I Believe You
Chapter 12

I cried throughout the whole journey home. The taxi-driver did nothing. He must have had picked up crying girls all too often. When I reached home minutes later, I called Landy. Strangely, all I did was to press the last dialed number and Landy’s voice came. “Landy, can you do me a favour? Come out now. I need your help.” A few minutes later, Landy and I were out on the streets. It was nine at night, but the market place was still teeming with people. I approached the auntie who always sells fish soup to me. “Hi, auntie.” I said. She was an old frail lady, but when I greeted her, her eyes sparkled. She must be surprised, for I had never greeted her before. “Oh, hi ah girl.” She replied after some hesitation. I pointed to Landy. “This is my best friend, Landy.” I said in Chinese. She looked at Landy. I knew I was right all along. But after a few seconds, she took a step back and bit her lips. “What? Huh?” I started to shiver. This can’t be… “This young and pretty lady here,” I rested my hand on Landy’s shoulder. “…is my best friend.” The auntie was lost for words. “I…” Then she took out a yellow paper from her wallet and clapped her hands together. I stared in disbelief. She started to pray to her surroundings. “God bless…” then she said something in Chinese that I could not understand. Before I could say anything, she turned to me and said aloud, “Bye, girl.” She then rushed off as if she had just seen a ghost. And Landy was still smiling. I did this experiment a few more times with some other people. They either told me to stop joking, or thought I was possessed by some spirit. None of them could see Landy. Except me. And just when I was about to probe Landy about this, she was gone. Just like that. Poof, gone without any warning. And, as expected, I tried calling her but I could not get through.
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I felt so lonely. I went to school as usual the next day, this time, however, feeling like it was the first day of school. I was trying hard to avoid Jacky, but he was, as usual, as sticky as glue. He tried to start a conversation but I would cut him off with these two words: “Shut up.” Finally lunch break came. This was the first time that I was not looking forward to it. Jacky bought my drink, but I went off and bought my own. “Joanna-” “Shut up.” I said it for the tenth time. “Let me help-” “Why are you doing all this?” Now I was boiling with anger. Could it be the laksa in front of me that spurred me? When I looked at Jacky, I realized it was not the laksa. It was his face: his compassionate face that fueled the anger within me. “Why are you doing all this, Jacky!?” I was half-yelling. “I want to do something meaningful-” “Get lost!” I screamed. The whole canteen went quiet. Only the sound of the fans’ whirring could be heard. “Don’t give me that excuse anymore! There’re more than a thousand people in this school: Why me? Why!?” He was quiet and seemed to be on the verge of tears.“Is it because you pity me!?” If he was facing me, I could have given him a tight slap. “Is it because you think I need sympathy, that’s why you’re doing all this!?” “Yes. Maybe because I pity you that’s why I’m doing all this.” He said softly. People were bending forward, trying to make out what he had just said. “And when you knew that my best friend is an imaginary friend, you pitied me more?! That’s why you held my hand!? Be nice to me, because the best remedy for imaginary friends is to make me happy and socially involved? That’s why you said all those idiotic things at my void deck!?” I could tell that he was thinking. “Maybe.” He answered softly again. “That may be the reason.” I splashed my glass of Diet Coke onto his face. I smacked his cheek hard, then walked off. I was expecting him to give chase. But he did not. He must have stopped pitying me. I went straight to the toilet. No one bothered to come forward to console me. After washing my tears off, it was time to go back to class. I was dreading having to see Jacky again. We did not say anything more for the rest of the day. I confined myself to my notes and he was absorbed in the lecturer’s voice. Gosh oh gosh. What the heck had just happened? What the heck had I just done? An imaginary friend? A one-sided love story? Suddenly it occurred to me. Now I knew why Jacky could not be my boyfriend. That night, when he said we could not be together, I had cursed him. I had cursed him not to fall in love with me when I was angry. My. Gosh. It was my fault. My fault!
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I went back to an empty house. My grandmother came home after a few hours. Had she been seeing things as well for the past four years? “Grandma,” I asked in Hokkien. “Do you remember Landy?” “Of course.” She replied. I looked around the living room. It was empty except for her and me. I pointed to the empty sofa and said, “She’s here.” She made an effort to look at the sofa then turned back at me. Her answer sent chills down my spine. “Yes, she still looks so beautiful. I’m going back to my room. You have a nice chat with her.” “Can you… chat with me?” I requested. Since my mother’s death, I had not had a decent chat with my grandmother. We had a “hi” & “bye” relationship. She had earned her living through collecting cans and donations from the residents. All my allowances came from her and from my auntie. My grandmother rolled her eyes. She ambled to the sofa and sat down, patting the seat beside me. She must have forgotten that Landy was “there”. Jacky had called me a few times but I rejected all his calls. I felt that he was just putting on a mask. “I’m feeling very lonely.” I told my grandmother. It was just so weird. I meant, my grandmother had always been so close to me, yet I had always consigned her to one side, as if she did not exist. “How old are you already, Gwan?” she suddenly asked. Gwan was the name that my parents used to call me. It had such a forgotten history that I nearly couldn’t remember that was my name. I told her almost everything about myself. My age, my school and my life in general. I did not tell her about Landy and my curse. Instead, I found myself talking to her about Jacky. It just came out of nowhere. “He’s a very nice and handsome guy.” I said. “Tall, tanned and always smiling. I always tell myself that I had not fallen in love with him.” “Why?” “Because… I don’t know. I knew I couldn’t love him. Grandma, what does love feels like?” My grandmother took a very long breath. However, I could tell that she was not thinking. She was preparing for a very long chat. “Easy. Tell me, two hours ago, who were you thinking of?” I thought back. “Jacky.” “Who are you thinking of now?” “Jacky.” “And if you’re still thinking of him two hours later, you’re in love. Gwan, love is a simple thing. It’s either you love, or you don’t. You can try everything, almost everything to prevent yourself from loving, but it all boils down to this: Either you love, or you don’t.” I pondered on her words. “Doesn’t matter how long the love lasts. You’ll be contented once you know you were in love before. Have I told you about the magnet theory?” I shook my head. “You’re like the North Pole of a magnet bar, and Jacky is also like the North Pole of a magnet bar. There’s no way for both of you to be close together. There’s a force that’ll always push you both apart. This force is called the obstacle, like interest differences, communication problems and etc. “However, if you put a metal bar in between, both you magnets will stick to it. And you’ll be close to each other. That metal bar dissolves the force that pushes both of you away. And that metal bar is what we called love.” What a load of bullshit. However, when I realized I was thinking of Jacky two hours later, I began to ponder her words again. Our metal bar… where can we find it? I wanted so much to ask my grandmother about it again, but she was asleep. And so I went to bed as well.