Chapter 14
“Can’t be…” I was shaking and smiling at the same time. “Can’t be… not now… not now! Can’t be!” How could everything come at this time? Just when I realized I had feelings for him, he had to say that he was dying soon? How could this be happening? No! Jacky grabbed my hand. “Cool down-” “What disease do you have?” I whispered. I was taking three deep breaths a second. “What…?” “I thought you knew-” “I lied.” I said that so softly that I wondered if I had said anything. I stood up and looked out of the window. I could see a slight reflection of myself from the glass window. My eyes were half-closed, red with tears streaming down fast. I was jerking hard, as if there was an earthquake. “Brain cancer. It’s a hereditary disease, I think. My father had stomach cancer. And now I’ve got brain cancer.” “Isn’t there a cure for it?” “No. The doctors can only stop the cells from spreading. But there’s a tumour in my head, so it’s hard to do treatment. The only way is…” “Surgery?” “Right, but it’s a surgery on the brain. So the risk involved is very high. And the percentage of total recovery is only…” he paused. I waited as I did not want to interrupt him. “Fifteen percent.” “Fifteen? One five, fifteen?” “Yes.” I ran my fingers through my hair. Why… why is this happening!? Why!? “No…” I was whispering. I stared at the reflection again. I was smiling yet shaking my head. “No, no, no, you’re lying. Oh, fuck, you’re lying.” I took out my lighter and ignited it. Then I put it out and ignited it again. I hauled out the pack of cigarettes from my pocket and played with the cover. “Joanna, don’t be like this-” “Stop playing with me, Jacky, stop playing with me.” I let out a sigh and dropped the lighter onto the ground. “Stop playing with my feelings. Love, leave, love, leave, love, leave. Stop it all.” “You’ve got to calm down, Joanna. We can-” I rushed to the door and ran out. Oh, gosh, oh gosh. Gosh. What a complicated life I’m living.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I had lit my fifth cigarette when I decided to think logically. I was sitting on one of the many benches in the park, glaring at every single person walking by. I had a giddy spell by my third stick, but somehow, I just wanted to smoke more. Cancer? Death? I had never expected such issues to rub shoulders with me. It had always been the least of my worries. For the past few years, I had always been worried only about the words that I said. The curse I have been carrying. And somewhere out there, someone close to me had been battling an enemy called cancer and fleeing from an adversary named death? Somewhere out there, a person has been smiling for twenty-four hours a day even though he was next to the gates of hell? I blew the smoke out of my lungs through my nose, somewhat like a dragon. What could I do? What could I do to make him feel better? I was at my wits’ end, trapped in a nest of confusion. My tears had not stopped streaming since I dashed out of the ward. I had two missed calls traced to Jacky’s handphone. I did not call back. I merely messaged him a “Give me time”. I knew I would lose control if I heard his voice. What must I do now? I flicked the cigarette butt away and knew there was no way I could find the answer here. I headed home. I might not have Landy anymore, but I had a new chat mate.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Fortunately, my grandmother was still awake when I reached home. It was six-thirty in the evening. She was sitting on the sofa, just like what Landy used to do. She was massaging her legs while watching the news. I sat down next to her. This is my grandmother? Suddenly, I was hit by a tinge of guilt. We seldom talked, for I had Landy as a companion. But who did she have to confide in? Who did she approach when she was depressed? I have always been beside her, yet I lived in my own little world, ignoring the very same old lady who was sitting in front of me. I gently pushed her hand away and rubbed at her leg. She smiled and passed me the ointment. “Wah, Gwan, so good today?” she said. I shrugged. What kind of life had I been living for the past few years? A life of escape? A life of rebellion? Against this whole world? I said nothing as I continued to massage. When a droplet of water splashed on my grandmother’s leg, I realized I was crying again. I dared not look up. “Tell me what happened.” My grandmother said. I recalled the days I spent with Landy. I would sit here, chatting with Landy while my grandmother would greet us and retreat to her room. Jacky changed everything. He chased away my imaginary friend and brought me closer to my grandmother. I told my grandmother everything about Jacky. I told her how he smiled in every situation, how he always kept his temper. I told her about the first day that he held my hand, and how he helped me thus far. I told her everything, from my curse to Landy. And finally, I told her that Jacky was dying. And I told her of how much I love him. “I love him.” I repeated the sentence, as if it would help. “I love him a lot.” My grandmother did not interrupt me at all. She just nodded and occasionally patted me on my shoulder. Her eyes held contact with mine as I mouthed every word. At times she would smile when I mentioned something funny that Jacky did. Sometimes a frown would appear on her face when I raked up sad memories. “What do you intend to do?” I was at a loss for words. Here I was, trying to get an answer to that question. Yet there she was, posing me that question. I shook my head. “What can I do?” I whispered. “You want me to tell you a story?” I did nothing. I continued staring at the floor, counting the drops of tears that had escaped from my eyes. “I’ve never told anyone about the story of your grandfather and me.” She grabbed my shoulders and held me straight up. I was amazed by her strength. “Be strong and listen to my story. Because this story is all about courage. That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I had lit my fifth cigarette when I decided to think logically. I was sitting on one of the many benches in the park, glaring at every single person walking by. I had a giddy spell by my third stick, but somehow, I just wanted to smoke more. Cancer? Death? I had never expected such issues to rub shoulders with me. It had always been the least of my worries. For the past few years, I had always been worried only about the words that I said. The curse I have been carrying. And somewhere out there, someone close to me had been battling an enemy called cancer and fleeing from an adversary named death? Somewhere out there, a person has been smiling for twenty-four hours a day even though he was next to the gates of hell? I blew the smoke out of my lungs through my nose, somewhat like a dragon. What could I do? What could I do to make him feel better? I was at my wits’ end, trapped in a nest of confusion. My tears had not stopped streaming since I dashed out of the ward. I had two missed calls traced to Jacky’s handphone. I did not call back. I merely messaged him a “Give me time”. I knew I would lose control if I heard his voice. What must I do now? I flicked the cigarette butt away and knew there was no way I could find the answer here. I headed home. I might not have Landy anymore, but I had a new chat mate.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Fortunately, my grandmother was still awake when I reached home. It was six-thirty in the evening. She was sitting on the sofa, just like what Landy used to do. She was massaging her legs while watching the news. I sat down next to her. This is my grandmother? Suddenly, I was hit by a tinge of guilt. We seldom talked, for I had Landy as a companion. But who did she have to confide in? Who did she approach when she was depressed? I have always been beside her, yet I lived in my own little world, ignoring the very same old lady who was sitting in front of me. I gently pushed her hand away and rubbed at her leg. She smiled and passed me the ointment. “Wah, Gwan, so good today?” she said. I shrugged. What kind of life had I been living for the past few years? A life of escape? A life of rebellion? Against this whole world? I said nothing as I continued to massage. When a droplet of water splashed on my grandmother’s leg, I realized I was crying again. I dared not look up. “Tell me what happened.” My grandmother said. I recalled the days I spent with Landy. I would sit here, chatting with Landy while my grandmother would greet us and retreat to her room. Jacky changed everything. He chased away my imaginary friend and brought me closer to my grandmother. I told my grandmother everything about Jacky. I told her how he smiled in every situation, how he always kept his temper. I told her about the first day that he held my hand, and how he helped me thus far. I told her everything, from my curse to Landy. And finally, I told her that Jacky was dying. And I told her of how much I love him. “I love him.” I repeated the sentence, as if it would help. “I love him a lot.” My grandmother did not interrupt me at all. She just nodded and occasionally patted me on my shoulder. Her eyes held contact with mine as I mouthed every word. At times she would smile when I mentioned something funny that Jacky did. Sometimes a frown would appear on her face when I raked up sad memories. “What do you intend to do?” I was at a loss for words. Here I was, trying to get an answer to that question. Yet there she was, posing me that question. I shook my head. “What can I do?” I whispered. “You want me to tell you a story?” I did nothing. I continued staring at the floor, counting the drops of tears that had escaped from my eyes. “I’ve never told anyone about the story of your grandfather and me.” She grabbed my shoulders and held me straight up. I was amazed by her strength. “Be strong and listen to my story. Because this story is all about courage. That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?”
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