I Believe You

Chapter 18

I tried to kill time by counting my breaths, but it was the dumbest thing to do. I gave up after my hundredth breath.

I was waiting at the backstage, looking at plays staged by other classes. One of our buddy classes did very well, causing the entire audience to give a standing ovation at the end of their performance. I wondered if ours would cause such a stir.

The wait was finally over. The host announced my class’s name, and the curtain was drawn. AVA crew rushed onto the stage out of nowhere to position the microphones and other props to our desired positions. I was expecting the break to last for more than two minutes, but before I knew it, two AVA members pulled the curtain opened and a round of applause rang across the hall.

Johnny said something on the stage, and when I heard a loud “thump”, I took in a long breath and stepped onto the stage. A few people in the audience “oohed” and “aaheed”. I continued strolling forward until I was just in front of Johnny. His eyes were closed.

Slowly, I kneeled and held his head.

“I want Joanna to be Juliet. J for Joanna.”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Everyone sat outside the operating theatre, just like the scenes from those melodramatic Channel 8 drama serials that always showed on TV at nine o’clock.

Jacky’s mother sat closest to the door. Our classmates were all close to a vending machine, and me, I was sitting furthest from the door. I had told them to leave me alone, for I knew now words could no longer calm my soul.

Memories of Jacky lingered in my mind. I imagined what would happen five hours from now: Would I be dancing with happiness, or would I be crying in depression?

Half an hour passed, but it felt like half a century. The lobby was so quiet and scary that nurses dared not walk pass us unless there was a real need to. I unleashed my pack of Marlboro – to the surprise of my classmates – and began to unwrap it. I did not smoke there, of course.

Another fifteen minutes passed. I clapped my hands together, for the past seventeen years, I had not believed in the man above us. Now, I closed my eyes and prayed.

God, if you’re up there, do me a favour. Just this favour, please.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


The song played loudly in the background. Someone in the stage was singing along, but her voice sucked, compared to Trademark’s melodic voice. I stared at Johnny’s closed eyes.

“Wake up.” I whispered, my voice amplified by my microphone clipped on my collar. “Wake up, wake up, please. I beg you, just wake up. You made so many promises. So many. Don’t die on me, Romeo. Don’t leave me alone here! Please!”

Johnny had no response. He was, after all, a professional. I clicked my fingers, and the song played again. Beside me was a glass of chestnut juice that I had drank for more than fifty times during the rehearsals.

“Please stay with me. I love you. That’s what you’ve been trying to tell me, isn’t it? I love you…”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


After an hour passed, I read the messages Jacky sent me again.

I’m sorry if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t you? Let me fetch you on that day, okie? Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes… Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. Ease your illusions! let me help… You’ve gonna come for it! Only you… yourself can help yourself… Understanding yourself is most important…

He said that there was a message coded in it. What message? I read it, again and again. It did not ring a bell until I wrote it down in a piece of paper.

Gosh. I dropped the phone and the pen. I dropped my head, and I nearly dropped on the floor myself. Now I knew what he was trying to say after all. It all made so much sense. So much sense!

I jumped up and dashed towards the door of the operating room. A few of my classmates caught me by my arms and shoulders. I continued to struggle towards the door, but they held me back.

“What’re you doing?!” they demanded.

I tried to keep their hands off me but their combined strength was too great for me. So I relaxed and went to my knees. Jacky’s mother was still holding on to a calm expression.

I looked at my watch, the watch that Jacky had given me. I kept my feelings in check and went back to my seat, clapping my hands together again.

Jacky, you’ll better wake up. I’ve decoded your message. Silly!


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


“Come on, wake up. Everyone wants a happy ending. Wake up, wake up…” My face was now bathed with tears. I could hear a few soft sobs in the audience, followed by a few “wows”. My performance must have been very impressive.

I grabbed the cup of chestnut juice. “Poison…” I said, staring at it as if it would change colour. “Poison. What for I live if you’re not around? I live because of you. Now that you’re gone…” I recalled that I should add in some Singlish to inject humour into the play. So I said, “No use liao. I’ll die then!”

No one laughed. Instead, I heard more people crying.

I gulped down the chestnut water in one smooth feat. Soon after that, I was lying beside Johnny. A few seconds later, Johnny stirred, and slowly I felt him holding my head. I did not concentrate on what he said, for my part was already over. When he screamed, he lied onto my back and he song was played again.

“But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But I believeFor you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I just play my part
And pray you’ll have a change of heart
But I can’t make you see it through
That’s something only love can do…”

Is there something only love can do? When everything fails, shall I turn to love?


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


I did not pick up my handphone nor did I pick up the piece of paper on the floor. I was rooted to my seat, and when I examined my hand, I realized I was shaking non-stop.

When my first teardrop splashed onto the piece of paper, I clutched my hand. At my tenth teardrop, the door opened, and almost everyone stood up except me. I dragged my head up slowly, and stared at the scene in front of me. This was the moment I had been waiting for, yet I suddenly did not feel like knowing the truth.

The doctor came out first. There were dark rings around his eyes, as if a victim of lack of sleep. As he talked to Jacky’s mother, he shook his head once. Then Jacky’s mother cupped her face with her hands, and the doctor tapped her shoulder softly.

I dropped my head backwards and felt a sharp pain on my skull

The doctor whispered something to her, and then pointed the ward. I was trying to read his lips but he was too fast. Jacky’s mother uncapped her face and stared at the doctor, then shook her head softly, mumbling something. A few minutes later, the doctor pointed to a nurse and walked off.

The nurse said something to Jacky’s mother. My classmates all crowded around, their expressions a fusion of fear. I ruffled my hair and snorted aloud.

“Jacky.” I whispered, so soft that I wondered if anything came out of my mouth.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


“Jacky’s not only a classmate, not only a friend. He’s a role model, a leader’s leader, a mediator and the best person I’ve ever seen in my life.” Michael was saying. He put the piece of paper he had been reading into his breast pocket and continued. “I’ve only remember myself crying twice. Once was when I watched the movie Titanic. And the second time…”

The audience was so quiet that no one dared to cough. Michael finally squeezed a tear from his left eye, and he muttered softly into the mic, “This is the third time.”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


When I saw Michael stepping back, plunging onto the nearest seat, I knew it was something really bad.

He enveloped his face with his large hands, and when he jerked a few times, I knew he was trying. I confirmed it when drops of water seeped down his wrist. Michael was crying. Jacky’s mother was crying as well. All my classmates started to cry as well.

Everyone was crying. I glanced at the piece of paper. Not only had it been dampened, the entire floor beneath me was a pool of tears.

Is this how death looks like?


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


“But.” Michael cut in. Most of the girls in the audience were crying, including those in other classes who did not know who Jacky was. “But Jacky once told me, boys shall not cry. We’re born with broader shoulders to let girls cry on our shoulder. So,” he wiped off his tears. Well, he failed. They kept on coming. “Let’s go with Jacky’s advice. This is for you, Jacky.” He smiled, and walked away from the mic.

There should have been two hosts, a boy and a girl. But the girl was nowhere to be seen. The boy went to the stage and announced, “Let’s welcome Jacky’s best friend, Joanna, to dedicate a message to Jacky.”

A round of weak applause greeted me. I stepped forward to the mic and adjusted it to my height. Then I pulled out a piece of paper from my pocket and stared at it. It was a page long, and I had spent two hours penning it.

I started to read it. “Jacky Wu Zhong Xian is a very-” I paused. Then I crushed the paper into a ball and dropped it. Looking at the audience with my earnest eyes, I said, “There was once a matchstick who scratched its head. Then it died.”

There was no response from the audience.

“That boy didn’t laugh.” I said, pointing to an empty space in the hall. “The guy with glasses and short hair. Yeah, that’s the one. He never laughs!”

I closed my eyes. It was too hard. I imagined myself in the audience, showing him an angry look. “Jacky,” I started, my eyes still closed. “Can you please… wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke? I beg you.”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


I was still immobilised by the shock when I heard a voice.

“You must be Joanna.” I looked up. It was the doctor. Upon a closer examination, I realised he could be less than forty-years-old. I nodded, waiting anxiously for what he was about to say.

“Before Mr. Wu went into the operating room, he said these to me: ‘Doctor, I’ve got a stupid rock in my head. Get it out, because I wanna marry a girl call Joanna Fung. Alright? I’ll invite you to our wedding. So you’ll better get this rock out in order to attend our wedding.”’

He paused, and then continued, “I’m sorry things turned out this way.”

I took in a deep long breath but I did not exhale. My hands were glued to the sides of the chair.

“Well, Joanna, I don’t know whether you’re the luckiest, or the most unlucky girl in the world.”

I cried, and I forgot when I stopped crying.