How do you replace something that was once important to you but now is gone?

You can lose a favourite item, say a pen, and still find the exact same one at the bookstore, but how do you replace a loved one?

How do you replace a good grandfather? Death is part and parcel of life but I vehemently disapprove of someone so indispensable be taken away from me. I had wanted to spend a few more years with him. I had wished for him to see me get wedded, start a family, settle down, and then my children would bring such joy to him. My dreams seemed like castles in the sky and I can dream no more. No more.

As if not bad enough, I lost another person valuable to me. How do you replace a person whose company you enjoyed? Irreplaceable she is, lonely I am. I just lost my pillar of support, my source of motivation. I have lost my strength. Blame it on my ignorance.

I still remember the lost-and-found corner in Primary school where one could claim his or her lost item found by another person who kindly did not keep it. I wish there was a lost-and-found corner for Very Important People (VIP) so I can have these VIP back in my life.

I'm going off to field camp: Grandslam!

Graduation's coming.. i'm gonna get promoted!

This morning, i woke up at nine ten, lay in bed, pondered on what my life would be without *you*. I could not imagine. Instead, i was left to reflect on the journey that i've been through with *you*. Let's go to the very beginning.

It was a Sunday. *You* met me for dinner at Swensen's, WhiteSands, after some carnival at your church. It was about seven in the evening when *you* arrived and i sat you down at a table in a corner. Ten minutes after taking our orders, the waitress came with our food, plus a small bouquet of roses.

"This is for you.." she said, as she handed you the flowers. Taken aback, your eyes wandered around, as if looking for the giver. Seated right in front of *you*, I said to you, "It's from me." And i asked *you* to be my girlfriend.

Even under the dim lighting, i saw *you* blush and *you* flashed a smile so wide it could enter the Guiness' Book of Records. And then *you* nodded. Nothing meant more to me than that assurance.

There is no beauty as striking as yours, no words as truthful as yours, no feelings as stimulating as yours, no protection as dependable as yours, no gifts as precious as yours, no stability as sturdy as yours, no strength as reliable as yours, no love as enduring as yours.

I shall pass through this world but once. Any good that i can do, any love i can show, any happiness i can give you, let me do it now and not defer it. For i shall not pass this way again.

My love for *you* cannot be measured, contained, explained, understood, or compared. It must just be accepted for what it is ...... the purest, truest love you will ever know.

After looking at how it all began, i can only be sure about one thing. The ending will be a 'happily ever after' ending. But let's not skip to that part. I want to treasure every moment spent with you.

Passing out Parade (PoP) / 120607

A proud moment

The 2 most important women in my life attended the parade! What more can i ask for?

Da En (The one who sleeps beside me in bunk) & Me

Me with my lifetime sweetheart

(Lovey dovey~)

I simply love my girl!

Mummy & Me

My section mates & commanders

Just in case you're wondering why i've not been updating my blog for the past 3 weeks, it's down to me being away from mainland due to my 18 days' confinement in the army. Military training's pretty tough, with much strength training and many physical activities making up the packed training programme. And it will progressively get tougher. In a bid to obtain better physique, i guess it's all good.

Good friends i have made. And my section mates are great. We're always fooling around and letting our shenanigans get the better of us. Haha. Having fun together is one of the little things i can find joy in National Service.

Most importantly, i have found *you. It's strange how the army has actually brought us together. Suddenly, my life seems so purposeful and meaningful. I may not always be there for you in person, but surely, someone in tekong cares about you. Always. And that someone is me.

I Believe You

Chapter 20

I stroked his hand softly, feeling the warmth. This is another dream, isn’t it? The images are so clear: I can feel the beads of sweat on my forehead. There are so many colours. Jacky had just opened his eyes.

I heard voices when I was sleeping. I thought the voices were just part of my dream, but the voices in my dream sounded so real, yet the images in it looked so hazy. Now, as I rubbed my eyes, both the voices and images were real. This is definitely not a dream.

“Talk to me.” I said, my voice a bit dry.

“Hey, hello to my girl, Joanna.” His voice rang again, louder this time. His eyes were half-closed and he was smiling. “Where’s my peeled apple?”

I could feel my mouth opening wide and my throat choking with phlegm. I wanted to jump onto him, giving him the hug of his life. But if I really do that, he may plunge back into a coma again.

“You idiot.” I whispered, toying with his fingers. “You idiot, do you know your mum was going to let you go if you had decided to wake up tomorrow? Do you know, huh? Why don’t you just go to hell?”

Jacky laughed weakly. “I choose my dates carefully.”

“You sure do.”

“Like, when I was in Secondary One, I chose Candy Tzu as my date. When I was in Secondary Two, I chose Ru Hua. Well, When I was in Secondary Three-”

“Not funny.” I cut in.

“In Secondary Three, I chose Joanna Fung, and I’ll make her my date forever.”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


When I first saw my grandmother’s photo in her funeral, I squeezed Jacky’s hand tight. I did not shed any tears. I just stared, and stared, and stared.

My grandmother had passed away peacefully two weeks before my A Levels. Initially, when I saw her lying on the sofa, I thought she was just resting. I went forward, wanting to wake her up. It was then I realised she was smiling but her eyes were closed.

When I noticed that she was not breathing, I did not call the ambulance instantly. Instead, I paced up and down, and finally, I called Jacky. Until now, the cause of her death is still unknown. It seemed to be of old age.

“You’re a strong girl.” Jacky said to me.

There were less than ten people attending the funeral, and I felt sad for my grandmother. Still, I did not cry.

“Come on, sit down. I’ve got something to tell you.” Jacky said, motioning to a chair. When I settled down, he passed me a packet of drink. “Remember the letter I wrote for you? I asked my mother to pass it to you if I were in a coma.”

I nodded.

“Well, I did say something about an old lady in your void deck, giving me some advice on love right? That love is either yes, or no. There’re no other excuses.”

My heart skipped a beat. My grandmother had told me that before, and Jacky had heard this from some old lady near my void deck.

“Your grandmother was the old lady.”

Now I really felt like crying. Firstly, my grandmother became my chat mate. Then she became my advisor. And now I discovered she had also contributed to bringing me Jacky.

Ironically, Jacky had brought me my grandmother and my grandmother had brought me Jacky.

“Now, look here.” Jacky pointed to my left. I turned my head and wheezed. It was the old man in the park at the hospital who had given me the advice of love as well.

“What the…”

The old man was staring at my grandmother’s coffin with teary eyes. After a while, he said something to himself and went off.

“Ours is not the saddest story in the world. There’re so many stories going on. Ours is just one of the many.”

I Believe You

Chapter 19

The doorbell rang when I was rubbing my grandmother’s leg. I did not feel like going to the door, thinking that it must be some salesman trying to promote a new kind of ‘super’ vacuum cleaner. But grandmother pointed to the door and nodded her head.

I got her signal and went to the door. The moment I opened the door, my eyeballs nearly dropped out and I bit my teeth hard. It was Jacky’s mother. She was expressionless, staring at me as if I had just done something wrong.

I knew there were only two reasons on why she had come: Either it was good news or bad news about Jacky. Judging from her red eyes, I knew it had to be bad news.

“Joanna.” She started and I wondered how she got my address. But I knocked that thought off and concentrated on her. “This is from Jacky.” She passed me a white envelope. “He said if anything happened to him, I must give you this letter.”

I felt the letter within my fingers. There was only a single piece of paper in the envelope.

“He’s still showing no response. It’s over. If he still doesn’t wake up next week, I’m cutting off the life support.”

I stared at the envelope for I dared not look at Jacky’s mother. I closed my eyes and waited for her to say something. But she kept quiet. So I nodded, said goodbye to her and slammed the door shut.

“If he still doesn’t wake up next week, I’m cutting off the life support.”

Was this the guy who had told me a joke about a matchstick that had scratched his head then died? Was this the guy who had told me that he would always be my sunshine?

Was this the guy whom I loved deeply?

My grandmother made her way slowly to her room. She was singing some old Chinese song which I did not understand. I jumped onto the sofa, switched on the lamp and tore the envelope gently.

Was this guy Jacky?

Gosh. My tears came again, and I knew they would keep on falling unless I drifted to oblivion.

Dear Joanna,

As I am writing this letter, a freezing remorse is washing inside my body. The ward is serene, and only in this quietness can I fill my thoughts on this piece of paper. I regretted so many things yet I can do nothing now. I should have, yet I did not. Joanna, what I wanted to tell you is that I love you.

Since the day I first talked to you, I told myself that I must not fall in love with you. As we got closer, I continued to tell myself that I did not love you. I held your hand, I cried when you cried, I smiled when you smiled, but still, I told myself: No, I don’t love you.

I must not love you, for I may leave this world anytime. But just now, someone told me something meaningful. I was taking a rest in the park when I saw an old man in his seventies. We chatted, and he said this to me: “In love, either you love, or you don’t.”

It was when I remembered the day when I walked you home. A frail old lady, also in her seventies, chatted with me. Somehow, our conversation also ended with this sentence, “In love, either you love or you don’t.”

In love, either I love you, or I don’t. Joanna, I had been thinking. I had been trying not to love you, but the fact remains: I love you. I can try to forget you, I can try not to love you, but still, it still boils down to this single sentence: I love you.

My message. My SMS messages. I know you have not deleted it. Go decode it.

If you’re reading this letter, I must be in a coma. But I just wanted to tell you, Joanna, I just want to tell you how much I love you.

Just wait for me if I’m in a coma. I’ll be back. Peel an apple for me; I’ll still be having it. This letter will be my motivation to wake up.

Wait for me. Wait for the sunshine. Wait for the clouds to clear. Wait. For. Me.



Jacky Wu

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Someone once said that time would dry the tears. It had been a month, yet my tears kept on dropping whenever I saw him.

Jacky had been going on a glucose diet for the past thirty days. I tried talking to him every day, singing to him every week but still, he did not move.

Where’re the promises you made to me?

If I had one of the abilities of God, I would have chosen to re-live my past, and slowly, tenderly, treasuring every single hour, minute and second with you. Every single moment with you.

But it was too late. All too late.

I laid my head onto the side of his bed. It had been an exhausting day for me. I had to hand up all my tutorials today and I was going to have a tough economics test the following day. It had been a long while since I had a good night’s sleep.

The moment I closed my eyes, I drifted into a deep sleep. In my sleep, I forgot everything and dived into a beautiful dream. I was in a crowded bus. A masculine voice captured my attention.

“Hey, hello!”

I glanced up, looking for someone. A guy had just boarded the bus, and he was smiling at me. I smiled back instantly, feeling an urge to walk to him. He squeezed past everybody in the bus and stood just beside me.

“Hello!”

He yelled although he was just beside me. I laughed, but still I said nothing, as if a force was sealing my mouth.

“Hello to Joanna!”

Somehow, I felt a familiarity in this scene. Even the voice sounded familiar. I took a very deep breath and regained control of myself. I looked around with my tired body and saw myself in the ward.

“Hello. Where’s my peeled apple?”

The images had just been a dream, but the voices were reality.

I Believe You

Chapter 18

I tried to kill time by counting my breaths, but it was the dumbest thing to do. I gave up after my hundredth breath.

I was waiting at the backstage, looking at plays staged by other classes. One of our buddy classes did very well, causing the entire audience to give a standing ovation at the end of their performance. I wondered if ours would cause such a stir.

The wait was finally over. The host announced my class’s name, and the curtain was drawn. AVA crew rushed onto the stage out of nowhere to position the microphones and other props to our desired positions. I was expecting the break to last for more than two minutes, but before I knew it, two AVA members pulled the curtain opened and a round of applause rang across the hall.

Johnny said something on the stage, and when I heard a loud “thump”, I took in a long breath and stepped onto the stage. A few people in the audience “oohed” and “aaheed”. I continued strolling forward until I was just in front of Johnny. His eyes were closed.

Slowly, I kneeled and held his head.

“I want Joanna to be Juliet. J for Joanna.”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Everyone sat outside the operating theatre, just like the scenes from those melodramatic Channel 8 drama serials that always showed on TV at nine o’clock.

Jacky’s mother sat closest to the door. Our classmates were all close to a vending machine, and me, I was sitting furthest from the door. I had told them to leave me alone, for I knew now words could no longer calm my soul.

Memories of Jacky lingered in my mind. I imagined what would happen five hours from now: Would I be dancing with happiness, or would I be crying in depression?

Half an hour passed, but it felt like half a century. The lobby was so quiet and scary that nurses dared not walk pass us unless there was a real need to. I unleashed my pack of Marlboro – to the surprise of my classmates – and began to unwrap it. I did not smoke there, of course.

Another fifteen minutes passed. I clapped my hands together, for the past seventeen years, I had not believed in the man above us. Now, I closed my eyes and prayed.

God, if you’re up there, do me a favour. Just this favour, please.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


The song played loudly in the background. Someone in the stage was singing along, but her voice sucked, compared to Trademark’s melodic voice. I stared at Johnny’s closed eyes.

“Wake up.” I whispered, my voice amplified by my microphone clipped on my collar. “Wake up, wake up, please. I beg you, just wake up. You made so many promises. So many. Don’t die on me, Romeo. Don’t leave me alone here! Please!”

Johnny had no response. He was, after all, a professional. I clicked my fingers, and the song played again. Beside me was a glass of chestnut juice that I had drank for more than fifty times during the rehearsals.

“Please stay with me. I love you. That’s what you’ve been trying to tell me, isn’t it? I love you…”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


After an hour passed, I read the messages Jacky sent me again.

I’m sorry if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t you? Let me fetch you on that day, okie? Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes… Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. Ease your illusions! let me help… You’ve gonna come for it! Only you… yourself can help yourself… Understanding yourself is most important…

He said that there was a message coded in it. What message? I read it, again and again. It did not ring a bell until I wrote it down in a piece of paper.

Gosh. I dropped the phone and the pen. I dropped my head, and I nearly dropped on the floor myself. Now I knew what he was trying to say after all. It all made so much sense. So much sense!

I jumped up and dashed towards the door of the operating room. A few of my classmates caught me by my arms and shoulders. I continued to struggle towards the door, but they held me back.

“What’re you doing?!” they demanded.

I tried to keep their hands off me but their combined strength was too great for me. So I relaxed and went to my knees. Jacky’s mother was still holding on to a calm expression.

I looked at my watch, the watch that Jacky had given me. I kept my feelings in check and went back to my seat, clapping my hands together again.

Jacky, you’ll better wake up. I’ve decoded your message. Silly!


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


“Come on, wake up. Everyone wants a happy ending. Wake up, wake up…” My face was now bathed with tears. I could hear a few soft sobs in the audience, followed by a few “wows”. My performance must have been very impressive.

I grabbed the cup of chestnut juice. “Poison…” I said, staring at it as if it would change colour. “Poison. What for I live if you’re not around? I live because of you. Now that you’re gone…” I recalled that I should add in some Singlish to inject humour into the play. So I said, “No use liao. I’ll die then!”

No one laughed. Instead, I heard more people crying.

I gulped down the chestnut water in one smooth feat. Soon after that, I was lying beside Johnny. A few seconds later, Johnny stirred, and slowly I felt him holding my head. I did not concentrate on what he said, for my part was already over. When he screamed, he lied onto my back and he song was played again.

“But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But I believeFor you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I just play my part
And pray you’ll have a change of heart
But I can’t make you see it through
That’s something only love can do…”

Is there something only love can do? When everything fails, shall I turn to love?


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


I did not pick up my handphone nor did I pick up the piece of paper on the floor. I was rooted to my seat, and when I examined my hand, I realized I was shaking non-stop.

When my first teardrop splashed onto the piece of paper, I clutched my hand. At my tenth teardrop, the door opened, and almost everyone stood up except me. I dragged my head up slowly, and stared at the scene in front of me. This was the moment I had been waiting for, yet I suddenly did not feel like knowing the truth.

The doctor came out first. There were dark rings around his eyes, as if a victim of lack of sleep. As he talked to Jacky’s mother, he shook his head once. Then Jacky’s mother cupped her face with her hands, and the doctor tapped her shoulder softly.

I dropped my head backwards and felt a sharp pain on my skull

The doctor whispered something to her, and then pointed the ward. I was trying to read his lips but he was too fast. Jacky’s mother uncapped her face and stared at the doctor, then shook her head softly, mumbling something. A few minutes later, the doctor pointed to a nurse and walked off.

The nurse said something to Jacky’s mother. My classmates all crowded around, their expressions a fusion of fear. I ruffled my hair and snorted aloud.

“Jacky.” I whispered, so soft that I wondered if anything came out of my mouth.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


“Jacky’s not only a classmate, not only a friend. He’s a role model, a leader’s leader, a mediator and the best person I’ve ever seen in my life.” Michael was saying. He put the piece of paper he had been reading into his breast pocket and continued. “I’ve only remember myself crying twice. Once was when I watched the movie Titanic. And the second time…”

The audience was so quiet that no one dared to cough. Michael finally squeezed a tear from his left eye, and he muttered softly into the mic, “This is the third time.”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


When I saw Michael stepping back, plunging onto the nearest seat, I knew it was something really bad.

He enveloped his face with his large hands, and when he jerked a few times, I knew he was trying. I confirmed it when drops of water seeped down his wrist. Michael was crying. Jacky’s mother was crying as well. All my classmates started to cry as well.

Everyone was crying. I glanced at the piece of paper. Not only had it been dampened, the entire floor beneath me was a pool of tears.

Is this how death looks like?


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


“But.” Michael cut in. Most of the girls in the audience were crying, including those in other classes who did not know who Jacky was. “But Jacky once told me, boys shall not cry. We’re born with broader shoulders to let girls cry on our shoulder. So,” he wiped off his tears. Well, he failed. They kept on coming. “Let’s go with Jacky’s advice. This is for you, Jacky.” He smiled, and walked away from the mic.

There should have been two hosts, a boy and a girl. But the girl was nowhere to be seen. The boy went to the stage and announced, “Let’s welcome Jacky’s best friend, Joanna, to dedicate a message to Jacky.”

A round of weak applause greeted me. I stepped forward to the mic and adjusted it to my height. Then I pulled out a piece of paper from my pocket and stared at it. It was a page long, and I had spent two hours penning it.

I started to read it. “Jacky Wu Zhong Xian is a very-” I paused. Then I crushed the paper into a ball and dropped it. Looking at the audience with my earnest eyes, I said, “There was once a matchstick who scratched its head. Then it died.”

There was no response from the audience.

“That boy didn’t laugh.” I said, pointing to an empty space in the hall. “The guy with glasses and short hair. Yeah, that’s the one. He never laughs!”

I closed my eyes. It was too hard. I imagined myself in the audience, showing him an angry look. “Jacky,” I started, my eyes still closed. “Can you please… wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke? I beg you.”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


I was still immobilised by the shock when I heard a voice.

“You must be Joanna.” I looked up. It was the doctor. Upon a closer examination, I realised he could be less than forty-years-old. I nodded, waiting anxiously for what he was about to say.

“Before Mr. Wu went into the operating room, he said these to me: ‘Doctor, I’ve got a stupid rock in my head. Get it out, because I wanna marry a girl call Joanna Fung. Alright? I’ll invite you to our wedding. So you’ll better get this rock out in order to attend our wedding.”’

He paused, and then continued, “I’m sorry things turned out this way.”

I took in a deep long breath but I did not exhale. My hands were glued to the sides of the chair.

“Well, Joanna, I don’t know whether you’re the luckiest, or the most unlucky girl in the world.”

I cried, and I forgot when I stopped crying.

I Believe You
Chapter 17

I washed my tears at the sink. I did not dare to look at the mirror, for I knew in the reflection stood a murderer. Jacky is dying. I suddenly wanted to talk to someone, but who could I talk to? I had only grandmother to talk to now, but I did not feel it appropriate to talk to her about this. In the end, with my eyes still swollen from the crying, I went back to the ward. Jacky smiled when he saw me, waving the book “Destiny’s Cries” on his hand. “Nice book, isn’t it?” I said nothing. I sat beside him, confused over what I had done. My curses always come true, isn’t that the case? Always… “Look at you. You’ve cried so much that your eyes are like tomatoes. Come; let me tell you a joke. Remember that day?” Which day was he referring to? He acted as if I could remember every day. “You know, that day, when I went on stage and said a joke, and you didn’t laugh?” Oh. That day. “You weren’t listening to me that day, right? Okay, I’m going to do an encore of it. You remain seated.” He pushed his blanket away. I was blinking fast, feeling an unusual pain in my eyes. Then he stood on the bed. I could see his legs shaking, not sure because of his fear or his cancerous cells. “What the-” I pushed my chair away. “Come down! What are you doing? It’s dangerous!” “Miss Joanna Fung, sit down, if not, I’ll keep on standing here till you sit down. Now, I’m going to repeat my performance on 27th March 2001!” I sank into my seat. He still remembers the exact date? Gosh. He’s… amazing. “There was once a matchstick who scratched its head. Then it died.” I could not believe he was doing all these. The joke was funny – in fact, very funny – but I was in no mood to laugh. Before I could say anything, he cut in again. He pointed at me and said, “That girl didn’t laugh.” Then he jumped a step, lowered his eyebrows and raised the pitch of his voice. “Which girl?” Again he jumped a step and said in his normal voice, “That girl with the glasses and long hair.” In a high pitched voice: “You mean the girl with tied up hair?” His voice: “Yeah, that’s the one. She never laughs!” High pitched: “Joanna! You didn’t laugh?” Finally he jumped one more step and clapped his hand. He seemed to be more active now, but he was panting softly. He darted his eyes onto mine, and this time, he said very softly, “Joanna, can you please wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke? I beg you.” I lay back on my seat and started shaking with uncontrollable laughter. He was replaying that day so brilliantly, as if we had taken a trip back in time. Suddenly I could smell the scent of that very day: The laughter of my classmates, my anger when he pointed at me and the embarrassment when I “laughed” sarcastically. It all came back like a bolt of lightning. Jacky seemed exhausted. He beamed weakly, and slowly, lay back on the bed. Beads of sweat were escaping from his forehead. “You laughed.” He said. “You laughed. That’s nice. It’s been so long since I hear you laughing. Can you do me a favour?” Actually, I knew exactly what he was going to say next. Still, I asked, “What?” “Laugh more often.” “I want you to hear my laughter.” I proclaimed. I was shaking my head, biting my teeth. If he survives, I’m willing to do even a hundred favours for him. “Just… survive.” “Alright, I promise. You promise as well, okay?” he whipped out his last finger. I crossed my last finger with his. “I promise.” You silly boy, just survive.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
On Saturday, I went to the hospital early in the morning. As I had predicted, Jacky was sleeping. So I peeled an apple for my breakfast and before I could take a bite, I heard his voice. “Ah, an apple for breakfast. How nice.” He held out his hand, as if waiting for me to pass him the apple. I gave it to him. Soon after that, we started chatting. I tried not to talk about the surgery, but somehow, in the mist of the chat, I still blurted it accidentally. “It’s an easy operation.” He told me, his face beaming with confidence. “They’d just open up my skull, pull out the rock and sew my head back.” I said nothing and so he reached for the drawer. I helped him open it and saw a familiar watch inside. “Can you take out the watch?” His hand was shaking. Gosh oh gosh, I suddenly remembered what the doctor once said. “He’s slowly losing his ability to co-ordinate his muscle movements due to the cancer cells in his cerebellum. Just don’t let him do strenuous movements.” I held the watch in my hand. It was the watch that he had given me for my birthday, the watch that I had thrown away in anger. Yet it still looked so new, as if it had just been cleaned. “I really needed to pee that day. That’s why I ran off in such a hurry. I wasn’t embarrassed!” “Okay, I believe you.” “And er… remember the twenty bucks that I owe you?” “Twenty bucks?” “Yeah. That day when I needed a taxi to go home. Look, my wallet is-” “Can you return it to me after your surgery?” I interrupted. “Please.” He shrugged, laughing. “Okay. Gosh, I’ll wake up with a large load of debts.” “Just one.” “I also promised my mother that I’ll return her with a lifetime of love after I’ve wake up.” “Oh.” Can you also return me with a lifetime of love after you’ve wake up?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Someone once told me the longest wait is not created by the amount of time passed, but by your mind. I was sitting beside Jacky, peeling another apple. He could not eat, for he would be undergoing the surgery in an hour’s time. I took a bite out of my apple and understood why he was so keen on eating these apples: The taste was a balanced combination of sweet and sour. Jacky smiled, as if he was reading my mind. His face was an obvious victim of cancer: His bright and round eyes had veins snaking around. He must have lost at least three kilograms within this week. “One more hour.” He whispered. Or maybe he was shouting. That was his loudest voice. “One more hour.” I replied. And so, we spent the next thirty minutes chatting about anything and everything. He told me about his mother, and I thanked him for bringing my grandmother back into my life. “I didn’t do much. She was always beside you. You just didn’t notice her till now.” As usual, he was that modest. Suddenly, he asked, “Can I hold your hand?” I blushed and did not reply. However, my right hand automatically reached for him. And then we locked our hands. “Wait for me, okay?” I nodded. “I’ll be back. So don’t you run off! I’m still the sun, shining on you, the flower. I’ll be back once the cloud moves away. Wait, just wait, okay?” I turned my head to prevent him from seeing my teary eyes. A nurse came in, and for that moment I wanted to yell unlimited curses at the nurse. But I stopped myself and turned to Jacky. “Hello, you’d better come back. Even if you’re in hell or heaven, or any other place, you’d better come back here. Because I’ll…” I could not continue. I paused, gave myself a breather, and said, “I’ll be here, waiting for you.” He let go of my hand and used a finger to poke my hand. It was his last finger, intimating me to shake it. I held out my last finger as well and we locked finger, shaking up and down. “I promise.” “I promise too.” And as he was wheeled off, I experienced the longest wait in my life.

I Believe You

Chapter 16

I had come to a profound conclusion: I had the most complicated life in the world.

Firstly, I had a fatal curse. Secondly, my longtime best friend was imaginary. Thirdly, the guy whom I love so much is dying.

Everything in my world seemed to collapse all of a sudden. I skipped school one day and visited Jacky. My classmates kept on asking me to go for the last full-dress rehearsal of the play but I declined. What good can a stupid play do now?

Jacky, as usual, was snoring his head off in the morning. I refilled the water in the flask, bought fruits to top up the basket and dug out a book to read. It had been a long while since I had read a book. The book was entitled “Destiny’s Cries”, a romantic love story set in Singapore written by Low Kay Hwa. Not too long ago, someone (I forgot who) introduced the book to me but I had refused to read it. Now, in this forlorn ward occupied only by Jacky and me, I began reading the first page.

I spent my morning listening to Jacky’s snores and reading the book. Amazingly, I finished the book within a few hours and was crying at the ending.

The story was about a guy, Alan, who found a girl, Destiny, at a rooftop. Alan went to the rooftop another day and saw Destiny again, and realized later in the story that Destiny had always been waiting for him there. But when they fell in love, trials and tribulations appeared and Alan was faced with a challenge that would test his love forever.

I began to peel an apple, hungry after all the reading. When I was done, Jacky moved and opened his eyes. When he saw the apple in my hand, he reached for it.

“Great, an apple a day keeps the doctor away.” He said. “You’re good. Whenever an apple is peeled, its colour will change within a few minutes. Yours, your apple’s colour is always so fresh.”

I shook my head weakly, saying nothing. My phone rang again but I rejected the call. “Those classmates of ours are asking me to go for the play.” I explained. Everyone knew of his condition by now. Most of them visited him during evenings as they had commitments in the afternoon.

“Go. Go and get a trophy for me.”

“I don’t wanna-”

“I wanna see the trophy when I wake up.” He said. “Come back again when you’re done with the rehearsal. Go.”

I fought my compulsion and stood up.

“Make sure you get the trophy. Make sure you get it.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The rehearsal went by smoothly.

Our lecturers decided to add a special program on the day of the play. They wanted every one of us to dedicate a message to Jacky on stage. Many of my classmates instantly composed a message. I sat in a corner and thought of what to say on the actual day. Then I borrowed a pen from Michael and slowly, I penned my message.

The play was scheduled for next Monday, four days after Jacky’s surgery. I kept on wondering whether I would be smiling or crying on that day.

After we were done with writing our messages, I went off to the hospital again. Jacky had one more week left, and I was going to make full use of that one week.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacky was reading a magazine when I reached his ward.

He smiled upon my entrance. But his smile seemed to be too wide, too forced. Something was wrong. I sat beside him and said nothing. I did not know what to say. He had always been the one starting the conversation. Not me.

“I’m going for the surgery on Thursday, 2pm. September 25, 2003.” He said.

“I know.”

“Curse me.”

I nearly dropped myself onto the floor. Butterflies flew around in my empty stomach and my tongue stuck out without my control. What did he just say? Curse him!?

“Curse me. Say I’ll never wake up from my operation. Say I’ll be in coma forever after my surgery.” He said indifferently.

I balled my hand into a fist. How can he play with my curse like that! I could hear the loud and fast thumping of my heart. “It’s not a joke. It’s not a funny matter. Don’t mess around with my curse.”

“You don’t have a curse and I’m going to prove it to you. I’m going to wake up on Thursday night, a living proof that your so-called curse is a mental illness called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Landy is one good example that you’re suffering from a mental illness.”

“You’ll-” I stopped. I was going to say the word “die”, but I managed to hold back in time. “Don’t.” I whispered. As I discovered my curse a long time ago, I had realised by now that the only way to prevent me from cursing anyone in a quarrel is by walking away.

Without saying anything further, I dashed for the exit.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacky’s mother called me a few hours later. Her voice was hoarse and choky. I was sitting at the cafeteria of the hospital, gazing at every single person who bought anything from the fruits stall.

“Jacky decided not to have the operation.” She was saying. Every time she called me, it was always bad news. How I hoped I had not picked up any of her calls. “He said the reason is because of you. What happened?”

I wanted so much to explain over the phone, but it would take a long time. “Leave it to me. I’ll go talk to him now.”

I puffed on two cigarettes outside the hospital, mustered all my courage, then went to the ward again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As I predicted, Jacky’s mother was inside the ward, talking to Jacky. Jacky was chewing on an unpeeled apple. “Ah, here comes the expert in apple-peeling.”

Jacky’s mother was expressionless. She glared at me for a while, sighed loudly and went out of the ward. I was alone with Jacky again. He was still biting his apple. “My mum doesn’t really know how to peel an apple. So I have it unpeeled.”

I was lost for words. Sometimes, I wondered if everything had been a plot. How could he still be so jovial when he knew he was dying soon?

“Go for the surgery.” I advised.

“Curse me.”

“Go for the surg-”

“Curse me. You can do it. Curse me, and I’ll go for it.”

What could I say? It was like him asking me to kill him. But if I don’t curse him, and he doesn’t undergo the surgery, the percentage of his survival is zero. But if I curse him…

“I’m going to wake up. Trust me. I’m going to prove to you that your curses are nothing but mind games. I’m going to prove to you that. Come one, curse me. If not I’ve only got a few more months to live.”

You’ll die with my curse! My curses are curses, not some simple mental illness!

I was put in the most difficult position in my life. I thought hard. Both decisions would leave me on a losing end. I felt like running around the ward now, shouting and screaming at the top of my voice.

“You don’t fool around with my curse.” I said softly and took out my pack of Marlboro, but it was empty. Throwing it to a side, I whipped out my lighter and tossed it away as well. I was really desperate for a puff of tobacco now. “Will you really wake up?” I asked. What a stupid question. I had lost control of myself. My lips were shaking and really, I felt like jumping onto Jacky and slapping his face for a million times.

“Yes.”

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. I did not let out my breath, staying in that position for a long period of time. When I finally exhaled, I began to say something.

“Then you, you’re not going to wake up once you undergo the surgery. You’re going to get into a deep coma, and then your body will be cemented like some fish in the market.”

I said that.

I just cursed Jacky to death.

Oh, what have I done.

http://www.myheritage.com

Dedicated to *you [m]:

Yeah, I know it hurts
Yeah, I know you're scared
Walkin' down
The road that leads
To Who-Knows-Where

Dont'cha hang your head
Dont'cha give up yet
When courage starts
To disappear
I will be right here

When your world
Breaks down
And the voices tell you,
"Turn around"
When your dreams
Give out
I will carry you
Carry you
When the stars
Go blind
And the darkness starts to
Flood your eyes
When you're fallin'
Behind
I will carry you

Everybody cries
Everybody bleeds
No one ever
Said that life's
An easy thing
That's the beauty of it
When you lose your way
Close your eyes
'N' go to sleep
Wake up to
Another day

When your world
Breaks down
And the voices tell you,
"Turn around"
When your dreams
Give out
I will carry you
Carry you

When the stars
Go blind
And the darkness starts to
Flood your eyes
When you've fallen
Behind
I will carry you

You should know now
That you're not alone
Take my heart and we will find
You will find
Your way ho-ome

When your dreams
give out
I will carry you
Carry you
When the stars
Go blind
And the darkness starts to
Flood your eyes
When you've fallen
Behind
I will carry you
Carry you
I will carry you
Carry you

It's the penultimate week of freedom before i get enlisted into the army. Friends in the army have been talking about their experiences. Soon it'd be my turn to experience it first-hand. What's gonna happen? Who will i meet? Will i survive? These questions will be answered real soon. And everyone's question to me: Will i get bullied? We'll find out in time to come. Haha. But don't worry, people. You are in safe hands, for i'm gonna serve the country. You are well-protected. Have faith in me! Wahaha.

I never thought my time to go through National Service would come so soon. In the past, when people mentioned the army, i'd think to myself: my time wouldn't come so soon. But now, i'm staring at the fact that i'm registered & will be enlisted in 15 days!

And so i've been enjoying life. I've been jobless for more than 2 weeks running. I've been going to the gym.. doing some jogging.. going out with friends. It really beats working. I get to sleep late & wake up late. Watched 300 with Vanessa on Friday. Eeeee.. there was nudity in the film. Don't influence me.. i'm very innocent.. hahahaha.

Anyway, i've gotten the university applications out of the way. Applied for accountancy courses in all 3 universities. I sure hope all of them accept my applications. I especially hope that SMU takes me in.

Woow. My parents just got a new car, more than 4 yrs after selling the previous one. It's red. oOOOoo. Not that chic though. And it's a weekend car. But it's better than nothing. Who knows? It could be what i'll be driving when i get my license. (:

I Believe You
Chapter 15

“Your grandfather and I met when I was working at restaurant as a dish-washer. He was the cook of the restaurant. When we saw each other, we knew it was love at first sight. “He kept staring at me while he was cooking and I could not concentrate on my washing. I stole quick glances of him, amazed by his awesome cooking skills and his good looks. By the fifth day of my work, he asked me out. I did not reject. And so we went to a park and chatted about almost everything under the sun.” I tried to recollect memories of my grandfather. It was then that I realized I had never seen him before: He died before I was born. However, in my mind now, I was painting a picture of him: A young and handsome man who knew how to turn an uncooked egg into an omelette. “We went on a few more dates. Unknowingly, we started holding hands. And as we continued dating, our love for each other grew so much that a day apart was intolerable. “Whenever I woke up, I would wonder what he was doing. Whenever I walked to work, I would wonder if he was doing the same thing. If there were handphones during my time, I would have called him every single minute. “Then one day, he brought me to a forest. Although I declined, he insisted. So we went into the dark forest, carrying only lighted candles. Suddenly, he disappeared. I panicked and nearly fainted, but he suddenly reappeared with a ring on his hand. He kneeled before me and proposed to me.” I wiped off the remnants of my tears and tried to smile. Although I failed, my grandmother sensed my attempt and patted me on my shoulder. “How could I have rejected? How could I have rejected such an offer? I cried on the spot, and within ten days, we were officially husband and wife.” I realized that everyone had a story to tell: The auntie selling fish soup may have the most romantic love story; my old and stubborn Literature lecturer Mrs Goh may have the most tragic story to tell. Yet I always pondered on the poignancy of my own story, as if my story superseded all of theirs. “Our relationship was as strong as a rock during our first few years of marriage. But everything soon changed. We began to drift apart. We seldom talked. There was just no reason for this rift.” “You didn’t love him anymore?” I asked, curious. My grandmother did not answer me. She sighed, and then continued, “I thought of divorce. But during my time, divorce was a taboo. We continued living together, exchanging less than a few words a day. And as a tradition, we had to bear a child for our parents. “And so your mother is born. Even with the addition of a new member in the family, we still behaved like strangers. Your mother, angry with us for not giving her a good family, married off when she was just seventeen. And when I was fifty, I decided to move out. I lived alone here for five years, until your grandfather called me. He said he didn’t have much time left.” I cursed beneath my breath. Jacky’s words rang in my mind repeatedly: “Two more years, to be exact if I don’t have the operation within this few months.” “So I went to the hospital. Your grandfather asked me a question that made me think a lot: ‘Have you loved me throughout our marriage?’ I was lost for words. I spent the entire day thinking. And when I finally said yes, we hugged. “Since then, I began visiting him in the hospital for his remaining days. He said something the day before he died which touched me very deeply: ‘I’ve been the happiest man in the world for two times: The first time is when you agreed to marry me, and the second time is when you said you had always loved me throughout our marriage. Because I have loved you all this while as well, but I just didn’t dare to say it.’” My grandmother smiled when she finished her story. I knew that the memories of her dead husband were replaying in her mind. I, on the other hand, was thinking hard as well. There was a moral in her story, and with a twist of my neck, I finally knew what it was. “Your grandfather was smiling when he died. Doesn’t matter how long we live as long as we live with a smile on our face.” Yes, now I got it, the moral of the story. At that moment, I wanted to kiss my grandmother, but I dared not. However, after I had picked my keys up, I leaned forward and kissed her. “I love you.” I said, and made my way out. Wait for me, Jacky.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I had just finished telling the taxi driver my destination when my handphone rang. “Joanna?” the female voice on the other end sounded familiar. It was Jacky’s mother. “I don’t know who else to call. You are the only one who knows everything now. Jacky’s in trouble.” My grip on the handphone tightened and I asked, “What’s wrong?” “The cancer cells are starting to spread. He needs an operation soon. Just… come.” When she hung up, I got the taxi driver to stop. And for the next few minutes, I stared out of the window, saying nothing.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Look at this.” the doctor pointed at a negative of a brain X-ray. A dark spot was visible on the left of it. “This is the tumour. His case is Diffuse Astrocytomas Grade Two. The cancer cells will spread, but at a very slow rate. For the past few months, we’ve been trying to stop the cells from spreading too much. But it’s hard now.” I tried to process what the doctor had said. He was explaining in layman’s terms. Jacky’s mother sat beside me, her eyes wide open. “The reason why we’ve not operated on him is because of the fact that his tumour is very close to his brain stem, a very important structure of the brain. However, his cancerous cells have now spread into the brain stem, growing near the cerebellum. The cerebellum is responsible for the movement of his muscles.” “Surgery is the only way now?” Jacky’s mother said. The doctor nodded. “Then what is the success rate?” The doctor shrugged. Bad news. “Fifteen percent. It is very risky as the cancer cells are inside the brain stem.” “What if he doesn’t take the surgery?” “He will first become paralysed. Then he will begin losing his brain functions and become brain-dead after a few months.” We were left speechless with that. He continued, as if he had no feelings. “The surgery must be done by next week. If not, we will lose control over the cancerous cells.” “Who makes the decision?” “He’s under eighteen, so the final decision still rests with you.” The doctor said. Jacky’s mother’s expression was a fusion of confusion and depression. “Great.” She said, and walked off without saying bye. Jacky’s dying within a few months. That thought whirled in my mind like a bad dream. Oh, please let me wake up from this nightmare.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I had just finished peeling an apple when Jacky woke up. Actually, I had intended to eat the apple, but since Jacky woke up exactly when I had finished peeling it, I passed him the apple. He held out his weakened hand to take the apple. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, eh?” he said, taking a bite. “Get me more apples. Then I’ll be discharged soon.” He already knew the situation. Her mother had agreed to the operation, and he was to undergo the surgery next Thursday. He knew the success rate was only fifteen percent, and he also knew the consequences if he did not undergo the surgery. Yet his trademark smile still lingered on his lips.I wanted to say something, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. Talk to me, Jacky. “I may have a bandage here on my head when the play comes around, so I may not be able to do the play. You make sure Johnny does a great job, eh?” he said. Johnny, one of our classmates, was to take over him as Romeo. “And yeah, I took up the role because I only needed to memorise two words and got to lie on a pretty girl’s back. But now it’s different. It’s free-style. That’s why I’m backing out.” He laughed. It sounded strange. “Rest.” I whispered. “I’m lying on the bed with a blanket over me. I’m resting. And I’m eating an apple!” With that, he dropped the apple. It rolled off the bed and hit the floor. I went towards it but he stopped me. “No. I’ll do it.” He said, and slowly climbed out of the bed. With great effort, he lifted the apple up as if it weighed ten kilograms. I could not make out whether he was just joking or he was really suffering. “See? I can do it. I can get an apple from the floor. Why can’t I get a rock out of my head? The rock is so much smaller than this apple!” I stayed with him for a few more hours before I left. As I was on my way out, I saw Doctor Ong, my psychiatrist. I tried avoiding him by looking at the floor, covering my face with my hair. But my uniform gave me away. “Hey, Joanna.” I heard his voice. “I’d really love it if you could come visit me some day.” He said, obviously trying to mock me. Go to your clinic and curse more people? I wondered. “What are you doing here?” I said. “I’m here to visit your best friend.” He stressed the word best. Actually, I wanted to ask him about Landy. But before I could say anything, he was off into Jacky’s ward. How did he know of Jacky’s condition?

You ask me if i love you and i choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie
And who am i to judge you on what you say or do
I'm only just beginning to see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much and i have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till i die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer, still trapped within my truths
A hesitant prized fighter still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much and i have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till i die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times i'd like to break you and drag you to your knees
At times i'd like to break through and hold you endlessly
At times i understand you and i know how hard you've tried
I've watch while love commands you
And i've watched love pass you by
At times i think we're drifters, still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister, but then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much and i have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till i die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess

I've tried to go on like
I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete

I don't mean to drag it on, but I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete

Incomplete

I Believe You
Chapter 14

“Can’t be…” I was shaking and smiling at the same time. “Can’t be… not now… not now! Can’t be!” How could everything come at this time? Just when I realized I had feelings for him, he had to say that he was dying soon? How could this be happening? No! Jacky grabbed my hand. “Cool down-” “What disease do you have?” I whispered. I was taking three deep breaths a second. “What…?” “I thought you knew-” “I lied.” I said that so softly that I wondered if I had said anything. I stood up and looked out of the window. I could see a slight reflection of myself from the glass window. My eyes were half-closed, red with tears streaming down fast. I was jerking hard, as if there was an earthquake. “Brain cancer. It’s a hereditary disease, I think. My father had stomach cancer. And now I’ve got brain cancer.” “Isn’t there a cure for it?” “No. The doctors can only stop the cells from spreading. But there’s a tumour in my head, so it’s hard to do treatment. The only way is…” “Surgery?” “Right, but it’s a surgery on the brain. So the risk involved is very high. And the percentage of total recovery is only…” he paused. I waited as I did not want to interrupt him. “Fifteen percent.” “Fifteen? One five, fifteen?” “Yes.” I ran my fingers through my hair. Why… why is this happening!? Why!? “No…” I was whispering. I stared at the reflection again. I was smiling yet shaking my head. “No, no, no, you’re lying. Oh, fuck, you’re lying.” I took out my lighter and ignited it. Then I put it out and ignited it again. I hauled out the pack of cigarettes from my pocket and played with the cover. “Joanna, don’t be like this-” “Stop playing with me, Jacky, stop playing with me.” I let out a sigh and dropped the lighter onto the ground. “Stop playing with my feelings. Love, leave, love, leave, love, leave. Stop it all.” “You’ve got to calm down, Joanna. We can-” I rushed to the door and ran out. Oh, gosh, oh gosh. Gosh. What a complicated life I’m living.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I had lit my fifth cigarette when I decided to think logically. I was sitting on one of the many benches in the park, glaring at every single person walking by. I had a giddy spell by my third stick, but somehow, I just wanted to smoke more. Cancer? Death? I had never expected such issues to rub shoulders with me. It had always been the least of my worries. For the past few years, I had always been worried only about the words that I said. The curse I have been carrying. And somewhere out there, someone close to me had been battling an enemy called cancer and fleeing from an adversary named death? Somewhere out there, a person has been smiling for twenty-four hours a day even though he was next to the gates of hell? I blew the smoke out of my lungs through my nose, somewhat like a dragon. What could I do? What could I do to make him feel better? I was at my wits’ end, trapped in a nest of confusion. My tears had not stopped streaming since I dashed out of the ward. I had two missed calls traced to Jacky’s handphone. I did not call back. I merely messaged him a “Give me time”. I knew I would lose control if I heard his voice. What must I do now? I flicked the cigarette butt away and knew there was no way I could find the answer here. I headed home. I might not have Landy anymore, but I had a new chat mate.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Fortunately, my grandmother was still awake when I reached home. It was six-thirty in the evening. She was sitting on the sofa, just like what Landy used to do. She was massaging her legs while watching the news. I sat down next to her. This is my grandmother? Suddenly, I was hit by a tinge of guilt. We seldom talked, for I had Landy as a companion. But who did she have to confide in? Who did she approach when she was depressed? I have always been beside her, yet I lived in my own little world, ignoring the very same old lady who was sitting in front of me. I gently pushed her hand away and rubbed at her leg. She smiled and passed me the ointment. “Wah, Gwan, so good today?” she said. I shrugged. What kind of life had I been living for the past few years? A life of escape? A life of rebellion? Against this whole world? I said nothing as I continued to massage. When a droplet of water splashed on my grandmother’s leg, I realized I was crying again. I dared not look up. “Tell me what happened.” My grandmother said. I recalled the days I spent with Landy. I would sit here, chatting with Landy while my grandmother would greet us and retreat to her room. Jacky changed everything. He chased away my imaginary friend and brought me closer to my grandmother. I told my grandmother everything about Jacky. I told her how he smiled in every situation, how he always kept his temper. I told her about the first day that he held my hand, and how he helped me thus far. I told her everything, from my curse to Landy. And finally, I told her that Jacky was dying. And I told her of how much I love him. “I love him.” I repeated the sentence, as if it would help. “I love him a lot.” My grandmother did not interrupt me at all. She just nodded and occasionally patted me on my shoulder. Her eyes held contact with mine as I mouthed every word. At times she would smile when I mentioned something funny that Jacky did. Sometimes a frown would appear on her face when I raked up sad memories. “What do you intend to do?” I was at a loss for words. Here I was, trying to get an answer to that question. Yet there she was, posing me that question. I shook my head. “What can I do?” I whispered. “You want me to tell you a story?” I did nothing. I continued staring at the floor, counting the drops of tears that had escaped from my eyes. “I’ve never told anyone about the story of your grandfather and me.” She grabbed my shoulders and held me straight up. I was amazed by her strength. “Be strong and listen to my story. Because this story is all about courage. That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?”

If i had a universal remote control, i'd fast forward my life to the stage when i'm with *you, 'cos i'm dying inside to hold you.

Or perhaps that's not possible, 'cos maybe we will never be together.

If i walked away, would you hit the 'rewind' button & start all over again with me?

Would you want me back for good?

I managed to get a strong dose of Vitamin E, thanks to the majestic sun.

I wanna be a xiao bai lian no more.