I Believe You

Chapter 6

I was unable to sleep that night. At first I thought that maybe I was too physically exhausted and my mind was unable to drift into sleep mode. So I began to count sheep, drank warm milk and studied my Economics text. It was futile. After playing a loud slow song that woke my grandmother up, I decided not to sleep. After all, I had to wake up early the next day for school. It was, by then, four in the morning. Several windows outside my apartment were lightening up, getting ready for the day. I looked at my hand phone to check for new messages. There weren’t any. I frowned and sent “Good night, good morning, Mr. Wu” as a SMS to Jacky and went to bath. Why the heck had I done that? For fun? No, in my dictionary, the word ‘fun’ had ceased to exist.I spent the next two hours surfing the Internet, checking my hand phone, watching television, checking my hand phone again, playing games and checking my hand phone once more. At last, at six, I received a message. It was from Jacky.Morning, Joanna! I m so happy. This is the 1st time u msg me. Thx! I deleted the message and then spent the next ten minutes trying to restore deleted messages. There was no such function. Silly me.
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Jacky was “acting” normal to me in school. It was like yesterday’s conversation had never occurred. He put on his trademark smile to class as usual and joked his time off. When lunch break came, he bought me my drink and I could avoid the strangeness no longer. I asked, “Why are you acting so strangely today?” “Strangely?” he said. “I’m not! I’m not even acting.”“You are.” I retorted, wondering if I had just accidentally “cursed” him. After a considerably thought, I figured I had not so I continued. “You used to be so…” I stopped. It was not him. It was me.I had suddenly wanted him to pay more attention to me. To talk to me more. To joke with me more. He was just being himself today. What was wrong with me? “I’m sorry.” I said as I looked at my plate of rice, ashamed to face him. “So, when is the… appointment?” “I’m calling them later.” “You’ll… come with me, correct? As you promised?” Although I was not looking at him, I knew he must have been showing me that toothy grin again. “I promise. I’ll come with you for every session. Every single session. Every…”“Good. Good.” I said. “Damn good.”
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“Hey, Joanna.”I woke up from my doze. The lecturer’s droning voice was amplified to the entire hall. I took a few seconds to register my situation and looked up. It was Michael, one of my classmates who wrote the script for the play. He was sitting in front of me, his head turned. Jacky was snoring beside me, his cheek kissing the table. “Hey, Joanna.” He repeated as if I was still napping. “You there?” I nodded as an answer to his question. “Are you okay?” he whispered.I nodded again. “Why?” “Well, it’s because…” Jacky sprang up from his sleep and grabbed Michael in the neck, standing up. “Don’t harm her!” he shouted. His voice attracted the attention of the entire hall. All the students turned to look at him. The lecturer stopped talking and stared at Jacky with his eyes wide open, obviously surprised at Jacky’s commotion. All I did was to look Jacky in the eyes. Michael did not struggle. He was staring at Jacky, still stunned by his onslaught. A few seconds dragged on. Jacky let go and sat down while Michael scratched his head. They did not exchange a single word. A few whispers from the students killed the silence. “As you all can see, the point when demand is…” Strangely, the lecturer continued the lecture as if nothing had happened.“Hey, Mike.” Jacky whispered. Michael wheeled and faced Jacky. He did not seem afraid. “I’m sorry. I had a silly dream. You know, Mr. Tan’s voice can turn a sweet dream into a nightmare.” “I know. I understand. That’s why I dare not sleep when Mr. Tan is lecturing. By the way, what dream did you just have? Who’s the ‘her’?” Michael asked. “Yeah, who’s the ‘her’?” I asked as well. Must be out of curiosity. “I… forgot. You know, you always forget your dreams.” Michael laughed. “Yeah. Anyway, Joanna, I was able to ask you… are you okay?” “What’s wrong?” Jacky and I replied together. “Well, it’s just that… you’ve smiled five times today. And I’ve seen you smile less than ten times despite knowing you for more than six months. It’s a bit… unusual?” “Well, Michael…” Jacky licked his lips in delight. “She’s going to smile more in the future. I promise you that.” And all of a sudden, I smiled.
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“It’s called the Child’s Guidance Clinic, commonly known as CGC. It provides neuroscience treatment, psychological and psychiatric services to people aged eighteen and below. It’s under the Institute Of Mental Health. The price is cheaper as the Government will subsidize a large portion of the cost. I’ve booked an appointment for you.” Jacky passed me a sheet of paper. There was a map, a date and a time. “The clinic is in Singapore General Hospital. Pretty close to our school, so we’ll have no problem getting there after school. And this…” he passed me another sheet of paper. It was an official appointment letter issued by the Clinic. “We’ll need that to enter the clinic.” “Isn’t that place meant to be for children?” “No, that’s the misconception that most people have. The CGC also accepts teenage patients as long as you have the will to be cured. The age requirement is eighteen and below. And you qualify. Okay?” I read the official appointment letter. The first appointment was for a Tuesday morning on which we had school. “No worries about that. I’ve applied for an official leave from the school.” “Official leave?” “Well, on that day, we both will turn ill. And we’ll ‘buy’ MCs from doctors. Isn’t that official enough?”I laughed. “And when the doctor asks you to choose the next appointment date, give him a date where you and I can go together without skipping school. Okay?”I nodded. “Great.” As he was able to leave, I stopped him. “Huh?” “Look, Jacky…” My eyes met his and I whispered, “Thank you. For everything.” “My gosh, you’re close to tears.” He took a step closer to me and tapped my head. “Come on, it’s nothing much, okay? Cool it.” “I…” “Hey, Joanna.” He turned serious. “You must understand, I’m doing this because I wanna help you, okay? I want you to believe in yourself and others. Just that. We cannot be a couple. You cannot be my girlfriend. I have my reasons. So, don’t you ever fall in love with me, okay?” “I’ll never fall in love with you!” I yelled back at the top of my voice. “I’ll never love you! And you!” I pointed at him in the chest, and then punched him in the chest repeatedly. “Don’t you fall in love with me! Don’t you turn back and tell me ‘I love you!’! You hear me, Jacky Wu Zhong Xian? You hear me?! Me, Joanna Fung Wai Gwan, will never, ever fall in love with Jacky Wu Zhong Xian!” “Cool down-” he whispered. “And you, Jacky Wu Zhong Xian, you’ll better don’t fall in love with me, coz’ I’ll never love you!” I gave him a final punch before I stepped back. My heart was beating a lot faster and my body was jerking up and down uncontrollably. “You cannot be my boyfriend! I have my reasons! Okay! Don’t fall in love with me!” I turned and ran off. A few tears fell. And while I ran, I tore up the two pieces of paper that Jacky had passed to me.