I Believe You

Chapter 7

Of course he could not fall in love with me. I had this curse that could harm him. This was all for his own good. But why did he still do all these things when he did not like me? I wondered if he did that to every girl he knew. Then tell them that he did not like them. He must be that sort of person. A bastard who likes to see girls cry in front of him.I hated him to the core. I went home with my eyes still red. Landy was in, reading a magazine. When she saw me, she frowned, knowing something had happened. I told her everything within fifteen minutes. “He sucks.” She commented, sharing my exasperation. “He just sucks. Painfully sucks.” I nodded, agreeing with her every word. “But he’s just so… nice, isn’t it? So romantic… so… nice.” “Idiot. I hate him. I hate him!” “You love him, Joanna. It’s the other way round.” Her sentence sent me into a whirlpool of thought. I cried so hard when he said he could not fall in love in me. Was it because of the fact that I liked him? I had not cried that much since my mother’s death.My hand phone beeped. There was an incoming message. Landy passed me the phone and said, “It has to be Jacky.” I opened the message and truly, it was him. I’m sorrie if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t u? I read the message aloud to Landy. She beamed and exclaimed, “Say yes!” I did not heed her advice. I typed a No and replied to him. “No, I’m not keen anymore.” I told Landy. “I don’t wanna go out with an idiot.” “You’re going for the appointment, not going out with Jacky, my gosh!”I was still trying to control my tears. I should not cry in front of my best friend. I had always been the strong independent girl. I would not cry for a guy again! A new message came in. Let me fetch you on that day, okie? I replied a No again. I had enough of this guy. Trying to help me? Or maybe he was just doing all this so that he could skip school! That bastard! “Come on, relax and let’s talk this out. It’s very obvious, Joanna, that you’ve fallen in love with Jacky. Why not just admit that, and we’ll have an easier time to decide on whether to go or not?” Landy was saying. But I was not paying attention. I was looking at my phone, wondering if Jacky would reply or not. Slowly, I digested Landy’s words. It was really clear. It was just too clear. Maybe I just dared not say it out. Finally, after fifteen minutes of battle with my tears, I lost. A drop rolled out. I wiped it off instantly. Landy, somehow, had seen it.“Cry it out, Joanna. Cry it out.” A new message. Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes… I replied a No. “I know you’re going for the therapy because of him.” “I’m not!” I retorted.“Then…” Landy whispered so soft that I had to read from her lips. “Why are you not going anymore, after he said all that?” And she made sense. A new message came in. Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. I replied a No again and looked at Landy. I was lost for words. She had hit my vital point. Jacky then replied, Ease your illusions! let me help… I shrugged. I did not know what to tell Landy, and I did not reply to Jacky. I was caught at a crossroads, not knowing where to go. Landy was quiet, eyeing me, as if waiting for me to say something. You’ve gotta go for it! Only you… yourself can help yourself…Understanding yourself is most important… I looked at the messages. He had sent me three messages in a short span of five minutes. Landy was frowning, obviously curious at the messages that Jacky had sent me.I crossed my legs, then my arms. Then I threw my hand phone onto the sofa and closed my eyes. My mind had dealt with too many emotional battles within a day: I guessed it needed a long rest.
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Avoiding Jacky was one of the toughest things to do at school. He was everywhere. I tried not looking at him, but realized I couldn’t. I wanted to see his expression: Was he feeling angry, guilty or happy? Or maybe he was just indifferent? In fact, there was no change. His trademark smile still lingered on his face. He still greeted every lecturer as if they were his best pals. He even tried to joke with me, but I did not laugh and he did not continue the conversation. Finally lunch break came and this was the most awkward moment for me, as we always had our lunch side by side. I bought my own food and sat alone, wondering if he would still join me. Instead one of my classmates sat beside me and I glared at her. She stared at me, then at the seat, and finally walked off.Jacky was at the drinks stall. Would he buy me my drink? I scanned my food, trying to stop myself from looking at him. Then a familiar deep voice hailed me. “Here’s your drink. Diet coke with salt.” I looked up. There he was, Jacky Wu, sitting beside me. I just stared at him, dumbfounded, startled but not surprised. He smiled, and then ate his food. I did the same thing. A few awkward minutes passed. “I’ll pick you up next Tuesday morning. I’ve applied for an official break from the school.” “Okay.” Okay? What was I thinking? Landy, help me. Landy, I’m mad. Landy…“Good. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the morning sun from an angle other than from the school on a weekday. I’m so excited.” I nodded. I must be crazy. I felt so much like flipping the table over and giving him a tight slap on his face. Yet I just sat there, agreeing and nodding to everything he said. My body was not listening to my mind. I must be mad. I must be. “Great.” He said. “You received my messages yesterday?” I nodded again. I must have forgotten how to speak English. “All of them? There’s a hidden message. Can you decode it?” I shrugged. What was he saying? “Have you deleted the messages?” I nodded. If I said otherwise, he might get the idea that I had stored every message that he sent me. “Oh, okay.” He said, and then continued with his food. “Read some of Dan Brown’s books. The Da Vinci Code, Deception Point and Angels & Demons. Most importantly, read Digital Fortress. It’s a novel about breaking codes.” He smiled, and then suddenly laughed out loud for no reason. “However, reading them won’t help you solve the code.” Was that a joke? If so, it was just so not funny.
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“Hidden message?” Landy was saying, looking at the messages. “Has he read too many ‘The Da Vinci Code’?" “Beats me.” I had written down all the messages on a piece of paper. They all sounded so normal. “Maybe he’s just trying to be funny. He’s always funny. But his jokes are not funny.” “Yeah, maybe that’s why you like him.” I ignored her comments and stared at all the messages again. I’m sorrie if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t u? Let me fetch you on that day, okie? Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes…Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. Ease your illusions! let me help…You’ve gonna come for it! Only you… yourself can help yourself… Understanding yourself is most important… Hidden message? Crap. But still, I spent an hour reading and re-reading the messages. It did not make the slightest sense. If he had wanted to start a conversation, he should have thought of a better idea than saying there was a hidden message in his SMSes. So clichéd.