messages again. I’m sorrie if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t u? Let me fetch you on that day, okie? Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes…Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. Ease your illusions! let me help…You’ve gonna come for it! Only you… yourself can help yourself… Understanding yourself is most important… Hidden message? Crap. But still, I spent an hour reading and re-reading the messages. It did not make the slightest sense. If he had wanted to start a conversation, he should have thought of a better idea than saying there was a hidden message in his SMSes. So clichéd.

I Believe You

Chapter 6

I was unable to sleep that night. At first I thought that maybe I was too physically exhausted and my mind was unable to drift into sleep mode. So I began to count sheep, drank warm milk and studied my Economics text. It was futile. After playing a loud slow song that woke my grandmother up, I decided not to sleep. After all, I had to wake up early the next day for school. It was, by then, four in the morning. Several windows outside my apartment were lightening up, getting ready for the day. I looked at my hand phone to check for new messages. There weren’t any. I frowned and sent “Good night, good morning, Mr. Wu” as a SMS to Jacky and went to bath. Why the heck had I done that? For fun? No, in my dictionary, the word ‘fun’ had ceased to exist.I spent the next two hours surfing the Internet, checking my hand phone, watching television, checking my hand phone again, playing games and checking my hand phone once more. At last, at six, I received a message. It was from Jacky.Morning, Joanna! I m so happy. This is the 1st time u msg me. Thx! I deleted the message and then spent the next ten minutes trying to restore deleted messages. There was no such function. Silly me.
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Jacky was “acting” normal to me in school. It was like yesterday’s conversation had never occurred. He put on his trademark smile to class as usual and joked his time off. When lunch break came, he bought me my drink and I could avoid the strangeness no longer. I asked, “Why are you acting so strangely today?” “Strangely?” he said. “I’m not! I’m not even acting.”“You are.” I retorted, wondering if I had just accidentally “cursed” him. After a considerably thought, I figured I had not so I continued. “You used to be so…” I stopped. It was not him. It was me.I had suddenly wanted him to pay more attention to me. To talk to me more. To joke with me more. He was just being himself today. What was wrong with me? “I’m sorry.” I said as I looked at my plate of rice, ashamed to face him. “So, when is the… appointment?” “I’m calling them later.” “You’ll… come with me, correct? As you promised?” Although I was not looking at him, I knew he must have been showing me that toothy grin again. “I promise. I’ll come with you for every session. Every single session. Every…”“Good. Good.” I said. “Damn good.”
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“Hey, Joanna.”I woke up from my doze. The lecturer’s droning voice was amplified to the entire hall. I took a few seconds to register my situation and looked up. It was Michael, one of my classmates who wrote the script for the play. He was sitting in front of me, his head turned. Jacky was snoring beside me, his cheek kissing the table. “Hey, Joanna.” He repeated as if I was still napping. “You there?” I nodded as an answer to his question. “Are you okay?” he whispered.I nodded again. “Why?” “Well, it’s because…” Jacky sprang up from his sleep and grabbed Michael in the neck, standing up. “Don’t harm her!” he shouted. His voice attracted the attention of the entire hall. All the students turned to look at him. The lecturer stopped talking and stared at Jacky with his eyes wide open, obviously surprised at Jacky’s commotion. All I did was to look Jacky in the eyes. Michael did not struggle. He was staring at Jacky, still stunned by his onslaught. A few seconds dragged on. Jacky let go and sat down while Michael scratched his head. They did not exchange a single word. A few whispers from the students killed the silence. “As you all can see, the point when demand is…” Strangely, the lecturer continued the lecture as if nothing had happened.“Hey, Mike.” Jacky whispered. Michael wheeled and faced Jacky. He did not seem afraid. “I’m sorry. I had a silly dream. You know, Mr. Tan’s voice can turn a sweet dream into a nightmare.” “I know. I understand. That’s why I dare not sleep when Mr. Tan is lecturing. By the way, what dream did you just have? Who’s the ‘her’?” Michael asked. “Yeah, who’s the ‘her’?” I asked as well. Must be out of curiosity. “I… forgot. You know, you always forget your dreams.” Michael laughed. “Yeah. Anyway, Joanna, I was able to ask you… are you okay?” “What’s wrong?” Jacky and I replied together. “Well, it’s just that… you’ve smiled five times today. And I’ve seen you smile less than ten times despite knowing you for more than six months. It’s a bit… unusual?” “Well, Michael…” Jacky licked his lips in delight. “She’s going to smile more in the future. I promise you that.” And all of a sudden, I smiled.
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“It’s called the Child’s Guidance Clinic, commonly known as CGC. It provides neuroscience treatment, psychological and psychiatric services to people aged eighteen and below. It’s under the Institute Of Mental Health. The price is cheaper as the Government will subsidize a large portion of the cost. I’ve booked an appointment for you.” Jacky passed me a sheet of paper. There was a map, a date and a time. “The clinic is in Singapore General Hospital. Pretty close to our school, so we’ll have no problem getting there after school. And this…” he passed me another sheet of paper. It was an official appointment letter issued by the Clinic. “We’ll need that to enter the clinic.” “Isn’t that place meant to be for children?” “No, that’s the misconception that most people have. The CGC also accepts teenage patients as long as you have the will to be cured. The age requirement is eighteen and below. And you qualify. Okay?” I read the official appointment letter. The first appointment was for a Tuesday morning on which we had school. “No worries about that. I’ve applied for an official leave from the school.” “Official leave?” “Well, on that day, we both will turn ill. And we’ll ‘buy’ MCs from doctors. Isn’t that official enough?”I laughed. “And when the doctor asks you to choose the next appointment date, give him a date where you and I can go together without skipping school. Okay?”I nodded. “Great.” As he was able to leave, I stopped him. “Huh?” “Look, Jacky…” My eyes met his and I whispered, “Thank you. For everything.” “My gosh, you’re close to tears.” He took a step closer to me and tapped my head. “Come on, it’s nothing much, okay? Cool it.” “I…” “Hey, Joanna.” He turned serious. “You must understand, I’m doing this because I wanna help you, okay? I want you to believe in yourself and others. Just that. We cannot be a couple. You cannot be my girlfriend. I have my reasons. So, don’t you ever fall in love with me, okay?” “I’ll never fall in love with you!” I yelled back at the top of my voice. “I’ll never love you! And you!” I pointed at him in the chest, and then punched him in the chest repeatedly. “Don’t you fall in love with me! Don’t you turn back and tell me ‘I love you!’! You hear me, Jacky Wu Zhong Xian? You hear me?! Me, Joanna Fung Wai Gwan, will never, ever fall in love with Jacky Wu Zhong Xian!” “Cool down-” he whispered. “And you, Jacky Wu Zhong Xian, you’ll better don’t fall in love with me, coz’ I’ll never love you!” I gave him a final punch before I stepped back. My heart was beating a lot faster and my body was jerking up and down uncontrollably. “You cannot be my boyfriend! I have my reasons! Okay! Don’t fall in love with me!” I turned and ran off. A few tears fell. And while I ran, I tore up the two pieces of paper that Jacky had passed to me.