Chapter 10
“She knows how to get here?” Jacky asked me for the fifth time.
“Yes.” I answered impatiently. We were at the waiting area of the Child’s Guidance Clinic, waiting for Landy. Jacky and I had come down directly after school. Landy had said she would apply for leave today just for this appointment.
The lift opened and finally Landy came out. She was wearing a small tee-shirt and jeans. “Landy, this is Jacky.” I said. Jacky’s eyes were wide open, looking at the area behind Landy. Landy smiled broadly and extended her hand.
“Hi, Jacky. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Landy said, obviously trying to tease me.
Jacky was still looking stunned, as if Landy was some superstar. His eyes did not meet Landy’s. Instead, he kept on staring at me, then at the wall behind Landy. “Oh, Landy.” He shook his head for a while. Landy’s hand was still extended. “Oh, Landy, Landy. Hi, Landy” he said, waving his hand instead. Then he massaged his forehead for a while.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing.” Jacky waved off his hand. “Just another headache. Landy’s too beautiful, she’s giving me a headache.”
Landy laughed and we went to the waiting area. Dr Ong came out shortly, inspecting Jacky. Landy greeted Dr Ong but he was too intent on studying Jacky.
“Dr. Ong, this is Jacky.” I pointed at Jacky, then at Landy. “And this is Landy.”
Dr Ong turned and looked at Landy for a while, then said, “Alright, Landy, can you follow me to the room?”
Jacky crossed his leg, looking uncomfortable. He seemed to be grinding his own teeth. I patted him on the shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. Dr Ong is a nice guy.”
But still, Jacky stayed silent. I had never seen him so quiet before. However, there was nothing I could do so we just sat staring at into space. A few minutes later, Dr. Ong came out alone.
“Mr. Wu?” Dr Ong called Jacky. He extended his hand and this time, Jacky shook it. “Come this way please. Joanna, you stay here for a while, alright? I need to talk to them alone.”
I nodded.
I killed my time by drinking water from the water cooler. About half an hour later, I was summoned into the room. Landy had left, leaving Jacky alone in the room. Strangely, I had not seen her walking out. But she had sent a SMS, explaining that she had something on. So I was left alone with Jacky and Dr Ong. What an odd social cocktail.
“Jacky, you may go out now.”
I nearly laughed. Just when I thought things were going to be exciting, Jacky was sent out. In any case I felt more comfortable with Dr Ong alone.
“I’ll assign another therapist for you.” Dr Ong said.
“I cursed the pervious one. Told him that he’d break his hand. He asked for it. That’s why he’s on long term MC.”
“He had malaria, Joanna. He didn’t break his hand.”
I said nothing, knowing that he must be lying to make me feel better. Doctors always lie, don’t they?
“It’s true. Anyway, I’ve decided to increase the dosage of your anti-depressants. Don’t keep yourself hungry. Have some carbohydrates, like rice or noodles when you’re hungry. It’ll make you feel better. Don’t let your stomach yell for food.”
“Whatever.”
“I’ll call you again after I’ve found another therapist.”
I was desperate to get out of the room suddenly. To meet Jacky, perhaps. After Dr Ong had given me the prescriptions, I dashed out and as I predicted, Jacky was relaxing on the sofa, reading one of the parenting magazines. But he was not smiling. That was not normal. In fact, that was very abnormal.
He wanted to take a taxi. After much negotiation, I agreed to it. His stern expression somehow made me weak, as if I had to give in to his every request.
When we were inside the taxi, Jacky said “West Coast Park.”
I disagreed, but he said nothing. And when he said nothing, it meant something was very wrong. So I went with him.
Oh, gosh, where the hell is Landy when I most need her?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We took a long walk along the beach, glancing out at the sea.
The sun had just set, leaving a breathtaking image on the horizon. The currents of the sea slowly devoured the yellow light at the horizon. The tide was high, constantly threatening to push her tip to our feet.
We chatted as we walked. Jacky told me more about his childhood and his mother. He said that he felt compelled to help others when he was young due to his father’s death. His father was his hero. I, having nothing to say about any hero, just told him more about Landy. I was about to mention one of Landy’s less desirable habits when he suddenly interrupted.
“Can I hold your hand?” he said.
I wanted to smile, to jump around in ecstasy and hug him tight, and then kiss him and tell him how delighted I am. However, I did none of the above. I balled my hand into a fist and snorted, “I only allow my boyfriend to hold my hand.”
“Can I hold your hand?”
I looked away from him, trying to find something to say. “You can’t be my boyfriend. You said that before. You’ve got your… reasons.”
“Can I hold your hand?”
Now I really felt like punching him. “No. Because only lovers hold hands. And we are not lovers.” Not yet.
“Can I hold your hand?”
“I am not your girlfriend. I cannot be, because I have this curse, and you’ve got your own reasons.”
“Can I hold your hand?
“Only if you’re my boyfriend and I’m your girlfriend, then we can.”
“Can I hold your hand?”
“Remember what you once said?” I bit my lips. I was staring at the ground, my heart beating a lot faster. My body seemed to jerk and I was blinking a lot faster than normal. “If we hold hands, your reputation will be spoilt. I don’t want to do that.”
“Can I… hold your hand?” he repeated, this time weaker.
I continued walking. This was getting nowhere. I turned to him, ready to scold him aloud when I stopped in my tracks.
His eyes were red, and a few drops of tears were rolling off his eyes. He was breathing deeply. For the first time since I had known him, the tough and jovial Jacky was crying in front of me.
And he did not hold my hand. Instead, I held his and wiped off his tears. And as my blinking glistened back to normalcy, tears rolled out of my eyes as well and I jerked harder.
We were like two scared, crying school kids who were lost. But when I felt his hand on mine, I felt no fear.
Only warmth.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We locked hands till we reached my house. Throughout the journey, we were silent, as if words had suddenly vanished from our mind. But when we reached my void deck, he released my hand and said, “Joanna, I’m always here. I’m always here, if you ever need me. Here.” He pointed to his heart.
This time, I could no longer resist the urge to hug him. I wrapped my arms around him. The tough introvert Joanna was crying for the second time within a span of an hour. “Thanks” that was all I could manage to say.
Jacky released me gently and took tissue paper to wipe off my tears. “Remember this. If you ever need me and I’m not around, just wait for me. Because I’ll always be here.”
I nodded.
“I am just like the sun and you the flower. I’ll provide sunlight for you to blossom. Sometimes, clouds will prevent me from reaching you. But you’ll know that I’m always trying to reach you. Just wait for the clouds to clear if you can’t receive my sunlight.”
I nodded. If he kept on talking, I could flood the void deck with my tears.
“Remember: To be happy, you either change the world, or you change your thinking. To be realistic, you have to change your thinking to be happy. But me, I will change the world for you.”
I said nothing because my mouth had been choked with my sobbing.
Gosh oh gosh. Don’t wake me up. Please, let time reach a standstill now. Right now. Gosh.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Landy was munching biscuits on the sofa when I reached home. When she saw my reddened eyes, we started our girls’ talk again.
And finally I admitted my true feelings to her.
“I’ve fallen in love with a guy. And his name is Jacky Wu Zhong Xian. But I don’t know if he likes me or not.” I said. I was lying on the sofa, still wearing my uniform. I did not feel like bathing all of a sudden, as if the water would wash away Jacky’s smell.
“Of course he likes you! I mean, he held your hand, he said all those… mushy yet romantic things. Don’t tell me he says that to every girl.” Landy was saying. Strange. I had not told her what had happened yet she seemed to know everything.
Although she made sense, I still could not forget what happened that night. “But that day, he said that I could not be his girlfriend.”
She sighed. “Guys. Maybe he wasn’t ready that day. Now that he is ready, what are you waiting for?”
What am I waiting for?
“She knows how to get here?” Jacky asked me for the fifth time.
“Yes.” I answered impatiently. We were at the waiting area of the Child’s Guidance Clinic, waiting for Landy. Jacky and I had come down directly after school. Landy had said she would apply for leave today just for this appointment.
The lift opened and finally Landy came out. She was wearing a small tee-shirt and jeans. “Landy, this is Jacky.” I said. Jacky’s eyes were wide open, looking at the area behind Landy. Landy smiled broadly and extended her hand.
“Hi, Jacky. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Landy said, obviously trying to tease me.
Jacky was still looking stunned, as if Landy was some superstar. His eyes did not meet Landy’s. Instead, he kept on staring at me, then at the wall behind Landy. “Oh, Landy.” He shook his head for a while. Landy’s hand was still extended. “Oh, Landy, Landy. Hi, Landy” he said, waving his hand instead. Then he massaged his forehead for a while.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing.” Jacky waved off his hand. “Just another headache. Landy’s too beautiful, she’s giving me a headache.”
Landy laughed and we went to the waiting area. Dr Ong came out shortly, inspecting Jacky. Landy greeted Dr Ong but he was too intent on studying Jacky.
“Dr. Ong, this is Jacky.” I pointed at Jacky, then at Landy. “And this is Landy.”
Dr Ong turned and looked at Landy for a while, then said, “Alright, Landy, can you follow me to the room?”
Jacky crossed his leg, looking uncomfortable. He seemed to be grinding his own teeth. I patted him on the shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. Dr Ong is a nice guy.”
But still, Jacky stayed silent. I had never seen him so quiet before. However, there was nothing I could do so we just sat staring at into space. A few minutes later, Dr. Ong came out alone.
“Mr. Wu?” Dr Ong called Jacky. He extended his hand and this time, Jacky shook it. “Come this way please. Joanna, you stay here for a while, alright? I need to talk to them alone.”
I nodded.
I killed my time by drinking water from the water cooler. About half an hour later, I was summoned into the room. Landy had left, leaving Jacky alone in the room. Strangely, I had not seen her walking out. But she had sent a SMS, explaining that she had something on. So I was left alone with Jacky and Dr Ong. What an odd social cocktail.
“Jacky, you may go out now.”
I nearly laughed. Just when I thought things were going to be exciting, Jacky was sent out. In any case I felt more comfortable with Dr Ong alone.
“I’ll assign another therapist for you.” Dr Ong said.
“I cursed the pervious one. Told him that he’d break his hand. He asked for it. That’s why he’s on long term MC.”
“He had malaria, Joanna. He didn’t break his hand.”
I said nothing, knowing that he must be lying to make me feel better. Doctors always lie, don’t they?
“It’s true. Anyway, I’ve decided to increase the dosage of your anti-depressants. Don’t keep yourself hungry. Have some carbohydrates, like rice or noodles when you’re hungry. It’ll make you feel better. Don’t let your stomach yell for food.”
“Whatever.”
“I’ll call you again after I’ve found another therapist.”
I was desperate to get out of the room suddenly. To meet Jacky, perhaps. After Dr Ong had given me the prescriptions, I dashed out and as I predicted, Jacky was relaxing on the sofa, reading one of the parenting magazines. But he was not smiling. That was not normal. In fact, that was very abnormal.
He wanted to take a taxi. After much negotiation, I agreed to it. His stern expression somehow made me weak, as if I had to give in to his every request.
When we were inside the taxi, Jacky said “West Coast Park.”
I disagreed, but he said nothing. And when he said nothing, it meant something was very wrong. So I went with him.
Oh, gosh, where the hell is Landy when I most need her?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We took a long walk along the beach, glancing out at the sea.
The sun had just set, leaving a breathtaking image on the horizon. The currents of the sea slowly devoured the yellow light at the horizon. The tide was high, constantly threatening to push her tip to our feet.
We chatted as we walked. Jacky told me more about his childhood and his mother. He said that he felt compelled to help others when he was young due to his father’s death. His father was his hero. I, having nothing to say about any hero, just told him more about Landy. I was about to mention one of Landy’s less desirable habits when he suddenly interrupted.
“Can I hold your hand?” he said.
I wanted to smile, to jump around in ecstasy and hug him tight, and then kiss him and tell him how delighted I am. However, I did none of the above. I balled my hand into a fist and snorted, “I only allow my boyfriend to hold my hand.”
“Can I hold your hand?”
I looked away from him, trying to find something to say. “You can’t be my boyfriend. You said that before. You’ve got your… reasons.”
“Can I hold your hand?”
Now I really felt like punching him. “No. Because only lovers hold hands. And we are not lovers.” Not yet.
“Can I hold your hand?”
“I am not your girlfriend. I cannot be, because I have this curse, and you’ve got your own reasons.”
“Can I hold your hand?
“Only if you’re my boyfriend and I’m your girlfriend, then we can.”
“Can I hold your hand?”
“Remember what you once said?” I bit my lips. I was staring at the ground, my heart beating a lot faster. My body seemed to jerk and I was blinking a lot faster than normal. “If we hold hands, your reputation will be spoilt. I don’t want to do that.”
“Can I… hold your hand?” he repeated, this time weaker.
I continued walking. This was getting nowhere. I turned to him, ready to scold him aloud when I stopped in my tracks.
His eyes were red, and a few drops of tears were rolling off his eyes. He was breathing deeply. For the first time since I had known him, the tough and jovial Jacky was crying in front of me.
And he did not hold my hand. Instead, I held his and wiped off his tears. And as my blinking glistened back to normalcy, tears rolled out of my eyes as well and I jerked harder.
We were like two scared, crying school kids who were lost. But when I felt his hand on mine, I felt no fear.
Only warmth.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We locked hands till we reached my house. Throughout the journey, we were silent, as if words had suddenly vanished from our mind. But when we reached my void deck, he released my hand and said, “Joanna, I’m always here. I’m always here, if you ever need me. Here.” He pointed to his heart.
This time, I could no longer resist the urge to hug him. I wrapped my arms around him. The tough introvert Joanna was crying for the second time within a span of an hour. “Thanks” that was all I could manage to say.
Jacky released me gently and took tissue paper to wipe off my tears. “Remember this. If you ever need me and I’m not around, just wait for me. Because I’ll always be here.”
I nodded.
“I am just like the sun and you the flower. I’ll provide sunlight for you to blossom. Sometimes, clouds will prevent me from reaching you. But you’ll know that I’m always trying to reach you. Just wait for the clouds to clear if you can’t receive my sunlight.”
I nodded. If he kept on talking, I could flood the void deck with my tears.
“Remember: To be happy, you either change the world, or you change your thinking. To be realistic, you have to change your thinking to be happy. But me, I will change the world for you.”
I said nothing because my mouth had been choked with my sobbing.
Gosh oh gosh. Don’t wake me up. Please, let time reach a standstill now. Right now. Gosh.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Landy was munching biscuits on the sofa when I reached home. When she saw my reddened eyes, we started our girls’ talk again.
And finally I admitted my true feelings to her.
“I’ve fallen in love with a guy. And his name is Jacky Wu Zhong Xian. But I don’t know if he likes me or not.” I said. I was lying on the sofa, still wearing my uniform. I did not feel like bathing all of a sudden, as if the water would wash away Jacky’s smell.
“Of course he likes you! I mean, he held your hand, he said all those… mushy yet romantic things. Don’t tell me he says that to every girl.” Landy was saying. Strange. I had not told her what had happened yet she seemed to know everything.
Although she made sense, I still could not forget what happened that night. “But that day, he said that I could not be his girlfriend.”
She sighed. “Guys. Maybe he wasn’t ready that day. Now that he is ready, what are you waiting for?”
What am I waiting for?
No comments:
Post a Comment